Note: All of Trump’s words in italics are all culled from his real-life quotes.
Dateline: August 10, 2015. The Trump International Hotel & Tower, Vancouver, B.C.
Harper: Welcome to Canada, Mr. Trump. I am so honored to meet you, especially so soon after your first presidential debate. You rocked, by the way.
Trump: Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.
Harper: Excuse me? Must have been that stuff I ate at the food truck photo op. Anyway, let’s just give the media a few shots of us shaking hands and then I’ll send them on their way as usual.
Trump: "While I'm not a huge fan of Japan, I do like their custom of bowing. I would do whatever is necessary not to shake hands. From now on, let's do what the Japanese do and greet each other with a nice civil, sanitary bow."
Harper: No problem. I’m used to bowing to Americans. God, I’ve never seen so many cameras!
Trump: “I'm a bit of a P. T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone.”
Harper: Yeah, thanks for doing this. Man, everywhere you go, people can’t wait to hear what you’ll say next.
Trump: “I listen to the people. I get the biggest crowds, I get the biggest standing ovations.” “Would I prefer being less out front? I would love it. People don’t understand that about me. I would love it. I would love being less out front.”
Harper: Fame’s a bitch.
Trump: “Every time you walk down the street people are screaming, 'You're fired!'”
Harper: I hear you. Get that a lot myself. People can be so nasty.
Trump: “One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don't go into government.” “Obama and his attack dogs have nothing but hate and anger in their hearts and spew it whenever possible.”
Harper: Sad, but true. Can’t stand the bugger, myself. Not keen on Hillary either. But hey, if we both get elected, together, we could do some serious damage.
Trump: "Let me tell you, I'm a really smart guy."
Harper: Trust me, with our brains and Canada’s wealth of resources, you could be a lot richer.
Trump: "You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people."
Harper: What’s funnier still is that I have governed this country for almost a decade and I don’t get along with anyone at all. Hell, if I win this election, I will become Canada’s fifth longest-serving prime minister.
Trump: “The point is that you can't be too greedy.”
Harper: Like you always say, “I like thinking big. If you’re going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big.”
Trump: “Experience taught me a few things. One is to listen to your gut, no matter how good something sounds on paper. The second is that you're generally better off sticking with what you know. And the third is that sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make.”
Harper: Right. That’s basically my message to anyone considering voting NDP or Liberal.
Trump: “I’m about jobs. I’m about security. I’m about fixing the military. I’m about taking care of our vets. I’m really about economic development and I’m about jobs and that’s what we have to start talking about. And I’m about beating ISIS momentarily and not acting like a bunch of babies like we’re acting right now.”
Harper: Me too, except for that part about vets and the military. I’m also about free trade with our Trans Pacific partners.
Trump: “Free trade is terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But we have stupid people.” "When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time."
Harper: Yeah, that’s why we all need to just man up and sign the TPP, if we’re smart. Because it’s not really free trade, and it’s all about beating China. Except for the fine print. Because our negotiators aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer.
Trump: “We have to take jobs away from other countries because other countries are taking our jobs. There is practically not a country that does business with the United States that isn't making—let's call it a very big profit. I mean China is going to make $300 billion on us at least this year.”
Harper: Well, we are doing our best to reverse that trend. Somehow, even with our crashing dollar, our monthly international merchandise trade deficits both set new records in March and May. So you are going to want to do business with us.
Trump: “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I will bring back our jobs from China, from Mexico, from Japan, from so many places. I’ll bring back our jobs and I’ll bring back our money.”
Harper: And Canada wants to help you do that. That’s why we are prepared to talk turkey on opening up our dairy and poultry markets. Ditto for our auto parts manufacturing, as we keep telling the Japanese. I call that a win-win.
Trump: "I will build a great wall—and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me—and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words."
Harper: You know, I’m also pretty good at building walls. Scientists, environmentalists, the media, the bleeding hearts, all doubted my skill and resolve. But I did it, by God, and I made them all pay. So I know it can be done.
Trump: “When I build something for somebody, I always add $50 million or $60 million onto the price. My guys come in, they say it’s going to cost $75 million. I say it’s going to cost $125 million, and I build it for $100 million. Basically, I did a lousy job. But they think I did a great job.”
