Starring Bill Pullman, Chris Pine, and Alan Rickman. Rated PG. Opens Friday, August 15, at the Fifth Avenue Cinemas

The rolling hills of Napa Valley—always shot in golden evening light, of course—are convincingly lovely, but nothing else sits right in the clumsy hands of screenwriters Jody Savin, Randall Miller, and Ross Schwartz, with Miller directing as if assembling a two-hour reel designed to get work in television advertising.

Based on events in 1976 that led to the recognition of California wine country as more than the home of Ernest and Julio Gallo, Bottle Shock mixes actual and not-quite-believable participants in a contest intended to prove all newcomers inferior to the French, at least in oenophile terms.

The only glimmers of subtle pleasure in this overwrought crowd beater come from Alan Rickman as Steven Spurrier, an Englishman adrift in a Paris that is little impressed by his immense good taste. Not to be outsnobbed, Spurrier travels to the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge, looking to make a name for himself one way or another.

What he encounters is the Battling Barretts, a father-and-son team with hard-ass dad Jim (Bill Pullman, doing his crazed-pirate shtick) literally beating up son Bo (Chris Pine).

Their vineyard’s chardonnay has potential, but first they have to work out their problems, dammit! These are complicated by Bo’s rivalry with lifelong pal Gustavo (Six Feet Undertaker Freddy Rodriguez) for the attentions of Sam (this year’s Sienna Miller, Rachael Taylor), a new intern who wears skimpy shorts.

She’s one of the few female characters in the chaotically rambling tale that wants to prove that winemaking is essentially a macho, patriotic endeavour.

This desperate-to-please film wants to be a Sideways with Hallmark Card aspirations, and the effect is much like being force-fed a bottle of Manischewitz laced with NutraSweet. Try not to eat beforehand.