Sad memory

posted January 17th, 2017 at 2:05 AM

I'm a 24 year old woman with bipolar disorder and I am an alcoholic. I have experienced the worst years of my life since being diagnosed 7-ish years ago. My mind is filled with so many painful memories of all the totally messed up situations and burnt bridges I've made in such a short amount of time. Everything from numerous stays on a psych ward for months to being tranquilized at the seabus station because of experiencing psychosis...to me ending up across the world in an abusive relationship (which, to this day, still makes NO sense as to why I hopped on a plane with zero money and with a terrible guy. Oh geez). Dark as fuck times, I tell you. This mental illness can be hell when unstable. Thankfully medicine and seeing a doctor (after so much doubt and difficulty with accepting my disorder) has been a saving grace in a sense. It is a long road for anyone coming to terms with being diagnosed with mental illnesses. It takes time and many, many falls until you see where you are at better. I know it will be a lifetime of hard work and of me reminding myself that I need meds and help no matter how badly I want to reject both. To anyone experiencing a dark time with their illness and feeling alone: You can and will pull through in time. Reach out. Don't listen to the folks who judge you or feel like a bad human being because of some fairweather friends writing you off. You do you before anything else. Being selfish is necessary when you need to fight to survive because your own mind is playing tug-o-war with reality and with delusions. You can't help others until you help yourself first, really. One day at a time!

7 Comments

Wow!

Jan 17, 2017 at 1:38pm

Excellent fucking post, whoever you are.!
Thank you for that, especially the last three lines. All the best to you.

Bipolar 2

Jan 17, 2017 at 2:53pm

Did I just read my life story? I'm also a 24 year old woman with bipolar disorder who is an alcoholic. Small world. You're so right about medication. This disorder is hard to live with and does take a lot of work and maintenance to keep stable. I'm on a mood stabilizer called Lamotrigine and an opioid blocker used to treat alcohol dependency called Naltrexone. It has completely changed my life and if you have never heard of it I strongly suggest you ask your doctor about it. I'm currently 4 months sober as you know having this disorder is quite a roller coaster. I personally have type two bipolar disorder with rapid cycling. I'm not sure what type you have but it doesn't matter. All types are difficult to deal with and left untreated can cause unnecessary suffering. I find it extremely important to stay sober personally because it keeps my mood swings to a minimum and when I get depressed it isn't as severe. I've burnt a lot of bridges but am learning to not hold a grudge against myself even though others may. We've all done things were not proud of but the important thing is that we have gratitude looking at where we are in contrast to where we used to be. If you're in a bad situation currently just remember life is a rollercoaster, bipolar or not. It will always go up and down. My grandma once said, "I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining.". I always loved that and it gave me comfort in dark times. I really loved your post so thanks for sharing. It's nice to be reminded I'm not alone.

Not A doctor but...

Jan 18, 2017 at 9:11am

I'm just going out on a limb here and maybe just maybe it's the alcohol...

Nobody ever held a gun to your head and said DRINK MOFO... Your choice. Simple.

Anonymous

Jan 18, 2017 at 12:19pm

Excellent post! I have ben diagnosed recently as Bi Polar as well. It is difficult, but like you said. One day at a time!

Man's best friend

Jan 18, 2017 at 1:22pm

I'm sorry you have been inflicted like this. I wish you all the best in your life. You seem to have the right attitude.

Sincerely

Jan 19, 2017 at 12:51am

Depression, PTSD and maybe Borderline Personality Disorder are mine, and I may well be on my way to becoming an alcoholic because I've run out of other ways to stay alive. I've been hospitalized more times than I can remember. I wish medicine could be of more help to me. So far it hasn't done much. Your grandma sounds delightful.

@Sincerely

Jan 21, 2017 at 3:11am

I understand. I feel for you. Past trauma and conflicting beliefs in your mind may be causing the 'bipolar effect'. You may like to google 'spiritual reasons for bipolar' on youtube or the internet at large. EMDR, formally termed 'Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing' (or as i like to call it, 'Emotional Mediation (of past 'hidden' memory of trauma) Data Resurfacing') therapy by a certified veteran EMDR-specialist may be of help; you may like to look into it. In a rough nutshell, during the therapeutic session, an EMDR specialist asks what trauma a person had gone thru briefly. Then (walking the person thru their trauma using words and questions and descriptors) he/she will 'bring up' the unpleasant memory(ies) and related uncomfortable emotional and physiological and physico-sensory sensations (feels unpleasant) during the traumatic event in order for the emotional/audio-visual memories to be processed by the current brain by 'feeling all the unpleasant feelings and thoughts and memories' that had been 'hidden' by the brain as a survival protective mechanism during the actual time of past trauma. As far as in i know, EMDR may be the only ACTUAL CURE for PTSD's of any and all kinds and types. There is a significantly high (90+%) success rate for actual cure of the PTSD-causing 'mental condition'. Feel free to google keywords related to the above information. The American Psychiatric and Psychological Associations both acknowledge and endorse EMDR therapy as effective therapy (and cure) for PTSD's. Feel free to google any of the information provided in this text to confirm its validity. Wishing the OP, you (@Sincerely) and everyone well-deserved peaceful, healing, loving, healthy, prosperous, wealthy and fulfilling life and relationships and times ahead :)