Harper: And that’s how you build a nation. It’s called smart budgeting. It’s also how B.C.’s premier, Christy Clark, is trying to build an LNG industry. I love it when voters are so easily bought with their own tax money. The critics can pound sand.
Trump: “Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest–and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.”
Harper: You said it, brother. But how stupid would your voters have to be to elect another Clinton? Or even another Bush? I mean, when they could have you as their president?
Trump: “I’m concerned about everything. Our country’s going to hell.” "Sadly the American dream is dead. But if I get elected president, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again."
Harper: I believe you will, Donald. It’s your Manifest Destiny—a concept that Mulcair will never accept. And don’t expect any help from Trudeau’s kid, Justin. You know that America just isn’t ready for him. Did you know he wants to legalize marijuana? Like Colorado or Washington. And you think you’ve got problems now with Mexico!
Trump: "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have lots of problems…they're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people."
Harper: I’m glad you don’t feel that way about Canadians. The worst you could probably say about us is that we are all just “apists” who want to be everything that Americans want to be, only in a nicer, non-Republican kind of way. Other than those who plan to vote for the NDP, the Liberals, or the Green Party, we are all good people who just look at you and marvel.
Trump: “I’m proud of my net worth, I’ve done an amazing job … The total is $8,737,540,000 US. I’m not doing that to brag, because you know what, I don’t have to brag.” “You know, it’s interesting. I went to the best school, got great marks, everything else. I went out, I made a fortune, a big fortune, a tremendous fortune… bigger than people even understand. I have a book called The Art of the Deal. I do The Apprentice…The Art of the Deal was like the No.1 business book of all time or just about, I think it was…Then I get called by a guy that can’t buy a pair of pants, I get called names? Give me a break.”
Harper: It’s crazy, I know. Look at me. I have been the most successful Conservative prime minister in modern memory. I’ve made a killing in public pension – also bigger than most people even understand. I’ve made every big oil company and every mining company in Canada a fortune, a tremendous fortune, with all sorts of tax cuts and policies that no one thought were possible. I wrote a book on hockey called A Great Game that is the definitive history of the Toronto Maple Leafs. And then I get called names by the Green Party leader and berated by the two guys who want to take my job. One can’t afford a razor and the other thinks he’s God’s gift to women.
Trump: “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected.” “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”
Harper: No one flirts with me, I can tell you. Although I’ve been known to send hearts aflutter when I play with my band, the Van Cats. Still, the insults are hard to take. It’s a rough business, politics. But you know what I always say…
Trump: “Everything in life is luck.”
Harper: No, that’s your line. I say, there’s no mud that anyone can fling at you that can’t be thrown at them first with ten times the force and volume.
Trump: “When somebody challenges you, fight back. Be brutal, be tough.”
Harper: Exactly. It’s something I’ve always respected in you. That’s why I told Canada’s national TV consortium to take a hike on its attempt to strong-arm me into participating in its debates. It’s also why I quietly changed the campaign financing rules to give my party the upper hand in this extended campaign. Now we can spend up to $53 million on attack ads and other activities that my opponents won’t be able to match because they don’t have the fundraising chops.
Trump: "The beauty of me is that I'm very rich … So if I need $600 million, I can put $600 million myself. That's a huge advantage. I must tell you, that's a huge advantage over the other candidates."
Harper: Like you always say, Donald, “What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.” I may look like a wounded duck, but when the dust settles on October 19, you’d better believe, I’ll have the last laugh.
Trump: “Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly mistaken.”
Harper: Hear, hear. We’re just getting started. And I’m learning a lot from you about how to really put the hurt on.
Trump: “Part of being a winner is knowing when enough is enough. Sometimes you have to give up the fight and walk away, and move on to something that's more productive.”
Harper: Let’s face it. Working to win is all we know. There’s nothing more productive than engaging in a good fight that we can’t lose, as long as our opponents continue to kick the crap out of each other.
Trump: “I don’t do it for the money. I’ve got enough, much more than I’ll ever need. I do it to do it.”