I'm just happy I'm not your boyfriend.

You need to really grow up. Not ready for any kind of relationship. Love and compatibility is rare to find. You may really regret letting a nice person go. P.S. The lust comes from the "cheating' mysterious aspect of your affair. It is fleeting and not real.

So you were awful to two people then. Cheated on your boyfriend plus treated the other guy terribly in order to get rid of him. Neither of these actions are honourable. The more honourable thing to do there would have been to break it off with your boyfriend before actually hooking up with the other guy. Clearly you're not happy in your current situation, and you're not willing to communicate to fix the issues. No excuse for 9 months of cheating.

I don't understand why you stayed with the BF if you miss the other guy so much. Let this boyfriend go, allow him to find someone who actually loves him and isn't secretly longing for another.

Who knows, maybe you can make up with the other guy and get him back. If not, call it a lesson learned. Spending time alone could be good for you. Perhaps it would encourage you to learn to be more open and honest with people and also yourself, because disregarding others and treating them like garbage is no way to solve problems. It just makes you a terrible person. I can't apologize for truth but I can hope it motivates you to be better.

Let's seeeeee....You are dissatisfied with Boy no.1 because he doesn't enjoy sharing in activities that you enjoy. So you discreetly hookup with Boy no.2, and repeatedly have a great interaction. But then you dump Boy no.2 to remain with Boy no.1......there's pieces missing from this picture.
I'm guessing that Boy no.1 lacks stimulation but has resources and provides domestic stability while paying the bills.
Boy no.2 is massively stimulating but has way less resources and is disinterested in anything that would resemble a domestic tie-down.
Is it a learning process where one comes to terms with the boring brown-paper-bag repetitiveness of secure home life as opposed to life on the road with a rock band?
There can easily be harder ( Much Harder!) lessons in life. This one's more like eating the cake, and then lamenting still not having it in the hand.
The great news...you're still young. (!!!) My hope, good things for you.

I really feel bad for your boyfriend. You sure played him like a fiddle. I hope he gets away from you.
I don't know how people like you can live with yourselves. Selfish & manipulative liar.

...boy No2 must have known about your bf and was hoping against hope that you'd choose him and dump the bf. I guess he knew the risk he was taking. Hard not to feel badly for him though.

And now, you've run back to the bf whom I assume remains blithely unaware that you've shared your heart and body with another guy, whilst sharing them with him too.

And your only question is "is that worse than just having an affair where it's all about lust lust lust?"

Soul search sister. You're making a mess for yourself and the 2 guys. There is something here for each person to learn. Karma could come 'round and bitecha on the butt for this if you don't cop to the lesson.

And, karma's not a bitch by the way. Its a natural law not unlike gravity. It works independently of your belief in it. You (we), through our actions, deeds and thoughts, simply send it to ourselves. Take heed.
Time to come clean out of respect for yourself, bf and boy No2.

It's refreshing to hear your story. It once again proves how as we all gain our independence, being together for the long term is an outdated concept which was only useful at a time when people really had to survive.

No sympathy. People like you are true narcissists, just terrible human beings with no true empathy for anyone.