Who Are You?

Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You’ll have better luck winning Olympic gold for Canada than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering, “Who are all those people I see every time I go to a show?” You’re too shy to ask, so we do it for you. Who are you?: “Aria Usan Troller.” In my 9-to-5 life I’m: “On sabbatical from the film industry. I’ve endeavoured to pursue my own Fellini-esque world of creating fashion designs that are larger than life, putting fun and whimsy with a touch of naughty into my designs.” If you're buying, I’ll have: “Louis Roederer Champagne.” The best show I ever saw was: “I’ve seen a number of shows featuring some of our world’s most renowned musicians, so it’s difficult to select one. I would have to pick Peter Gabriel’s 1993 Us tour. By the time we had found our seats they were in the nosebleed section, so I decided I wanted to sit down by the stage. We made our way down, and when we were asked by security where our seats were, we both pointed to the front row where there were two empty seats, and ended up dancing on the stage floor the entire night without any hassle.” I wish people would shut up about: “Religion being politics and vice versa. Both seem to have fallen into the perils of corruption and do little if nothing to service the average man, to deliver and secure his dignity, his liberty, or his humanity.” The last concert T-shirt I bought was: “At a Nine Inch Nails concert.”¦I think in 2000?” In the movie of my life, I’d be played by: “If my ego was met with perfection, it would have to be an edgy Salma Hayek, but with regards to my life and my looks and, above all, my character, I would cast, with the greatest esteem and praise, Ms. Anjelica Huston!” Slightly better than drowning in an elevator: “My Casino Royale experience involved a beau from Montreal and a sweet and charming older couple who had a Bob Newhart feel to them. We met them at the blackjack table at the Sands casino in Atlantic City, and they ended up buying us congratulatory drinks. We toasted and sipped and, by that time, my drink had come back up into my glass. Folo—the older woman—found me in the washroom with my feet sticking out of the bottom of the stall. I had a full audience as I was about to be arrested for causing a disturbance and for loitering!”
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You’ll have better luck getting Madonna to wrap up her Rock and Roll Hall of Fame acceptance speech than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering, “Who are all those people I see every time I go to a show?” You’re too shy to ask, so we do it for you. Who are you? “I’m Grant!” In my 9-to-5 life I’m: “Asleep. Sometimes when I run out of money I wait tables, but the longer my hair gets, the harder it is to find work, you know?” If you're buying, I’ll have: “Whatever’s cheap. I’d rather not develop a taste for the expensive stuff if I can help it.” The best show I ever saw was: “Hard to say. Most of my favourite bands are dead, or worse, old. I saw LCD Soundsystem at the Commodore last year and that was pretty fun, but I don’t know if it was the best show I’ve ever seen. The Dolls were pretty great too, except that there was some pretentious d-bag in an argyle sweater standing next to me the whole show who would shove me whenever I tried to dance. His friend even tried to fight my girlfriend! By the way, if you don’t want to get bumped into at a show, don’t stand in the front row.” I wish people would shut up about: “I just wish they’d shut up in general. I was a little grossed out by the massive outpouring of grief when Heath Ledger died. I really don’t get how people can be so attached to someone they’ve never met. Also, I’d really love it if I never had to hear anything about Pitchfork ever again. Who appointed them the supreme arbiters of good taste?” The last concert T-shirt I bought was: “Concert Ts are always a rip-off. I don’t think I’ve ever bought one.” In the movie of my life, I’d be played by: “James Dean? To be honest, I don’t think a movie about my life would be that interesting. I sure wouldn’t pay to see it.” What’s prettiest in pink? “I do have a fairly sizable collection of pink guitars. Well, three. I have three pink guitars. Is that sizable? Maybe I’ll e-mail Pitchfork and ask them—they know everything!”
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You’ll have better luck convincing the Hiltons that Paris is the only fuck-up in the family than you will getting someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering, “Who are all these people I see every time I go to a show?” You’re too shy to ask, so we do it for you.Who are you? “DentoR.”In my 9-to-5 life I’m: “Recuperating.”If you're buyiing, I'll have: “Whatever you’re buyin’, dollface! Or a R & B Red Devil, dude!”The best show I ever saw was: “James Brown at the Queen E. He was backed by a 26-piece band with a drummer who played like his balls would be cut off if he missed even one beat.”The last concert T-shirt I bought was: “At the North West Metal Fest last summer in Mission, because I knew I wouldn’t remember any of it!”In the movie of my life I’d be played by: “Bruce Campbell. I’d want him to play me so that I would be associated with his stoic manliness!” But it will be filmed in sexicolor? “I’m playing a lead role in Screaming Chicken’s presentation of Orgy of the Dead in March. I have a nagging feeling that I’ve been typecast, though.”
