Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You'll have better luck getting Jude Law to keep his dick in his pants than you will getting someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering "Who are those people I see every time I go to a show?" You're too shy to ask, so we do it for you.

WHO ARE YOU? "Troy Clinton Whitley the first."

IN MY 9-TO-5 LIFE I'M A: "Radio-broadcasting student at Columbia Academy. Remember me. I'm going to be famous."

IF YOU'RE BUYING, I'LL HAVE: "Jack and ginger, hold the ginger."

THE BEST SHOW I EVER SAW WAS: "Mí¶tley Crí¼e is definitely up there, but it would have to be Edgefest '98. It was my first real stadium concert and my introduction to the sport of body-surfing. I've never been touched in so many dirty and inappropriate ways."

I WISH PEOPLE WOULD SHUT UP ABOUT: "Their opposition to gay marriage. It's law in Canada; deal with it. With divorce rates as high as they are, do gays really want to get married, though? I imagine it was a great excuse for the noncommittal 'Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but you know we can't.' Now you're stuck."

THE LAST CONCERT T-SHIRT I BOUGHT WAS: "Warped Tour '04 at T-Bird Stadium. I always go to shows and never buy any of the gear, and I thought that it was about time. Usually I'm so tapped out from buying the ticket that I don't have any coin to spend on the threads."

IN THE MOVIE OF MY LIFE, I'D BE PLAYED BY: "They already made that movie about Troy. I haven't seen it, but I'm pretty sure it was about me. I would have picked someone better-looking than Brad Pitt to play me, though. I think I bear a passing resemblance to Orlando Bloom."

IS IT TRUE YOU TRIED TO GET THE ATTENTION OF TOMMY LEE BY WAVING YOUR GIANT DINK AT HIM? "It's absolutely true, and sadly it didn't work. My buddy and I found the giant member in a back alley, where it had been abandoned by its former owners. We decided it was too good to pass up, so we crammed eight feet of masculinity into the back of my Honda. We're both huge Mí¶tley fans and painstakingly compared the adult home video of Tommy Lee and Pamela Lee Anderson to [that of] Vince Neil and Janine Lindemulder. Tommy Lee's was of a higher calibre, and since this is an almost-to-scale replica of Tommy, based on that video, we felt he'd appreciate the trophy."