News for Youse: "If you're not with us, you're supporting child pornographers"
Folks, never watch the movie Cloverfield before bed. Because if you do, you will then read stories about how Russian scientists have finally drilled over 3.5 kilometres down through the ice to reach an Antarctic lake and you will be absolutely terrified that tomorrow's headlines will read "Russian scientists eaten by sub-glacial monster; entire world is at risk".
Couple that with the revelation that former U.S. president Dwight D. Eisnhower had allegedly been hanging out with extraterrestrial lifeforms for years along with the news of a pair of Pacific Rim earthquakes overnight as well as one in Greece, and we're not entirely unsure that we'll survive beyond the end of the week.
Of course, we have to admit we would take some perverse glee in seeing the Cloverfield monster level our fair city, which has just been named the most expensive in North America, and the 37th most expensive in the world. Take that, Los Angeles! You're only the 42nd most unaffordable city in the world now!
The Conservatives would like you to know that if you SUPPORT (thanks Taxpayers R Us!) Internet anonymity, you basically inhabit the same disgusting immoral ground as those who sexually abuse children. On Monday, Public Safety Minister Vic Toews defended his government's continued backing of an Internet surveillance bill—which has euphemistically been renamed the Protecting Children From Internet Predators Act—that essentially allows the government to access your Internet activities without a warrant whenever it damn well feels like. Toews stated that the public "can either stand with us or with the child pornographers."
(And that's a real quote; not one of the made-up ones we at News for Youse enjoy so dearly.)
Oh, Vic Toews. Seriously, this the argument you're going to beat us with? If we oppose the government reading our emails without a warrant, we are in cahoots with child pornographers? Next thing you know, you'll be trying to convince us that douchebags who take pictures of themselves with handguns so they'll have cool pictures for their Facebook pages should be sentenced to a mandatory minimum of three years.
Oh... wait… you do think that. To be sure, we here at News for Youse are fully in favour of some sort of douchebag tax, but throwing one in prison for three years seems a tad harsh, even to us.
You know what else seems like a little much to us? Spending $20 million on some sort of bullshit panda bear exchange with China. Now, don't get us wrong. News for Youse is fully in support of pandas—maybe obsessively so and especially when they are adorably falling down slides. But the Calgary and Toronto Zoos are spending ridiculous sums of money to play host to Er Shun and Ji Li for the next ten years and for what? Oh, right. Improved trade relations with a country with over a billion people in it. The neo-cons are practically creaming themselves at the idea of such an enormous, barely tapped market for their goods and/or services.
Speaking of unfettered market capitalism, happy Valentine's Day! Here's a video of some pandas falling down a slide.
Follow scared-by-fictional-creatures Miranda Nelson on Twitter.