Can I Just... Vote?

By Ali Sami and Jamie Kan

In just a couple days, our lousy neighbors, a.k.a the United States of America, will have a historically difficult and unavoidably wrong decision to make. Luckily for us on this side of the wall, we mean border, we can watch this election buffoonery unfold from afar and hope that none of the blood splatter lands on our majestic maple leaves. Naturally, we decided to avoid giving ourselves the stress sweats by thinking about how this could effect our lives, and instead have some fun and imagine how these presidential candidates would hold up in everyday situations outside of the electoral race. This is our coping mechanism; join us!

HILLARY: 

Hillary Rodham Clinton, or Madame President if ya nasty, could possibly be the first female president of the United States. Fifteen years ago, we'd all be pretty thrilled about this. In 2016, however, her allure has worn off like last night's make up. 

DONALD: 

You already know everything about this lovable character. Jack of all trades. The image of health. And defender of morality. Here's a man who's not afraid to grab life by the Pussy Cat Dolls. A country could only be so lucky to convince a man of his ability to lead them out of the darkness. 

DATING HILLARY: 

Dating Hillary would be an emotional roller coaster. First off, snooping through her phone trying to read her texts would be pointless because they'd all be mysteriously deleted. On the upside, you could be getting a lot of action on the side while she's busy starting a sisterhood of the travelling pant suits. 

DATING DONALD: 

Unless you look like his daughter (Ivanka, not the ugly one), don't even consider trying. Trump has extremely high standards and unless you're either related to him or still learning to speak English, you're not his type. 


WORKING WITH HILLARY: 

Aside from the fact that she would continuously outshine everyone, she would be pretty great to work with. Although many people like to hate on Hillz for her corrupt ways, she is simply a bitch that can get shit done. Short deadline on a project? No problem, she'll stay up all night. Need to take down one of the most wanted terrorists in the world? She's ya girl. 

WORKING WITH DONALD: 

You can pretty much guarantee this winner is going to show up late to all meetings, and once he arrives, he's going to yell at you. Also, who wants to be around someone who is cursed with perpetual sniffles? Hashtag not us. 


Alright folks, the jig is about to be up for one of these two lovely humanitarians. Its up to you to decide which one's gotta pack their backs and shut it. Unless you're one of the 99 percent of our readers who are Canadian, then you'll just have to watch helplessly on election night—kind of like we do for our own elections.