God help us all—it’s gotten so bad in America that the hair farming brethren is going to war with each other. And for that, no one’s more blameworthy than the man with the most famously freakish follicles in the free world.
If you’ve checked the Where Are They Now? files this week, you might have noticed that the Cheeto in Chief’s Wednesday shitshow at the U.S. Capitol was somewhat polarizing.
On the right-wing side of the aisle you had Scott Baio wondering what was stopping President Donald Trump from declaring Martial Law and rescuing America. Given that one of the great shrines of American democracy was, at the time, being pillaged by a guy in a Viking helmet and Chewbacca-brand mankini, the question was of course “Rescue from what?”.
On the left, we had David Hasselhoff showing he hadn’t lost sight of what’s important in one of the most scarily turbulent periods in U.S. History. While D.C. burned in real-time on the Samsung Q800t flatscreen he took to Twitter to let fans know bidding was now officially open in The Hoff Auction—great news for anyone hoping to own his personal Baywatch Local Motion surfboard.
But it was in the Heavy Metal Parking Lot of yesteryear where the real action was taking place. And the hair farmer standing on the hood of a 1985 Camaro with a bullhorn was one-time Skid Row screecher Sebastian Bach.
The Bahamas-born frontman once known as Sebastian Philip Bierk is no stranger to making bold political statements. You might remember him prancing around in hair metal’s glory years wearing a T-shirt that read “aids kills fags dead”. Former orange juice pimp Anita Bryant would have been proud.
In his old age though Bach has evidently and admirably swung left in a big way. And that’s put him on the opposite end of the playing field of his fellow hard-rock has-beens. That was crazily clear from his Capitol-invasion Twitter rampage on Wednesday.
First a quick bit of generalizing. The fabled hair farmers of the'80s were never a politically progressive bunch. Forget raising awareness—that was the job of the punks. Commercial hair metal was all about the pursuit of haystack-haired poon, fresh-off-the-boat coke, and the questionable wearing of cowboy boots. Sorry folks, but Sam Peckinpah, John Wayne, and your father's Grade 8 gym teacher would never have endorsed mixing Tony Lamas with lime-green Spandex, black-mesh Pirate shirts, and Maybelline mascara.
But because they spent the ’80s cashing massive royalty cheques, filling NHL hockey rinks, and ruling FM radio, a shit-ton of metal musicians got stupidly rich. And as sure as you can’t spell Republican without an R, the last thing most rich right-wing folks are interested is handing over their money to the unwashed rabble—especially if they’re punk rock fans. Or Black.
Dispute that all you want, but not until you’ve looked into the soap-box bleatings of Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine, and Slayer’s Tom Araya. (And despite it all, it's hard to hate Slayer no matter who they vote for).
Maybe because he was raised in Canada—exotic Peterborough, Ontario to be exact—Bach now comes at the world from a more liberal perspective. Which brings us back to the Man Without a Twitter account sicking Viking Warrior, Senate-Floor Spider-Man, and half the cast of Duck Dynasty on the Capitol.
Shit like that doesn’t happen in vacuum, so Bach was smart enough to call out not the common mindless marauding rabble doing the pillaging, but instead those who’ve enabled them. Like the Mango Mussolini.
And so, while Hasselhoff was hawking his surfboard, and Chachi was pushing ANTIFA conspiracy theories, Bach was busy on Twitter fingering his fellow metal musicians for supporting Trump. And by association fuelling the Capitol assault.
His roll call started with targeting professional animal killer and proud flaming asshole Ted Nugent with, “@Hey @TedNugent is that what you want”.
To the poor man’s Rob Halford known as Judas Priest replacement singer Tim “Ripper” Owens, Bach wrote “love your voice man and I’ve had some great times with you. As a fan and a friend I just have to know are you still a Donald Trump supporter after what happened today in the United States of America? All of your fans are wondering thanks man.”
Sometimes-KISS guitarist Ace Frehley also ended up in his crosshairs. Bach Tweeted at him: “yo @ace_frehley you’ve been my hero my whole life & have been blowing my phone up telling me how much you love Donald Trump and hate Joe Biden. Just want to know as a lifelong fan do you support what happened today in the USA? Sure am glad there were no cell phones in the 70s ????”
Getting it worse was Iced Earth guitarist Jon Schaffer, who was seen amongst the crowd outside the Capitol and is currently wanted by police: ““Hey John [sic] Schaffer from @_IcedEarth. You support this piece of s—? Didn’t realize you were that dumb.”
Bach didn’t stop with those in the heavy metal trenches, calling out John Rich from “country” act Big & Rich and liquor-loving Oprah Winfrey admirer Kid Rock. To the latter, he Tweeted “hey @KidRock we hung out a couple times had some great times with Axl Etc hope your day is going well man! We all just got to know as fans and friends are you cool with what happened today in the United States of America? Do you still support Donald Trump after today? Thanks.”
And here's the interesting thing: assuming they weren’t working the fuck out of the DM feature on Twitter, there’s little evidence that any of those Bach sought comment from responded. Instead it seemed to be total crickets. Not only that, but most declined to weigh in at all on what they were presumably seeing on CNN.
There wasn’t even a “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie” from Robert James Ritchie. Or a “Wang dang sweet poontang” from fabled poet laureate and alleged draft-dodging pants-shitter Theodore Anthony Nugent.
Somewhat cryptically, Owens eventually tweeted “Goodbye to my stalker” with four laugh-cry emoji’s, but he could have been talking about Ivanka.
And then, like the protestors stocking up on home furniture and chasing security guards around inside the Capitol, the Tweets were there one second and gone the next.
All of them were deleted from Bach’s account.
All that remains today are a couple of Tweets suggesting that wolfman-meets-Dracula ghoul Ted Cruz go fuck himself, observations that Josh Hawley is a dick head combined with an asshole, and questions from the public as to whether the singer was perhaps day drinking.
There’s also this Bach Tweet, presumably addressing everyone on the right in America: “Is this what you want?”
Consider that one last round of shots fired. Given what’s happening in America, don’t bother standing down or standing by former hair farmers of the United States. Instead, now’s the time to stand up and let the world know which team you’re on.
And here’s a pro tip, whether you side with the Nuge or a clearly woke Sebastian Bach: a can of Miss Clairol makes a great DIY flamethrower. This is war, and anything goes, including showing up shirtless in pink Spandex.