If you thought Christmas music was all about rocking around Douglas firs, roasting chestnuts on an open fire, and dreaming about Yuletide snowfall, then—quite frankly—you haven’t really been listening to your favourite festive tunes at all.

Pay closer attention to the lyrics of Bing Crosby’s classic “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”, and you’ll discover that he never bothers to show up. Upbeat and joyful hit “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid is about millions of people starving to death.

And don’t get us started on the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”, where the first verse discusses surviving the night in a drunk tank, the second is about gambling, and by Verse 5 we’ve reached a veritable ode to domestic violence. (Yes, they really do sing “You’re an old slut on junk” and “You cheap lousy faggot”. Truly joyous.)

We at the Straight know this because our dedicated staff has once again sat through hours of Christmas albums to sort the musical gifts from the lumps of coal—which has, unfortunately, meant listening to the lyrics. How many records have we heard about married women attempting to seduce Santa? Frankly, we’ve lost count.

Luckily, we’re not ones to let a little heartbreak, adultery, and name-calling take anything away from the season’s songs—not least because it’s the very scene we wake up to on Christmas morning ourselves. So to help you navigate the daunting landscape of this year’s holiday albums, we’ve reprised our famous rating system.

Anything worth listening to gets a neatly wrapped present, the stuff that’s passable gets a pair of skimpy tighty-whiteys, and the records that are the musical equivalent of yellow snow are slapped with a wilting Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Happy holidays.

She & Him — Christmas Party

As anyone who has seen the perennial comedy Elf can testify, Zooey Deschanel is the queen of Christmas songs. It’s her soulful jazz voice that (spoiler alert) rallies enough festive cheer to finally launch Santa’s sleigh back into the sky and, in that weird shower scene, makes a young Will Ferrell fall in love with a fellow human.

(We say “weird” because we’re still wondering why a department store has a row of prison showers in its washrooms.)

Deschanel and bandmate Matthew Ward have reprised that festive role in the quirkiest way possible on Christmas Party, with covers including a mariachi version of the Bob Dylan–popularized “Must Be Santa”, a charming blues-infused take on the Hawaiian classic “Mele Kalikimaka”, and a three-piece swing interpretation of “Let It Snow”.

Plus, Christmas Party gets bonus points for making Frank Sinatra’s “A Marshmallow World” halfway palatable. 

> Kate Wilson

Neil Diamond — Acoustic Christmas

Just in case Neil Diamond’s four previous Christmas records weren’t enough to satisfy you, here’s another. And even if the first four were sufficient for you, here’s a fifth one anyway.

Diamond doesn’t give a reindeer shit about that any more than he cares that you might think it’s funny for a Jewish singer to make five overtly Christian-themed albums.

This is about as far into the middle of the road as it’s possible to get without being squashed flat by a UPS truck full of Amazon orders, but it must be said that for a man of his age—he turns 76 in a few weeks—Diamond has managed to keep his vocal cords in surprisingly great shape.

> John Lucas

Kacey Musgraves — A Very Kacey Christmas

Kacey Musgraves again proves herself one of the smartest young guns in modern country with a collection inspired by the iconic likes of Dolly Parton and Loretta Lynn.

Traditionalists will appreciate retro pedal steel and torch-and-twang guitar flourishes on “Let It Snow” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”. Those looking for new holiday faves can proceed to “A Willie Nice Christmas”, featuring everyone’s favourite pothead, Willie Nelson. (Sample lyric: “May we all stay higher than the angel on top of the tree.”)

File this one under instant Christmas classic.

> Mike Usinger

Rubik’s Cube Allstars — Vaporwave Christmas Party

The formula here is simple but arguably effective: take a 20-second sample of an old Christmas record, slow it down until it sounds as if the whole world is melting like a Vancouver snowman, and loop it for two-and-a-half minutes.

The results are occasionally hypnotic, but if you’re foolhardy enough to play this at an actual party, prepare to have your guests stage a full-scale Christmas coup.

> John Lucas

Straight No Chaser — I’ll Have Another…Christmas Album

If your all-time favourite Christmas presents have included Boyz II Men tickets, a home-castration kit, and Five Neat Guys Greatest Hits on vinyl, then pour a cup of Lucerne Holiday Horseglue—err, Eggnog—and cue up I’ll Have Another…Christmas Album.

