By Erik Nickhole
Hey, Justin. Gregor here. Super Namaste, brother.
I just wanted to let you know I hoisted a big mug of nettle tea when you got elected as the Liberal leader. Finally a pretty brother like me in a serious political role! I’m no longer the only fabulously handsome politician in Canada (Peter MacKay just doesn’t cut it; betrayal smells bad on him).
I can’t wait to get down to the serious business of fighting for my #1 sexiest politician spot with you, mano a mano, cheek to cheek.
We’ve got so much in common: charisma, looks, green groupies, photogenesis, super handlers, and no clue about how to run a government. I love how we both love the outdoors. You were a snowboarder; I was a sailor. Westcoasters, yeah! And the boxing and topless stuff—boffo, brother.
I’m more into planting vegetables in my overalls, but, hey, whatever ripens your cranberry I always say.
You don’t have to worry, Justine. Being pretty and green (I’m thinking about ineffective in your case) can really work. All you have to do—I wish I could say this was my idea—is to have your people come up with a couple of motherhood ideas. That stuff about helping the middle class is catchy; I went with greenestness (so cool).
Then get a whole lot of smart, tough people around you to run your government, shake down your team, and write your scripts. Look how well it worked for George Dubya, and he had nowhere near our looks. Always talk in high-minded platitudes and keep your hand on the common touch (not the women, Just!). Show up everywhere all the time smiling, but don’t do interviews. I loved the way you didn’t say anything during your leadership run. Me too, buddy!
I’m so impressed you used to teach acting. It must be so easy for you to learn your lines. (Cool idea I came up with: try droppin a “g” every now and again.) I still need to put more zest into my speeches, but it’s hard when I have to focus on earnestly saying nothing, and smiling hard no matter what I’m saying.
I hope you don’t mind if I get—what’s the right word?—“frank” on you. I had to have a time-out with my tuba after you beat me in the Georgia Straight sex survey of “politicians you would like to have sex with”. Deep breath. I’m OK with Obama in top spot (have you seen him without his shirt on? Holy Moonbeam!), but having you in second place just ahead of me—in my own greenest city—is, well, sorta, gosh, unsustainable. Change has gotta come. (You can use that line if you want. Consider it a gift from me.)
But did you notice I was #3 among politicians men would like to have sex with? Christie Clark and Sarah Palin may have beaten me, but you didn’t. We’re neck and necking and Peter MacKay isn’t even on the list! How cool is that? Although when I called the paper for details (actually I had one of my people do this), I found out you were first among gay males and I was second. How do they figure this stuff out?
Let’s have a bet about who’s on top, you or me, in next year’s list! I’m going for a come-from-behind victory! (Big smile)
As a fellow Fighter for the Future (you can use that too if you want) I love harmonious contests. I won’t take you on in boxing, because it’s just not what we do out here. How about a roller-blading obstacle course race, or a sprint in our soccer shorts (I can loan you my Lululemon spares), or a juice-making competition. (I know that’s not fair, but politics isn’t fair, you’ll learn.)
If I win, I’ll run as a federal Liberal candidate. If you win, I’ll run as a federal Liberal candidate. Deal?
Come on out and see me sometime. I’ve got so many great ideas we could share, like, we could auction ourselves off for a dinner date to see who’s hotter. (Hint: have your people make sure someone bids high for you. This is the kind of wisdom I would be happy to share with you.)
High five for the environment, Just. Big hug. Welcome to the pretty politician bandwagon. Call me when you’re next out this way.
Love your hair,
Erik Nickhole is a Vancouver satirist who doesn't want his real name revealed out of legitimate concern that one of Mike Magee's associates will publicly revile him as a Stephen Harper spin doctor or as some sort of party hack for COPE.