Starring Alex Pettyfer and Ewan McGregor. Rated PG. For showtimes, please see page 69

The story is familiar: dashing secret agent with posh British accent discovers an evil guy’s plot to kill millions of people. He leaps into action, infiltrates said evil guy’s lair with gadgets in hand, overcoming impossible obstacles along the way. In the end, our hero manages to save the world and get the girl.

But here’s the twist: this would-be James Bond is just 14 years old.

Adapted from the first of best-selling teen novels by British writer Anthony Horowitz, Stormbreaker shamelessly wears its Bondian influences on its sleeve. But 007 is a tough number to follow.

Newcomer Alex Pettyfer does his junior-league best as Alex, an orphaned kid raised by his uncle Ian (Ewan McGregor). When Ian dies mysteriously, Alex learns that the man was no ordinary bank manager but a spy working for Britain’s MI6 intelligence agency. Uncle Ian also left some unfinished business, so the MI6 recruits him to finish the job, at which point the Ian Fleming–style business kicks in.

Too bad it doesn’t work. In the original flicks, the formulaic story lines serve as the vehicle for Bond’s charm, wit, and sex appeal. Throw in a teen, and Bond’s racy silver Aston Martin turns into a mountain bike.

Granted, former child model Pettyfer is by no means hard to look at. But despite his prep-school glamour and killer moves (he did most of the stunts in the movie himself), he generally appears blank-faced and bored. So does actor Mickey Rourke, as evil billionaire Darrius Sayle. He brings about as much enthusiasm to the role as do the giant jellyfish that float lifelessly in a tank in his office (although Rourke’s lack of facial expressions could be the result of too much Botox).

The film’s writing is uninspired, at best. A tank of man-eating sharks, or even a tank of ill-tempered sea bass with laser beams attached to their heads, is more menacing than a jellyfish drifting in an aquarium. James Bond probably wouldn’t bother getting a gadget out to tackle that octopussy.