If, on the other hand, you can’t stand grotesquely sanitized background music designed to keep the mood extra mellow in the old folks’ home, then this a cappella atrocity will give you a newfound appreciation of the genius of the Nylons.

Kylie Minogue — Kylie Christmas (Snow Queen Edition)

The crueller among us might say that releasing a Christmas album is a last-gasp attempt by an artist to claw back enough money to maintain the illusion of a lavish lifestyle. Normally, we’d leap to the staunch defence of Miss Minogue—but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Kylie Christmas (Snow Queen Edition) takes the Christmas cake for washed-up stars attempting to cash in on a commercial holiday by rereleasing exactly the same album as last year. Sure, she’s added six extra tracks, but we’ll save you some money here—they all sound exactly the same as the saccharine, Auto-Tuned filler of Kylie Christmas Mk. I.

Here’s to hoping Australian TV schedules a lucrative Neighbours reunion before we’re subjected to Kylie Christmas (Extra-Long Extended Snow Queen Edition) next year.

> Kate Wilson

Pentatonix — A Pentatonix Christmas

Let’s face it: failing some sort of sea change in popular culture, a strictly a cappella group is ultimately destined for a career as a novelty act. It happened to the Nylons, it happened to Manhattan Transfer, and it’s gonna happen to Pentatonix.

Fortunately, there’s this little holiday called Christmas, which is turning out to be the all-vocal quintet’s very bread and butter. (Or rum and eggnog, if you will.) As of this writing, the group is holding down the top two spots on Billboard’s holiday-albums chart, with A Pentatonix Christmas at No. 1 and 2014’s That’s Christmas to Me at No. 2.

If that seems insignificant, consider that both albums are also in the Top 10 of the overall album chart. Which is pretty damn impressive for something that’s this fucking irritating.

> John Lucas

Laura Pausini — Laura Xmas

Making a good case that God—and possibly Baby Jesus—pushed her overachiever button, Italy’s Laura Pausini has offered her first Christmas album in a variety of languages: English, Italian, Spanish, French, and Latin.

The term overprocessed doesn’t yield a lot of results when fed into an English-to-Italian translation program on Google, but that’s exactly what Laura Xmas is, the jazz singer’s vocals needlessly buffed to a blinding sheen, the big-band arrangements slick and soulless.

It’s not easy sucking all the fun out of the normally impossible-to-ruin “Feliz Navidad”, but the Italian superstar certainly manages the feat here. And no—unless you’re well into the vino de Jerez—the Spanish version (Laura Navidad) isn’t any less pukey. 

> Mike Usinger

R. Kelly — 12 Nights of Christmas

For a man who asked us to “Bump n’ Grind” in 1993, “Get Dirty” in 1997, and “Marry the Pussy” in 2013, R. Kelly’s career has taken a bit of a left turn this year.

The 12 original tracks—all written and produced by the singer—might contain a lot of holiday clichés (“Once Upon a Time” is basically a game of festive bingo), but the album’s smooth R&B sound and romantic lyrics hark back to ’60s Motown, only with much better production.

And with that voice, we can totally forgive Kelly’s rogue request to “fill your stocking with sweet things” while “flying on my sleigh”. It’s still family-friendly if it’s a euphemism, right?

> Kate Wilson

Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood — Christmas Together

Not to argue with the biggest hat in country music, but “I’m Beginning to See the Light” belongs on the Swingers soundtrack, not on a couple’s vanity project designed to plump up ye olde bank account just in time for Christmas.

That’s not the only misstep on Christmas Together, from the power twosome of Garth Brooks and his megastar wife, Trisha Yearwood.

“What I’m Thankful For” has Brooks singing with the exaggerated drawl of a down-on-his-luck Oklahoma hog farmer, not a multimillionaire with his own private jet, while a loungey “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” isn’t going to convince anyone (with the possible exception of a really fucking loaded Randy Travis) to drop their drawers and get busy in front of the fireplace. 

> Mike Usinger

The Droners — A Very Monotone Christmas 2

Now there’s a promising title! And the Droners deliver on that promise. If you have ever wondered what “Angels We Have Heard on High” or “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” would sound like with their melodies reduced to a single note, here’s your answer.

