News for Youse: No, we won't get tired of spreading Santorum jokes any time soon

While Mitt "Mittens" Romney may have technically won the Iowa caucus by eight votes, nerdy statisticians (are there any other kind?) can't help but pointing out that, statistically speaking, Romney and Rick Santorum tied to win.

"From a statistical point of view, you can't say Romney won anymore than you can say Santorum won," said NYU journalism professor Charles Seife. Since we are fully functioning humans and not stats nerds, we maintain that it doesn't matter who won Iowa, technically or otherwise, as long as we can still make jokes about spreading Santorum.

Have you ever wondered how Santorum made all his money? The man who claims to be the ultimate Washington outsider made $1.3 million between January 2010 and August 2011 primarily through various consulting contracts with companies like fuel producer Consol Energy Inc. and directors' fees from publicly traded health-care management companies. Well, that's one way to succeed in life.

How else can a person get ahead in this dog-eat-dog Santorum-filled world? According to the journal Social Psychology and and Personality Science, don't be named Kevin, unless you pair it with something that everyone loves, like bacon.

Today's terrifying time-and-space-manipulation news? Those insane scientists who we previously thought only worked for the Acme Corporation creating death rays and even better traps involving anvils have developed a "time cloak" that manipulates light in such a way that for "the merest fraction of a second an event cannot be seen". Hear that noise? That's a million Harry Potter fans squealing at the idea that they might all be getting invisibility cloaks for Christmas.

So there was a fracking earthquake in Ohio on New Year's Eve. No, BSG aficionados. It was an earthquake caused by shooting water into the ground. In light of the fact that shooting water into the ground resulted in 11 earthquakes in Ohio in 2011, officials have decided that hey, maybe that's not such a brilliant idea, and will stop fucking fracking. Really? It took till Earthquake 11 to realize there might be a fucking fracking problem? When even the Ohio Oil and Gas Association is calling the cessation of fracking “a rational thing to do," you know you're causing some extreme geological upheaval. Mother Gaia could not be reached for comment, but we're betting she'd say, "For fuck's sakes, you morons."

Sometimes a headline just speaks for itself: Ezra Levant tells Chiquita exec to take his banana and shove it.

We suppose we should congratulate Defense Minister Peter MacKay on getting married to extreme hottie, er, human-rights activist Nazanin Afshin-Jam on January 4. Of course, we'll save our real congratulations until after we determine how many Canadian military helicopters MacKay requisitioned for the ceremony. Hmm, maybe our inability to stop beating a dead horse is why our invitation got lost in the mail…

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