Lost Mum

posted September 4th, 2015 at 10:37 PM

It's been just a hair over three years since my mother died in her 50s from kidney cancer that had spread into her lungs and into her bones, slowly disfiguring her in vicious agony over a very slow seven years. What hurts me most is that in my dreams about her, the only woman I now see and remember is the extremely sick, disabled woman that she had become due to disease, and in each and every one of those day/nightmares, she is in the hospice, almost always high from the pain meds and talking in a weak voice. I'm so sad that I can barely remember who or what she was like before the C word had murdered her inch by inch. I look at old photos of her to try and jog my memory, but the images in my conscious don't correspond anymore. I wake up in the morning always in tears and I'm tired of it. When will this stop?

6 Comments

SugarAddict

Sep 5, 2015 at 2:23am

*brings you a cup of virtual tea and offers you a hug*

I understand...

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:32pm

I can sympathize and fully understand. The big C decimates not just the people it takes down, but those around it. My first blow was at age 11... I never got "over it".. I continue to get on with it. Still hurts...
I Agree with "Sugar"...
*also I bring tissues, eye drops and cucumber slices...

autoxylopyrocycloboros

Sep 5, 2015 at 3:18pm

I know nothing scientific about the human psyche or spirit. But to me, it sounds like perhaps you could seek out counselling, so you could replace those awful memories with the true, genuine ones of the loving, kind, wonderful lady your mom was and is and always will be.
Go talk to someone and get the process started. Your mom would want that, because she loves you and wants you to be happy.
Big hug.....

I'm there with you

Sep 5, 2015 at 5:46pm

Cancer took my dear mother away from me too, just over a year ago. It was gut-wrenching to witness her deteriorating before my eyes. It has helped at times to talk about it, but I often find myself feeling even more alone because people can't understand the loss if they haven't gone through the experience themselves. Perhaps talking to a grief counsellor would be helpful. Please share your grief and connect with others who love your Mom. Trying to push it away will only cause it to eventually come up with a vengeance. Know that you are not alone. There are many of us motherless daughters out there who share in your pain and feelings of loneliness and despair. Big big hug!

seen it all

Sep 5, 2015 at 6:35pm

Time for some grief counselling, your Dr. can refer you.
The best way to honour your mother is to live a full and happy life.

take care

Sep 6, 2015 at 12:32am

My mom died of cancer 5 years ago, and I had nightmares for years, I would wake up panicked and scared. I also would wake up crying every morning. But the nightmares have mostly gone now, and now she does sometimes come to my dreams as her healthy self.
I think you will remember your mom as she was before the illness, it just might take time. Grief is unique for every person. Don't feel pressured that you have a certain time limit that you have to feel better by. It just takes the time it takes, and it never goes away completely. But it will get more bearable.
Also, I did get some prescription sleeping pills (non-addictive ones, at a low dosage) from my Dr. which I needed temporarily to get some rest. It really helped me at that time.
Hang in there. And no matter what, take good care of yourself.