In an outburst that should offend die-hard cheeseheads from St. John’s to Tofino, England’s most famously sanctimonious bigmouth has struck again.

As was reported by every major news outlet in the Great White North this week, Steven Patrick Morrissey isn’t planning on participating in 2014’s annual East Coast seal hunt, an event that’s about as popular with animal lovers as shark-fin soup, fox-fur coats, and Ted Nugent.

Not only that, but the man known alternately as (take your pick) Morrissey, Moz, and “that snivelling shitheel from the Smiths” has gone out of his way to describe those living north of the 49th parallel as “ineffectual” sheep living in a country whose “sorry image is due entirely to its seal slaughter”. These were just two highlights of an essay the singer posted on the webzine true-to-you.net under the title “This Sorrowful Canada”.

What has Morrissey’s panties in a knot is the upcoming seal kill in Atlantic Canada, the justification for the annual open season being that seals have become the marine equivalent of pigeons in Venice’s Piazza San Marco: a goddamn nuisance. But where the worst thing pigeons do is crap in the overpriced espressos of tourists, seals seem to be on a mission to put Captain Highliner out of business once and for all.

And if that happens, think of the children. It’s a proven fact that, while little Billy has never been to sea, there’s nothing he loves more than Captain Highliner squirting fresh tartar sauce on his fish-stick. If the seal population keeps exploding, there aren’t going to be any fucking fish left for little Billy and the thousands upon thousands of processed-food-loving Canadian kids like him.

Other reasons why the seal hunt should be considered no more newsworthy than Whac-A-Mole at the PNE? How about the fact that there are an estimated 6.5 million harp seals taking valuable space away from Coppertoned sunbathers on the East Coast shoreline, a number triple what it was in the 1970s?

And that, whether seals are clubbed or shot by rifles, the method of killing has been deemed humane by the Canadian Veterinary Medical Association?

And that cute and admittedly adorable baby seals are off-bonking-limits?

And that those who support the seal hunt include Jacques Cousteau, who famously stated: “The harp seal question is entirely emotional. We have to be logical. We have to aim our activity first to the endangered species. Those who are moved by the plight of the harp seal could also be moved by the plight of the pig.…We have to be logical. If we are sentimental about harp seals, which are not endangered because they are partially protected, then we have to also be emotional about pigs.”

On the other side of the fence, you know who has labelled the seal hunt barbaric? That would be world-class stooges Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson, neither of whom is fit to offer opinions on anything other than lighting tips for home pornos.

Meanwhile, we’ve got celebrity gourmand Anthony Bourdain describing the seal hunt as an “absolutely necessary tribal practice”. And let’s face it, Bourdain is far more of a rock star these days than Morrissey.

All of which brings us back to Morrissey and his famously big mouth. If you think about it, old Moz is about as qualified to comment on things like the seal hunt as the jackasses who write the Pop Eye column in the Georgia Straight.

That the Sage of Salford hasn’t played a show up in the Great White North since 2004 speaks volumes about how much he really cares about what’s going on in Canada. Morrissey should actually be thrilled about the seal hunt. It’s made him a headline attraction again on this side of the border.

And let’s face it, the only time he normally gets such exposure at this stage of his career is when Rolling Stone floats its biannual rumour that the Smiths are reuniting for Coachella, but only if the concession stands agree to stop peddling braisé de loup-marin aux petits oignons and suaasat soup.