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You’ll have better luck springing Britney from the rubber room than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering, “Who are all these people I see every time I go to a show?” You’re too shy to ask, so we do it for you.Who are you? “I am Michelle, and I’m freaking awesome. Anyone that knows me will tell you that.”In my 9-to-5 life I’m a: “Student studying to become an optician, and on the weekends I work as a receptionist. Lame, I know.”If you’re buying, I’ll have: “Stella Artois, please. Or a Guinness. Actually, any beer from Europe will do. North American beer is terrible! That includes Canadian beer.”The best show I ever saw was: “I don’t know. I haven’t really seen any bad shows, but the best show I’ve seen in the past couple of months was M.I.A. at the Commodore. That was awesome. You can totally tell she loves what she does and puts on a hella entertaining show. Plus, you should see her dance! It’s intense.”I wish people would shut up about: “Scene kids. I hate them and their fluorescent-coloured eye shadow, tight pants, their haircuts, and the music they listen to. The music starts off as a somewhat decent metal song, then turns into a freakin’ pop-punk song during the chorus. Lame! To top it all off, they hang out in big groups downtown and at Metrotown and act like they are 12 years old, when they are in fact 21.”The last concert T-shirt I bought was: “I don’t really like buying concert T-shirts because it’s guaranteed that at least 50 other people will have that shirt, and you are bound to see someone wear the same one at another concert, at the mall, or even at school. But the last concert shirt I bought was a Broadway Calls shirt from when they were here at the beginning of January. They were just so good live I had to buy a shirt. Plus, there were dinosaurs on it and I couldn’t resist.”In the movie of my life, I'd be played by: “Chloí« Sevigny, because she can tackle all those goofy, obscure roles, which is exactly how my life is right now. I can just picture it—she would win her first Oscar playing me in The Michelle Swami Story.”Werd to the weird: “I like to admit I’m weird, but when someone else is like, ”˜Oh yeah, you’re weird,’ I freak out and tell them, ”˜Hey, I’m not weird! I’m normal!’ But yeah, I’m pretty weird. I walk a bit funny, I say really stupid things, I talk really loudly, wear different clothes, make crazy faces for no reason, and so on. No matter how normal I try to be I’ll always be weird, and I’m okay with it. Unless someone else calls me weird.”
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You'll have better luck keeping Britney Spears out of the tabloids for a week than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering, "Who are all these people I see every time I go to a show?" You're too shy to ask, so we do it for you.
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You'll have better luck getting Matt Cooke to drop the gloves than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering, "Who are all those people I see every time I go to a show?" You're too shy to ask, so we do it for you.WHO ARE YOU? "Jill Templeton"IN MY 9-TO-5 LIFE I'M A: "Fourth-level wizard."IF YOU'RE BUYING, I'LL HAVE: "A gin and tonic. Bombay [Sapphire], to be exact. And let's make it a double."THE BEST SHOW I EVER SAW WAS: "There are many, but I would have to say the Pixies a few years back at the University of Calgary, for classic reasons."I WISH PEOPLE WOULD SHUT UP ABOUT: "The garbage strike. In my opinion, it's the best thing that has ever happened to this city! I love waking up every day to piles of garbage everywhere I look, don't you? Not to mention the wonderful aroma it gives off. Mmmmm, I live for it!"THE LAST CONCERT T-SHIRT I BOUGHT WAS: "Zombie Ghost Train, because they were sooooo damn cute! The show was at Pat's Pub at the end of August. They're from Australia and it was a deadly show."IN THE MOVIE OF MY LIFE, I'D BE PLAYED BY: "Bette Midler. Not Beaches Midler but Drowning Mona Midler. Only because she's a crazy bitch."WHAT GETS YOU BUZZIN', CUZZIN? "A big, stiff one. Refer to Question 3, please."
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You'll have better luck getting KISS to admit it's over than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar.
