Let’s just pretend Aliens: Colonial Marines was never made

by Blaine Kyllo on February 19th, 2013 at 3:57 PM

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Aliens: Colonial Marines (Sega; PS3, Windows, Xbox 360; rated mature)

I had to take out the disc for Borderlands 2 when I put in the disc for Aliens: Colonial Marines. I shouldn’t have done that.

Even though the two games were developed by the same studio—Texas-based Gearbox—they don’t belong on the same shelf. (There is some debate as to how much of Colonial Marines was actually developed in-house at Gearbox. See Destructoid for a good timeline.)

Which is a shame, because the idea behind Colonial Marines was genius: to create a video game that would be as good as the first films in the franchise and accepted as canon.

But for something based on such original source material, there is precious little originality here. It’s as bland a third-person shooter as possible. The enemies, those aliens that were so terrifying, simply aren’t. The man-eating rabbit in Monty Python’s Holy Grail was more frightening.

There’s not even any point railing here about how you can’t play the game as a female, despite James Cameron’s Aliens establishing that the female marines were every bit as bad-ass as their male counterparts. It’s problematic, but not nearly as bad as the lackluster level design, mediocre art direction, and tepid mechanics.

The execution of Colonial Marines is so dismal that instead of becoming part of the mythology, the game will be remembered in the same way as the film Aliens 4. Which is to say that everyone prefers to forget it and pretend it was never made.

The best thing about playing Colonial Marines is that it unlocked some golden keys in Borderlands 2. That’s where I’ll be if you’re looking for me.

Comments

9 Comments

Blaine Sabiston

Feb 20, 2013 at 5:54am

You fail, First off play it on super badass and tell me the aliens arn't frighting, You can be a female marine but only online. Next time your going to bad mouth such a good game why don't you accually play it first dipshit.

RUK

Feb 20, 2013 at 10:28am

You mean Alien 3.

Also, how can you be surprised it was bad? It is axiomatic that all licensed tie in games are bad, with the outstanding and highly curious exception of "Spongebob Battle For Bikini Bottom."

Truth.

Blaine Kyllo

Feb 20, 2013 at 10:46am

RUK: Aliens 4 = Aliens Resurrection. You forgot all about that, didn't you?

BS: Oh, I played it. For as long as I could stomach it. The only thing they got right was the sound effects of the movement tracker.

RUK

Feb 20, 2013 at 11:12am

Alien 4 had Sigourney Weaver's one-take basketball gag, the underwater chase, Michael Wincott saying manly things, and Dan Hedaya being Dan Hedaya.

Alien 3 featured exactly zero likeable characters, resulting in tension-free alien chomps, while also undoing the happy ending of Aliens.

Truth.

Blaine Kyllo

Feb 21, 2013 at 7:45am

RUK: Fair enough.

Alien, Aliens, and Alien 3 are generally considered part of the canon, though. Aliens (4) Resurrection isn't.

Jury's still out on Prometheus.

Martin Dunphy

Feb 21, 2013 at 11:32am

Alien 3: execrable in every sense, especcially story and characters, which is what you get when you (alleged-god knows why) turn a franchise over to an unknown music-video maker.

Alien 4: Good director, some great scenes, rather unconventional story line grows on you, grudgingly accepted as part of the canon (in third place)

Prometheus: perfect example of style over substance. Two or three outstandingly shot scenes, but acting and a script that could have been bettered by any Grade 3 talent show. Absolute dreck, and the finish of the franchise

Dermot

Feb 23, 2013 at 5:11am

>turn a franchise over to an unknown music-video maker.

Finchers directing was one of the few good things about that film.

Martin Dunphy

Feb 23, 2013 at 1:28pm

Fair enough, but the textbook definition of "damned by faint praise". And, presumably, he learned a thing or two about pace and continuity since then.