Starring Emma Roberts, Tate Donovan, and Rachael Leigh Cook. Rated G.

Gosh, Nancy Drew, not all the plucky penny loafer–wearing girl detectives in the world can solve this crime. Having decided that 75 years of classic children's-literature fame was, like, so not hot, the filmmakers of your eponymous new movie have scooped you from dear old River Heights (not hot!) and thrown you in front of Lindsay Lohan's Mercedes in present-day Los Angeles. Where is an escape manhole when you need it?

It's a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bland enigma why Nancy Drew director-writer Andrew Fleming (on teen-girl turf before in Dick) and cowriter-in-crime Tiffany Paulsen decided to turn a beloved and innocent literary institution into a mash-up of corn and self-conscious near-parody of the teen sleuth that assumes that today's tweens can't tell a good story from an Us Weekly cover.

For some mumbled reason, Nancy's lawyer father, Carson Drew (Tate Donovan), has lengthy business in Los Angeles. He and Nancy (Emma Roberts, Julia's equally toothy niece) ditch their hometown–not to mention series stalwarts and Nancy cohorts Bess and George, and trusty boyfriend Ned Nickerson (Max Thieriot)–for the land of killer SUVs and excessive body piercings. Looking 12 and dressed anachronistically in '50s loafers, knee socks, plaid skirts, and cashmere sweaters, Nancy enters the fashionista mean-girl snake pit that is Hollywood High. Here, the filmmakers make much pop cult–conscious "fun" mocking Nancy's geeky goody-goodyness. They've strangely forgotten that a large part of the books' unpretentious appeal was their heroine's trademark independence and gutsy, intelligent resolve. Why camp that up í  la The Brady Bunch Movie?

There is a mystery to solve, at least. Though Daddy has forbidden sleuthing, Nancy is lured by the 20-year-old murder of a famous film actor (Laura Harring), her sort-of haunted mansion, a long-lost heir (Rachael Leigh Cook), various scary guys (including Barry Bostwick), a missing will, and, natch, a hidden passageway. Ned turns up with his girl's vintage roadster, the mean kids join the fun–but, gee, where is the fun, Nancy? Menacing phone calls, a perplexing cameo by Bruce Willis as himself, daring escapes, and car chases can't save sluggishness and mostly stiff acting. Roberts is perky and peppy, but only the real Nancy Drew could have fixed the flat tire on this baby-blue roadster.