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You'll have better luck getting Lindsay Lohan to knock back a Slutty Redhead than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering "Who are those people I see every time I go to a show?" You're too shy to ask, so we do it for you.WHO ARE YOU? "Jennifer Fitzgerald, aka Jennifer Ravish."IN MY 9-TO-5 LIFE I'M A: "Philosophy and business major at Simon Fraser University."IF YOU'RE BUYING, I'LL HAVE: "A soy chai, please, as I'm straight-edge."THE BEST SHOW I EVER SAW WAS: "Bumbershoot in Seattle last fall. The combination of Blondie and AFI was almost too much to handle. Deborah Harry looked amazing, at 61, in neon-green spandex. She even had matching shoes that she threw into the crowd."I WISH PEOPLE WOULD SHUT UP ABOUT: "Crowd-surfing. It's not cool, despite what your friends keep telling you. It's just extremely annoying and, regardless of popular belief, is not the least bit hard-core."THE LAST CONCERT T-SHIRT I BOUGHT WAS: "The Creepshow when they played at Pat's Pub last September. I bought it from the lovely Hellcat herself."IN THE MOVIE OF MY LIFE, I'D BE PLAYED BY: "Patrick Stewart, because I'm so much like him that sometimes I forget I'm not him, and am surprised when I look into a mirror. He'd have to wear a pink wig, though."WE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE STANDING BEHIND YOU BECAUSE: "I wear my six-and-three-quarter-inch Demonia Stack platform boots to every show I go to. I own six pairs, all in different colours, including one pair in full silver sparkles."  
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You’ll have better luck getting us to celebrate Lukas Rossi’s Rock Star: Supernova win than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering, “Who are all those people I see every time I go to a show?” You’re too shy to ask, so we do it for you. WHO ARE YOU? “Connie Chi-ang”. IN MY 9-TO-5 LIFE I’M A: “Makeup artist and dresser of hair”. IF YOU’RE BUYING, I’LL HAVE: “Some root beer mixed with lingonberry juice”. THE BEST SHOW I EVER SAW WAS: “The Flaming Lips at Sasquatch! a few months ago at the Gorge. After a day of freezing hail and horse poo, that show could not have been a better closer.” I WISH PEOPLE WOULD SHUT UP ABOUT: “Asking if it hurt to stretch my ears. Mine aren’t even very large. No, they weren’t hole-punched either, douches.” THE LAST CONCERT T-SHIRT I BOUGHT WAS: “I buy buttons instead of T-shirts, and my last button was from the Magic Numbers show. I can’t fit into T-shirts you get at shows, they look like pillow cases on me.” IN THE MOVIE OF MY LIFE, I’D BE PLAYED BY: “Vinnie Jones because I’M THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!” WHAT’S YOUR THING THAT SHOULD NOT BE? “I have to cover my face when I laugh! I can’t help it, my third lip pops out when I laugh—I’m protecting the world from that devilish mutation.”
Ever try to meet people in Vancouver? You'll have better luck finding out how they put the caramel inside those Caramilks than you will convincing someone to talk to you in a bar. So there you stand, wondering "Who are those people I see every time I go to a show?" You're too shy to ask, so we do it for you. WHO ARE YOU: "My name is Reece Linley." IN MY 9-TO-5 LIFE I'M A: "Actually, it's more like 9-to-3 a.m.… I'm a soundman and one of the promoters at the Marine Club. I book the Rockabilly Roundup nights [every first and third Saturday of the month], which consists of traditional neo- and psychobilly live bands and DJs with lots of hot rods and swinging going on. I also have a '50s car club called the Road Kutters. We go cruising, have barbecues, and help each other with our cars. They're good friends with cool hot rods-love ya guys!" IF YOU'RE BUYING, I'LL HAVE: "A rum and Coke. Or a Pilsner. Yes, it's trashy, but I like it!" THE BEST SHOW I EVER SAW WAS: "High Noon Reunion at Viva Las Vegas 2002. They're just amazing musicians with that true, traditional rockabilly sound I love. I was also in a band called Rip Carson and the Twilight Trio and we played the main stage in front of about 4,000 people. It was a great show with tons of hot rods, tons of bands, tons of ladies, and, last but not least, tons of beer." I WISH PEOPLE WOULD SHUT-UP ABOUT: "Gossip. I hate it. Keep your frickin' lies and drama away from me!" THE LAST CONCERT T-SHIRT I BOUGHT WAS: "At the Hot Rod O' Rama. My old band Deadbolt from San Diego was playing and I had to go on, so I said to my fellow band member, Harley Davidson, 'Gimme a fucking shirt, you bastard. Mine's all worn out.'?" IN THE MOVIE OF MY LIFE I WOULD BE PLAYED BY: "I would say [Bill Paxton's character Pvt.] Hudson from the movie Aliens." YOUR BEST MODEL-A STINKY MOMENT WAS: "It was when I got my 1930 Model A running for the first time. I built it from the ground up; I'm talking from scratch! I got the frame from here, the body from there, built the motor from nothing. Finally after 10 months of 10- to 12-hour days of slaving on it, it was the moment of truth. I stuffed my 6-foot-3 self into this tiny car that had no floor, no shifter, no lights, no exhaust. I was sitting on the battery with the jerrycan almost on my lap with a tube running through the windshield hole, ripping around the shop making stinkies (peel-outs). I was proud that day."