Incredibly, the past decade has gone a long way to suggesting that the most stupid person in Oasis wasn’t the guy who proudly answered to “Hey, Bonehead.”
Those who can’t go to a formal wedding, office Christmas party, or 50-and-still-breathing birthday bash without requesting the DJ play “Wonderwall” at least twice might have noticed that Liam and Noel Gallagher are back in the news again this week.
No, they weren’t announcing that they’ve decided to make up after an embittered decade of shit-talking each other, first in newspapers, and then on MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Yelp. And they weren’t announcing plans to finally shave off their respective monobrows for charity.
Instead, the Gallaghers once again made headlines for claiming they hate each other enough that Oasis will never get back together. Which is exactly what they’ve been doing ever since going to war after what was either a shoving match, fistfight, or epic deli-tray squabble at a 2009 Paris music festival.
Not to pick at a wound that’s never been allowed to scab over, but after refusing to perform that day, Oasis cancelled the rest of a planned tour. Noel Gallagher then issued this statement hours later: “With some sadness and great relief I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer.”
What no one could have foreseen was that the guitarist would be unable to go a day without reminding the world that he and his brother are bitterly estranged. This week’s outrage started with Noel telling anyone with a ham radio, functioning smartphone, or tin can with a string that Liam has been harassing him on Twitter. And harassing his wife. And his children.
Each one of those tweets, Noel suggested, put a “nail in the coffin” of Oasis. Which was a strange way to put things, considering the band has been dead since the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, Obama’s first arrival at the White House, and Michael Jackson’s sleepovers at the Neverland Ranch.
Never one to miss an opportunity to keep himself and his brother in the news, Liam promptly shot back on Twitter with “So news reaches me from afar that team NG are trying to get me shut down on twitter coz they don’t like my tweets” and “Good luck you little fart.”
Perhaps realizing he’d blown an opportunity by not referring to his brother as an “old fart”, “eye-watering fart”, or “award-winning elevator fartsmith”, the singer then jumped back on Twitter later to add “you’ve blown it the people have got your number.”
On that last front Noel has indeed blown it. And so has Liam. Many moons ago, the Georgia Straight interviewed the guitarist, who proved to be not only perfectly pleasant and riotously entertaining, but also somewhat dissatisfied with life. At the time Oasis was at the top of the British pops thanks to a string of unbeatable hits: “Some Might Say”, “Don’t Look Back in Anger”, “Champagne Supernova”, “The Importance of Being Idle”, and, yes, “Wonderwall”. Which, really, every DJ on the planet loves getting requests for almost as much as “YMCA”, “Sweet Home Alabama”, and “The Chicken Dance”.
During that interview, Noel—who rivalled Marilyn Manson, Jello Biafra, and Courtney Love in his flair for soundbites—confessed, “I’m bored. I want to start making music that sounds like the Stooges crossed with Public Enemy.”
That’s something onetime Oasis punching bag Damon Albarn ended up doing with not only Blur but also Gorillaz and the Good, the Bad & the Queen.
Meanwhile, the Gallagher brothers continue to viciously hate each other. Worse, they’re doing it while pursuing solo careers that are never going to get anyone at a wedding to drunkenly yell out requests for “She Taught Me How to Fly” or “Chinatown”.
To think that there was a time when everyone thought Paul “Bonehead” Arthurs was the thick one in Oasis.