are there to help you. Doctors, counselors, support groups, etc. Start with a visit to a walk in clinic. Figure out the root of this problem habit - counseling can sometimes help with this.

Walk or run or ride a bike till you're exhausted and then do it again tomorrow....you have to get some natural endorphins going.

...we're all doing it, all self medicating because none of us are rich enough to not worry about the shit of day to day life.

...stop drinking and taking drugs. That's right, pull yourself together and stop the nonsense. You have it in you if you would just go looking. You have the power just waiting to be tapped.

...on that shit. Show me who your "party friends" are and I'll know what you are - the chemical-addled monkey you see in the mirror. Stick with your enablers, fellow users and dealers, and expect more of the same. Keep company intolerant of such habits, and you maybe get to quit and support when you do.

OP, I can imagine how hopeless it all seems for you. I know how hard it is to stop when there's seemingly nothing to live for and on some days death seems like a welcome outcome. I pummeled my spirit & soul over the past 15+ years with heavy drugs on weekends and little by little my appreciation for life waned as the evil bastard in my head took the wheel. I know how easy it is to say 'ah what the f**k, I don't care anymore' rather than telling that beast to f**k off (say it loud!) and put up a fight against the darkness.
You know that light at the end of the tunnel you're hoping to see? It will only appear for you when you get clean...and the longer you stay clean the more intense and empowering that light will become. I'm 16 days into my current sobriety and I'm just starting to feel it again, and I'm happily telling 'ol Charlie to f**k right off anytime it jumps into my thoughts. You gotta hate that little bastard that makes you hate yourself. Who you once were is still deep down in there waiting to be free again. I hope you find your way OP.

For about half my life, I self-harmed in so many different ways and always came back to wanting to kill myself so I could end the pain. It was a long road to get to where I am today, but I can barely recognize the person that I once was. When I say that you need to find things that work FOR you, I'm saying that you won't be able to kick your habits until you replace them with things that don't harm you. Now I lift heavy on a regular basis, and during the summer I go hiking. I also engage in activities that I can lose myself in so I'm not constantly living in my head. You need to distract yourself somehow. Counselling has helped a lot, but it's not until I traded in my vices that I really started being able to cope with the day to day moments where the temptations and negative thoughts crop up. Start with one activity that's practical and inexpensive so it is easy to turn to, and be regular with it. I really encourage you to find some kind of exercise that you can do that helps you channel your emotions. I wouldn't have been able to get and stay clean for as long as I have been without it.

Please know that. Go to AA. Even if you fucking hate it. Go. It will help you get sober and keep sober. Shit tons of people go thru this and beat it. You can too!!!!!!!!

I hear you and my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and hurting so much right now. There are people out there who care, it may not feel like it but I promise, there are many more than it may feel like there are right now. Take care.

you are a beautiful person. Find your "thing" and go for it. Put your sweat and anger into it and maybe it will transform into something else... maybe then, slowly, you will appreciate yourself and the power you have. music, art, writing? a sport? get outside and the the world for what it is, the good people, the garbage and the humour of humanity and life itself. It is within you and I hope you find it.