It can be challenging discerning paradox from plan. The pursuit of clarity is a murky process. And being unable to see the bottom of a pond does not make it have depth.

I recently ran into someone from high school. I wouldn't call this person a fully-fledged bully. That person was just a colossal jerk to me. We both talked for a while and had no hard feelings about the past. He never apologized, but really it didn't matter. We both moved on. I respect people who move on from high school much more than those still stuck in high school 20 years later.

It’s great that he gave up drinking if it was creating a problem in his life. It’s sad that the only time he could ever say the things that I needed to hear from him was when he was drinking. I think if you can only express your true feelings when you’re drunk, alcohol is only a symptom of a much bigger problem.

I'm really not as nice as I think I am, and I have done some stuff I super regret in the past, been mean, gossipy, participated in bullying, lied , ugh. But ya, I'm Hella suffering, just like so bad, and it's an fuped situation, meds have just made it worse. I wonder if I deserve it. But I know way better people than me who suffered n succumbed to the same shit, gawd I hope it's not my fault, so anyways I know it's not a fate thing. Its not a fair payback thing. Its just bad landing I guess, some people have a very advantageous point over others and use it. I'd like to check in on the people I loved, liked, under appreciated and harmed but im worried its not safe for me to test the waters, plus im just too cray for people rn. I dunno, my current life sucks, considering I love in the sweet part of canada, if I ever get out of this mess I will be a better person, I will enjoy life, and I will do my best to see other parts of north america and the world. I wish I did more and saved u, u r such a good person compared to everyone else. I don't think anyone is gonna help me, while I get that I suck, I don't know why u wouldn't want to take this chance to help all the other awesome people, I reiterate, BETTER people than me, who this shit storm hits. I'm talking about the mindfck thing. Stop ignoring it, speak up. If u don't know what I'm talking about then man am I jealous...

It happened before I even realized but I think I love you. I will never tell you, you can never and will never know and our solid friendship is now doomed. Eventually the heartache will wear and tear on me to the point where I just quietly slip away. I believe the kids today call this "ghosting." It's been nice knowing you.

Something we notice on social media is basically a trend of all kinds of phrases. Among the many phrases you hear are “ghosting”, “bae” “wokeness” “narcissist” and now “do better.” I wonder if I’m the only one who thinks that “do better” is merely a disguised insult that comes off as virtue signalling? I find that whenever people use this phrase, they don’t actually encourage positive behavior. It comes off as attacking and demeaning, which basically makes the other person feel ambushed. Maybe I’m the one who needs to “do better”. Do better? Do worse? What next? Do nothing? Nothing at all? JUST DO IT!!

I haven’t liked this word “ lovely “ for awhile now and today I have to tell the public. I noticed whenever people say “ she’s lovely “, or “ It’s a lovely present “, “ it was lovely to meet them “, they all don’t have anything nice to say, but they still have to be polite, so they use the word lovely. I find it so fake when they say it too. I like analyzing body language and words people use, what they say how they say something, so that’s what I noticed. Ever since I realized this, I caught myself wanting to use this “ lovely “ to describe someone or something too. Just a couple of times because I really didn’t know what to say. I chose not to comment. I caught myself not to do it, because at that moment I just confirmed so it is true, when you can’t describe someone/ something is nice, we just turn to the word “ lovely”. Another word is “ yes”. Someone that keeps saying “yes”, it sounds patronizing. They are usually people that are proper, want to let people know they are educated and a good person. They just keep answering “ yes “. Hey, what do you readers think? Any thoughts are welcome. I’m sure I will get some disagreements. I let you know, I haven’t used the word “ lovely “ once in my life to describe anything or anyone. But I have said “ yes , yes, yes” to a few people, and in my heart I was doing my eye rolling. Ya, I don’t eye roll when I’m in conversation. I also think that’s a sign. It says a lot about how they feel about the other person. Haha

…women. Anyone who doesn’t see this is either part of it or is willfully blind to the it. My news feed this morning had no fewer than 4 articles about women right here in BC who had been murdered by their domestic partners, or sexually assaulted by a stranger. What’s happening in the states is unbelievable and it’s clear to anyone with a brain what the end goal here. I’ve done my time for 6 decades of fighting for equal rights for women, and I’m tired! It’s time for decent men to start calling out the bad ones and teaching the young men that traditional patriarchal values don’t serve anyone in the long run.

It's a strange poem. And with the aurora making regular appearances it's come back to mind. Three friends venturing to seek out what fortune can be made of a mysterious phenomenon. One has a problem with their feet and bows out. Another wanders off with disjointed speech and is lost from exposure. The writer makes it and is in awe of the crackling magnetic glow, yet returns to civilization penniless, still alive, but starving. In my life I've seen parallels of the poem play out in unexpected ways. It's caused me to wonder if chasing passions and the discovery of self is a fools errand. Therapy is expensive and it leaves me lonely and hungry.

I imagine a child wandering off onto a road. A panicked parent rushes to snatch and snap the little one out of harms way. Anger, fear, and shoulder shaking. A raised voice criticizing and demanding, what’s wrong with you? and don’t ever do that again. Then the shock and pain of a spanking. I am coming to understand now why I instinctually beat myself up so much at near misses and innocuous blunders. I tried to speak kindly to myself like I’m a little child to no avail. I’ve realized it’s not the kid inside who’s upset or scared, it is a protective parent. What I’d say to soothe a frantic parent greatly differs from a startled pre schooler. Everything is okay. Nothing bad happened. You’re not a bad person. This happens to more people than you think. I am okay. I love you.