but somehow I feel very sure there is a purpose for life and we were not created to be lonely. I went through the same grief as you over and over until I decided to take a time out and look deeply into life. I went to a place in my Universal connections (some call it prayers) and then I had a dream about a person. A few days later she walked into my place of employment and now we've been together for a long time without one fight. There's a saying: 'When one door shuts another door opens.' And there is the partner out there for everyone.

I can empathize with your position and have been in a similar headspace. In hindsight, I understand that the person I was hung up on never loved or respected me, and that I needed to work on myself so that I could deem myself worthy of better and stop accepting crumbs.

Reading between the lines of your post, you might be searching for better too. I know it is hard, but making the choice to walk away is choosing yourself over chaos. And once you choose yourself, that opens the door for all kinds of healing to begin.

If you need a place to start for support, I’ve found Dr. Ramani’s YouTube channel very helpful. Other concepts to explore include disorganized attachment, trauma bonds, complex trauma, mother wounding, and inner child work.

Good luck, and I’m rooting for a reconnection with self that will lead you to better and brighter.

Of course I can’t know for sure but what you’re saying sounds very much like a relationship I had for a long time. I know the admins of this forum really hate posts with the “Nar******” word in them, but what you’re describing sounds just like it. It took me decades to finally accept defeat with the one I loved. The truth is that these people are truly broken. They cannot be fixed, and the reason for that is because in their twisted minds they are completely perfect already. They really believe that everyone else is the problem. They will not accept accountability for the harm they inflict. They will not ever truly apologize. Everything they do is self-serving, even when they disguise it as doing something for you. They.Will.Not.Change. I strongly recommend that you try to find some therapy, because they cause a huge amount of emotional damage that can result in real and permanent physical harm to their victims as well. Your situation is very familiar to me and I understand your pain only too well. You are trauma bonded. Please do whatever it takes to close the door to this person forever.

This won't be any consolation to you, but a lot of people have been there. Avoidants are charming as heck and are all too aware of their patterns, but they repeatedly suck new people in and destroy them. The lack of empathy is astounding.

Posting behind a veil of anonymity won’t help anything

This might have escaped your notice, but this is an anonymous forum. Sometimes people just need a safe place to express their feelings, so have some empathy will you?

I want you to experience unconditional love because I was hoping since I fell from such heights unseen before that you might understand why I sound insane and then be like this is not crazy it's unimaginable beautiful!

Whatever you do see it like this I believe you because I know you and know that things you feel happened for you are very to somewhat different than to me. But I love you always have and I know why this is so simply not good for you fear I get it.