Tech

Mike Usinger's paean to Grand Theft Auto IV

by Mike Usinger on April 28th, 2008 at 4:56 PM

Why did San Andreas (Grand Theft Auto) rock?

Well, as much as we all realize that, in real life, guns are wrong, there's something therapeutic about heading to Ammu-Nation, dropping a couple hundred on a semi-automatic, and blowing the living shit out of whatever happens to end up in your crosshairs.

Imagine how wonderful life would be if fast food was actually good for you.

Screw fine dining--after you've taken one bullet too many in GTA, you simply repair yourself by loading up at joints like Cluckin' Bell, where all the employees dress like ghetto version of the San Diego chicken.

And if that's not great enough, the employees actually have the balls to say the kind of things ("Cluckity-fuck, sir! Hope ya choke-a-doodle-doo") that most minimum-wage slaves only think.

The cars are free, provided you're willing to rip unsuspecting motorists out from behind the wheel, and stomp them into the pavement.

Again, we're not condoning that kind of thing in real life, but goddam people it's only a video game.

And admit it: a little release feels good when you've just spent two hours stuck in traffic, huffing gas fumes on Highway One on your way home to the 'burbs.

Did we mention that you get to blow shit up?

And that this time out with Grand Theft Auto IV, you get to do it on the mean streets of New York (er, Liberty City).

Get ready to call in sick.

May we suggest you do that first thing in the morning when your voice sounds froggiest.

You won't even have to set the alarm clock, because if GTA IV is half as addictive as San Andreas, you're going to be at it all night, every night, for months to come.

Comments

8 Comments

Steve Newton

Apr 29, 2008 at 10:37am

Why doesn't some brainiac programmer create a video game where you get to stomp deserving targets--murderous gangsters, molesting priests, warmongering politicians--into the pavement, instead of innocent bystanders and unsuspecting motorists? Is that too much to ask?

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Mike Usinger

Apr 29, 2008 at 11:03am

yes it is.
Regardless, you aren't stomping anyone into the pavement. IT'S A GAME. NO ONE IN IT IS REAL! THEY ARE CARTOON CHARACTERS!
Hey, didn't I see you picketing The Silence of the Lambs on the basis that the serial killer picked on innocent girls rather than murderous gangsters, molesting priests, and warmongering politicians.

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Steve Newton

Apr 29, 2008 at 12:17pm

no, that wasn't me picketing The Silence of the Lambs. I quite enjoyed it. Good movie. And unlike GTA it wasn't interactive, so I didn't have to feel like I was taking part in the heinous crimes it depicted. Hey, go ahead and enjoy your pulse-pounding depictions of cruelty to innocents. Have at 'er! I'm just saying that if somebody created a video game where you could do damage to truly evil people instead of unfortunates, I might want to try it myself.

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Mike Usinger

Apr 29, 2008 at 12:49pm

Have you ever played Galaga, Pac-Man, or Space Invaders. Ask yourself what any of those "evil" characters ever did to you. I'm sure you enjoyed squashing them like bugs.

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Chris Poon

Apr 29, 2008 at 5:55pm

Steve, have you actually played GTA IV, or any of the games for that matter?
Did you know that you can visit comedy clubs, bars, and tune up your cars all without spilling the blood of virtual innocents?
It’s up to you how you play a game; nobody’s holding a gun to your head while you play demanding that you kill everything in sight.
You say that you want to run around bashing in the skulls of those evil drug dealers and gangsters?
Lo and behold, you can do just that in GTA IV!
This is the game for you.

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Mike Usinger

Apr 29, 2008 at 6:27pm

He has a great point. Just because I turn into a psycopath the second I pick up the controls doesn't mean that you have to.

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Steve Newton

Apr 29, 2008 at 7:19pm

Well, I'll think about it, then. Are there any Thin Lizzy tunes on the soundtrack?

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