we can’t have nice things. I want to get an electric bike but knowing that if I leave it for a minute to go into a store it’s going to be stolen no matter how expensive my locks are. I’d love to have a better car but at least my old one isn’t going to be a typical target. Thieves can brazenly steal in broad daylight with multiple witnesses taking videos of the whole thing. They can openly run bike chop shops selling stolen bikes. They can operate a stolen goods market right down the street from the police station. We live in another world from the one I grew up in here, and if I hear one more person tell me that I should be tolerant because the “poor thieves” are drug addicts, I’m going to scream. This is absolutely insane and the inmates are running the asylum. (And before you lose your mind telling me how privileged I am, let me set you straight: I’m a low income disabled senior who still has to work because I can’t afford to live if I don’t. )

Have you ever looked back at a situation you once lived in and realized how completely bizarre it really was? Like a job or a relationship or your family life? It’s been years of healing from the last one for me, but memories keep surfacing and when I look at them without the influence of that person colouring my perception I see so clearly how really messed up it was. I didn’t even know what was happening because it was so insidious that by the time I realized what was going on I was ensnared in it. Same with some old jobs I had where the stuff I had to deal with would never be tolerated in any workplace today, but back then it was just my usual day. Recognizing how all of these things have affected me is like putting puzzle pieces together so it all makes sense. Now it’s just learning how to leave it in the past and move forward in a healthier way.

I imagine a child wandering off onto a road. A panicked parent rushes to snatch and snap the little one out of harms way. Anger, fear, and shoulder shaking. A raised voice criticizing and demanding, what’s wrong with you? and don’t ever do that again. Then the shock and pain of a spanking. I am coming to understand now why I instinctually beat myself up so much at near misses and innocuous blunders. I tried to speak kindly to myself like I’m a little child to no avail. I’ve realized it’s not the kid inside who’s upset or scared, it is a protective parent. What I’d say to soothe a frantic parent greatly differs from a startled pre schooler. Everything is okay. Nothing bad happened. You’re not a bad person. This happens to more people than you think. I am okay. I love you.

It's a strange poem. And with the aurora making regular appearances it's come back to mind. Three friends venturing to seek out what fortune can be made of a mysterious phenomenon. One has a problem with their feet and bows out. Another wanders off with disjointed speech and is lost from exposure. The writer makes it and is in awe of the crackling magnetic glow, yet returns to civilization penniless, still alive, but starving. In my life I've seen parallels of the poem play out in unexpected ways. It's caused me to wonder if chasing passions and the discovery of self is a fools errand. Therapy is expensive and it leaves me lonely and hungry.

…women. Anyone who doesn’t see this is either part of it or is willfully blind to the it. My news feed this morning had no fewer than 4 articles about women right here in BC who had been murdered by their domestic partners, or sexually assaulted by a stranger. What’s happening in the states is unbelievable and it’s clear to anyone with a brain what the end goal here. I’ve done my time for 6 decades of fighting for equal rights for women, and I’m tired! It’s time for decent men to start calling out the bad ones and teaching the young men that traditional patriarchal values don’t serve anyone in the long run.

It happened before I even realized but I think I love you. I will never tell you, you can never and will never know and our solid friendship is now doomed. Eventually the heartache will wear and tear on me to the point where I just quietly slip away. I believe the kids today call this "ghosting." It's been nice knowing you.

Realizing I am alone in the world is a hard pill to swallow. I have a hard time making friends. Mostly because of past traumatic events, that I'm still trying to over come. Everyone always leaves or dies. I thought my heart was broken before. But as time goes on I feel more sad and alone.

I'm really not as nice as I think I am, and I have done some stuff I super regret in the past, been mean, gossipy, participated in bullying, lied , ugh. But ya, I'm Hella suffering, just like so bad, and it's an fuped situation, meds have just made it worse. I wonder if I deserve it. But I know way better people than me who suffered n succumbed to the same shit, gawd I hope it's not my fault, so anyways I know it's not a fate thing. Its not a fair payback thing. Its just bad landing I guess, some people have a very advantageous point over others and use it. I'd like to check in on the people I loved, liked, under appreciated and harmed but im worried its not safe for me to test the waters, plus im just too cray for people rn. I dunno, my current life sucks, considering I love in the sweet part of canada, if I ever get out of this mess I will be a better person, I will enjoy life, and I will do my best to see other parts of north america and the world. I wish I did more and saved u, u r such a good person compared to everyone else. I don't think anyone is gonna help me, while I get that I suck, I don't know why u wouldn't want to take this chance to help all the other awesome people, I reiterate, BETTER people than me, who this shit storm hits. I'm talking about the mindfck thing. Stop ignoring it, speak up. If u don't know what I'm talking about then man am I jealous...

It’s great that he gave up drinking if it was creating a problem in his life. It’s sad that the only time he could ever say the things that I needed to hear from him was when he was drinking. I think if you can only express your true feelings when you’re drunk, alcohol is only a symptom of a much bigger problem.

I haven’t liked this word “ lovely “ for awhile now and today I have to tell the public. I noticed whenever people say “ she’s lovely “, or “ It’s a lovely present “, “ it was lovely to meet them “, they all don’t have anything nice to say, but they still have to be polite, so they use the word lovely. I find it so fake when they say it too. I like analyzing body language and words people use, what they say how they say something, so that’s what I noticed. Ever since I realized this, I caught myself wanting to use this “ lovely “ to describe someone or something too. Just a couple of times because I really didn’t know what to say. I chose not to comment. I caught myself not to do it, because at that moment I just confirmed so it is true, when you can’t describe someone/ something is nice, we just turn to the word “ lovely”. Another word is “ yes”. Someone that keeps saying “yes”, it sounds patronizing. They are usually people that are proper, want to let people know they are educated and a good person. They just keep answering “ yes “. Hey, what do you readers think? Any thoughts are welcome. I’m sure I will get some disagreements. I let you know, I haven’t used the word “ lovely “ once in my life to describe anything or anyone. But I have said “ yes , yes, yes” to a few people, and in my heart I was doing my eye rolling. Ya, I don’t eye roll when I’m in conversation. I also think that’s a sign. It says a lot about how they feel about the other person. Haha