The Dirt is bound for Netflix, raising questions whether Motley Crue fans will see Bullwinkle jet her jizz

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      It's a book so captivatingly debauched, you're not alone if the first couple of sentences were instantly and permanently burned into your grey matter: "Her name was Bullwinkle. We called her that because she had a face like a moose."

      What follows over the next 447 pages of The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band is for the most part not fit for family consumption. In their own words, the members of Mötley Crüe lay out every sordid story worth telling from their rise up through the clubs of the Sunset Strip to their rarified status as multi-platinum stadium-filling superstars. 

      Highlights of the biography included, but were hardly limited to: band members tag-teaming unsuspecting groupies in grimy unlit closets, banging junk in the bathroom at each other's weddings, and ordering prostitutes in batches of 50 during a Hong Kong layover. Liquor was consumed in quantities that would have floated the Titanic, drugs were consumed in volumes that not even Ozzy Osbourne, Johnny Thunders, and Sid Vicious could fathom. 

      How great was 2002's The Dirt, which had veteran biographer Neil Strauss working with the band's Vince Neil, Nikki Sixx, Mick Mars, and Tommy Lee? Let's just say you didn't have to give a shit about Mötley Crüe  and its quite frankly largely-unlistenable glam-pop metal to hang on every glorious word.

      So brilliant was the bio that it actually kickstarted the heart of a band that was considered dead in the water; in its wake, the Crüe ended up back headlining hockey rinks for a good decade before finally calling it quits in 2014. 

      Hollywood meanwhile has spent years trying to figure out a way to turn an X-rated book into an R-rated feature fit for multiplexes. 

      That went nowhere until now, with the ever-adventurous folks at Netflix announcing that they've finally figured out a way to bring The Dirt to the screen. And by screen, we're talking the 77-inch LG UHD HDR OLED flatscreen you've just finished setting up in your 30-square-foot living room. 

      Netflix has just released the first trailer for its adaption of The Dirt, which will hit the streaming service on March 22. The film features rapper Machine Gun Kelly as Tommy Lee and Saturday Night Live's Pete Davidson as the Crüe's endlessly taxed record executive Tom Zutat.

      Douglas Booth (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) plays Sixx, Iwan Rheon (Game of Thrones) steps into Mars's platform boots, and Daniel Webber (The Punisher) dons the pink Spandex as Neil. 

      Watch the trailer below.

      And, before you get your hopes up too high, ask yourself if The Dirt (which was a decade in making, and is directed by Jackass'Jeff Tremaine) will really ever be able to do justice to The Dirt's fabled opening, which also included the following observations about ol' Bullwinkle: "But Tommy, even though he could get any girl he wanted on the Sunset Strip, would not break up with her. He loved her and wanted to marry her, he kept telling us, because she could spray her cum across the room.”