News for Youse: "If you're not with us, you're supporting child pornographers"

Folks, never watch the movie Cloverfield before bed. Because if you do, you will then read stories about how Russian scientists have finally drilled over 3.5 kilometres down through the ice to reach an Antarctic lake and you will be absolutely terrified that tomorrow's headlines will read "Russian scientists eaten by sub-glacial monster; entire world is at risk".

Couple that with the revelation that former U.S. president Dwight D. Eisnhower had allegedly been hanging out with extraterrestrial lifeforms for years along with the news of a pair of Pacific Rim earthquakes overnight as well as one in Greece, and we're not entirely unsure that we'll survive beyond the end of the week.

Of course, we have to admit we would take some perverse glee in seeing the Cloverfield monster level our fair city, which has just been named the most expensive in North America, and the 37th most expensive in the world. Take that, Los Angeles! You're only the 42nd most unaffordable city in the world now!

The Conservatives would like you to know that if you SUPPORT (thanks Taxpayers R Us!) Internet anonymity, you basically inhabit the same disgusting immoral ground as those who sexually abuse children. On Monday, Public Safety Minister Vic Toews defended his government's continued backing of an Internet surveillance bill—which has euphemistically been renamed the Protecting Children From Internet Predators Act—that essentially allows the government to access your Internet activities without a warrant whenever it damn well feels like. Toews stated that the public "can either stand with us or with the child pornographers."

(And that's a real quote; not one of the made-up ones we at News for Youse enjoy so dearly.)

Oh, Vic Toews. Seriously, this the argument you're going to beat us with? If we oppose the government reading our emails without a warrant, we are in cahoots with child pornographers? Next thing you know, you'll be trying to convince us that douchebags who take pictures of themselves with handguns so they'll have cool pictures for their Facebook pages should be sentenced to a mandatory minimum of three years.

Oh... wait… you do think that. To be sure, we here at News for Youse are fully in favour of some sort of douchebag tax, but throwing one in prison for three years seems a tad harsh, even to us.

You know what else seems like a little much to us? Spending $20 million on some sort of bullshit panda bear exchange with China. Now, don't get us wrong. News for Youse is fully in support of pandas—maybe obsessively so and especially when they are adorably falling down slides. But the Calgary and Toronto Zoos are spending ridiculous sums of money to play host to Er Shun and Ji Li for the next ten years and for what? Oh, right. Improved trade relations with a country with over a billion people in it. The neo-cons are practically creaming themselves at the idea of such an enormous, barely tapped market for their goods and/or services.

Speaking of unfettered market capitalism, happy Valentine's Day! Here's a video of some pandas falling down a slide.


Follow scared-by-fictional-creatures Miranda Nelson on Twitter.

Comments (8) Add New Comment
For freedom or for fascism
Yes, never again can calling these CPC bastards a bunch of fascists be seen as over-stating one's position.

After all, they're either in favour of freedom and due process, or they support fascism.

And Toews' mustache is the new Hitler-stache.

More seriously, fuck the CPC, fuck Harper in the eye with a fork, and fuck the idiots that voted for them; no excuse for any of them.
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Taxpayers R Us
*The Conservatives would like you to know that if you oppose Internet anonymity, you basically inhabit the same disgusting immoral ground as those who sexually abuse children. On Monday, Public Safety Minister Vic Toews defended his government's continued backing of an Internet surveillance bill—which has euphemistically been renamed the Protecting Children From Internet Predators Act—that essentially allows the government to access your Internet activities without a warrant whenever it damn well feels like. Toews stated that the public "can either stand with us or with the child pornographers."*

Miranda, don't you mean "SUPPORT internet anonymity"?

As for Toews? What a manipulating douchebag fail. He just painted Stockwell Day with the same brush lol
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Miranda Nelson
You're right, thanks for the catch. What can I say? I'm still reeling from all those Cloverfield monster nightmares I had last night!
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DavidH
So, Vic Toews is insisting that I choose between child pornographers and supporting the CPC?

Hmmm ... tough call, Vic. Nobody likes child pornography, except perverts; but nobody likes the CPC, except morons.

Should I "support" the morons or the perverts Vic?

This is the state of our democracy.
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Mark Fornataro
Toews quote you "can either stand with us or with the child pornographers" is his apparent attempt to remind us he thinks like George Bush who said "you're either with us or with the terrorists". Toews is willing to carelessly toss out our privacy on-line, yet ironically the Harper gang wants to waste a huge pile of taxpayers money-while jeopardizing public safety- by tossing out all the information collected through the gun registry, the putative reason being that they must protect the privacy of gun owners. This Tory government badly needs a top-notch battery of forensic psychiatrists.
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Ben Gazarra
David H's comment rings true. This is the current state of every western democracy isn't it? Polemics, a dead end. If you don't support the CPC you're a paedo, if you don't like Israel you're an anti-semite, etc. etc.

I'm pretty sure we never had freedom of speech on the internet regardless, what is the Canadian Human Rights Act? They shut down websites, always have. If I stick my neck out and defend someone's right to say "let's put people in ovens" no matter how reprehensible I find it, does that make me a nazi too? According to 99% of every Georgia Straight commenter yes, I belong in a mental institution.

In regards to Mark Fornataro, I don't think your argument about the gun registry makes any sense at all. The gun registry was a huge waste of money that didn't take a single aspiring Bindy Johal off the streets. What it did was provide the government with an even bigger list of who to come get for the re-education camps. That list includes as many Harper voting hicks as it does Commercial drive Marxists. Even a left wing think tank could provide you with figures that show registered gun owners don't equate with people getting shot. Canada has a lot of guns and our gun crime is proportionally nowhere near the United States. So it must be something else.

As far as freedom of speech, everyone can practice a little tolerance with opinions they don't like. They sent a comedian to a "human rights tribunal" (doesn't the name of that judicial body just reek of Stalinist Russia) for calling a heckler a "fat dyke" last year in this city. If Richard Pryor came through town in this day and age would we convict him of a hate crime as well?

Back to the issue, the internet in this country has always been less than a free for all. At least the above 4 commenters give a shit about the actual issue. Seems the only way to mobilize anyone anymore is threaten to take their free music away. God Forbid, the world would just fall apart.
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notmycanada
Mass protest against what is quickly outing itself as a fascist style government - the Harper-led CONservatives; why is it not happening right now?
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iarecanadian
Demanding the customer’s name, address, telephone number, email address, Internet Protocol (IP) address, and the name of the telecommunications service provider of every Canadian internet user is no different than demanding that every Canadian citizen be fingerprinted and you cannot obtain fingerprints without a warrant. Fingerprints are not mere Phone Book Information.
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