News for Youse: Who cares about real news when there's a bear on the loose?
Sure, five people were arrested in relation to Occupy the Ports actions in Vancouver yesterday (December 12). But the local Twitter sniping was quickly deterred after a rogue bear decided to get its wander on in downtown Vancouver.
The bear, which was cornered near Queen Elizabeth Theatre yesterday afternoon, was then tranquilized, and placed into a temporary holding facility in North Vancouver. It will be transported and released into the woods near Squamish later this week.
For the latest, check out the media-savvy bear's Twitter account. It seems to like chestnuts; who would've guessed? There is also a copycat Downtown Bear Twitter account, definitively proving that Vancouverites don't know when a joke has been beaten to death.
Building on the momentum of yesterday's bear-and-hippie arrests, 900 police officers executed 67 search warrants across three provinces this morning. It's currently unknown exactly what the aim of Project Marvel was; according to CBC's Colin Butler, the booking process was "fast and furious" and "police say they’re too busy processing the suspects to give us any idea of what’s happening.”
News for Youse, of course, can only speculate that a number of masked vigilantes have been taken into custody in an attempt for police agencies to cover up the fact that they are now completely ineffectual and redundant in a world run by shadow superheroes and villains. Those taken into custody will be tranquilized and released into the woods near Squamish later this week.
In other non-surprising news, Canada has officially dumped Kyoto, citing irreconcilable differences. Peter Kent could barely stop laughing when he told reporters of the pullout, which will save Canada $14 billion in penalty payments for not doing a goddamn thing to reduce its emissions.
News for Youse has been mulling this over and we think we know where to really put the blame for this Canada-Kyoto flameout: the Downtown Bear. No, no, hear us out. What animal is seriously affected by climate change, melting ice floes, and rising sea levels? Polar bears. Who hates polar bears and wishes to eliminate their northern hegemonic power? Black bears, notably their downtown envoy. C'mon Kent, admit it: DOWNTOWN BEAR GOT TO YOU.
Kent, who shares a last name with Clark Kent, a known superhero sympathizer and covert media operative, was not arrested for crimes against bear-manity during the cross-country vigilante raid this morning. However, he will be tranquilized and released into the woods near Squamish later this week.
Oh, and then scientists found the "God" particle. Oh, no, they only found "tantalizing hints". Goddamn scientists, you think you can capture our imagination like a bear can? Tsk tsk. Get back in the laboratory and let us know when you discover something important, like cloning an even cuter bear.
Follow the one-joke Miranda Nelson on Twitter at @charenton_. She doesn't actually care about bears that much.