I am pretty sure Amazon butchered Lord of the Rings and it led to this.

It took me many, many years to accept this, but I finally did. No matter how much you want someone to feel about you the way you feel about them, if they’re not showing you in all of the important ways that they do, then you’re wasting your time. The people who specialize in being elusive and vague about your relationship status and their true intentions aren’t in it for love. They’re in it for themselves only, and you’re just a place for them to rest a while, before they move on. If they leave you confused and in doubt, they know it and it’s deliberate. They’re selfish and they do not have your best interests at heart. So as painful and difficult as it is to accept this reality, if you don’t then you’re in for nothing but misery. You’ll wind up older but no further ahead, and with fewer prospects than you had when you were younger.

I wonder if you'd remember the temperate day where we met in the grass or if that descriptor would even elicit myself—if I would be so far down the list of sunny meetings that you would never recall who I was. I hardly think of you now but today you fell into my head and alas, I am here for one last time. I hope you're well and I'm sorry. I feel of all people, you would've noticed that I wrote with the archaic double space after a period. Well, not wrote. I still do in spite of being well aware it is a flawed practice. In any case, I am well and there is someone else now, maybe. It is uncertain but only because life is. I was ruminating on all the words that we shared and am glad we got to, even if our window eclipsed in a regretful way. Best, a person with amber.

I realized this Christmas that Christmas that I used to know, the entire idea and feeling of Christmas, no longer exists. It’s like a figment of my imagination: the cosy family dinner, the goodwill amongst my siblings, the cards that I used to create and send out, the cookies that I used to bake…. The flame has died for me. I would hustle all month to make everything happen. Now too cynical and exhausted. No one else picks up the slack. So Christmas doesn’t exist anymore. The holiday and the feelings no longer align. A new ritual to create perhaps?

I confess that I’m ready to quit my job. I’ve felt this way before when I just knew that I couldn’t stand it anymore and the thought of going to work made me physically sick. I just don’t care about my employer anymore because they’re so selfish and messed up. The epitome of toxic. As much as I wanted it to work it’s just not worth destroying my mental and physical health for a paycheque.

I’ve made a lot of excuses for my family members who mistreated and neglected me as a child. I’m old now and I’m past the stage of holding onto anger and resentment towards them because of it. But I’m also being realistic now about some of what they did that I now realize was really wrong. Several times as a child I was either really sick or injured, and my father refused to get me any treatment. He had this “just live with it” attitude, and my mother just went along with whatever he wanted, so even though she could have taken me to the doctor or hospital, she just didn’t. So I’ve been left with some body damage like improperly set broken fingers, a broken nose, and lifelong psychological trauma from being sexually and physically assaulted. My oldest sibling was allowed to torment me with impunity, including regularly punching and bullying me, and I was without doubt the family scapegoat. I should be angry I guess, but I’m not. I’m just facing the truth of it, and that feels okay now. I wouldn’t say that I’ve forgiven them so much as I’ve just accepted what they did and acknowledged that I didn’t deserve any of it.

Why ? I get it now just not the WHY part ! Why me ? I'm nothing special, apparently not even that smart. Why Me ? If someone could just answer that question maybe it would justify all the weird ass shit that really made no sense all along this horrible journey I seem to be on. Why ?

Look so stupid, no style at all, shoes that people wear because they are pretty accessible to buy here, I'm not saying people should buy the latest pricy overpriced hipster shoes & clothing, but really....people don't even wear them to hike....just to wear on the street in downtown or suburbs.....I call them lazy shoes......ok I'm ready for the downvvotes

A man from my past contacted me a few months ago (last saw him 4 years ago), and he keeps texting me every few weeks, wanting to "see" me again. I'm quite confident he only wants to "have fun" with me, but am hesitant to see him. We didn't end on good terms the last time we saw each other, and I although I have asked him why he wants to see me again, I never really get a satisfying answer. I want more than just fun with him but I think he just views me as an option. Kinda flattering. Kinda annoying. I want to see him again... But I know deep down I shouldn't. Would you revisit your past if you had another chance?

Is it real or is it a distraction. I really don’t know myself at all these days.