Really, though, if you wanted to know what that would sound like, you could easily find out by doing it yourself. If there’s one redeeming feature to A Very Monotone Christmas 2, it’s that even a tone-deaf elf on a three-day candy-cane bender ought to be able to sing along with it—although whether that actually counts as singing is debatable.

Those within earshot might classify it as cruel and unusual punishment.

> John Lucas

Loretta Lynn — White Christmas Blue

Starting with her 2004 Van Lear Rose comeback record with Jack White, Loretta Lynn has enjoyed the kind of late-career resurgence that Johnny Cash might have appreciated.

The Coal Miner’s Daughter is certainly on her game on White Christmas Blue, which comes a whopping 50 years after she last entered the holiday sweepstakes with 1966’s Country Christmas.

Closing in on her 85th year, Lynn doesn’t follow anyone’s vision but her own, and she’s thankfully gone the unvarnished route here, the songs featuring whiskey-burnished fiddle, stardust pedal steel, and golden-age-of-country piano.

Lynn faithfully resurrects her classic “To Heck With Ole Santa Claus”, puts a seasonal spin on hurtin’ songs with “White Christmas Blue”, and does Elvis proud with “Blue Christmas”. Pay attention, kids: this is how it’s done.

> Mike Usinger

Andra Day — Merry Christmas From Andra Day

Discovered by Stevie Wonder’s then wife while singing in front of a strip mall, jazz performer Andra Day has since become the Motown star’s mentee of sorts—and for good reason.

Although we would ordinarily rather choke on a Brussels sprout than voluntarily listen to “Winter Wonderland”, Day’s Billie Holiday–esque vocals transform even this dullest of Christmas songs into a smooth, old-timey lullaby.

Picking some of the most inventive festive music to cover, Day not only puts a unique spin on Stevie Wonder’s classic “Someday at Christmas” by trading bars with the legend himself, but somehow manages to rescue the stellar “Carol of the Bells” from being the sole preserve of a cappella five-pieces and small boys in white smocks.

> Kate Wilson

Jane Lynch — A Swingin’ Little Christmas

You know how Brian Setzer is on just the wrong side of tolerable with his Christmas swing shtick, this having everything to do with his approach being obnoxiously brassy? Jane Lynch also missed the memo that sometimes you need to tone down the enthusiasm when horns are involved, especially when it comes to swing music.

The former Glee star sounds like someone who’s been snorting icing sugar cut with horse laxatives and industrial speed on “On a Swingin’ Little Christmas Time”, after which she seems determined to set a land-speed record with “Good King Wenceslas”.

Swing—especially modern takes on the genre—sounds best when yellowed around the edges instead of note-perfect. If Lynch doesn’t get that, at least she’s got high-wattage, intricately pompadoured company. 

> Mike Usinger

Victorian Voices — A Properly Pronounced Christmas

You’ve got to give this a cappella quartet points for originality; immaculate diction is a seldom-used selling point. And it does a fine job of sounding old-timey on era-appropriate carols including “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” and “Lo, How a Rose”.

Why, you can practically see a bellicose Ebenezer Scrooge throwing open his bedroom window to empty his chamber pot over their correctly enunciating heads.

> John Lucas

The Killers — Don’t Waste Your Wishes

In the tradition of Sufjan Stevens, the Killers see Christmas as a great excuse to hit the studio, the platinum-selling band having teamed up over the years with everyone from Elton John to Jimmy Kimmel

Don’t Waste Your Wishes gathers up past outings like the new-wave bonbon “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” and the caffeinated duster “The Cowboy’s Christmas Ball”, assembling them in one convenient package. Included is this year’s treat, a new version of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”, featuring the spoken-word performance of 80-something Ned Humphrey Hansen, who taught Killers singer Brandon Flowers science in the fourth grade.

If you’ve had enough of Bing Crosby and Burl Ives and want something a little more, um, modern (not to mention twisted), your wish has been answered with tracks like “Dirt Sledding” and “Joel the Lump of Coal”. 

> Mike Usinger

Rascal Flatts — The Greatest Gift of All

I don’t get it. Why would the brain-dead hicks of Rascal Flatts sing “Deck the Halls” to the tune of “Surfer Girl”? If they wanted to record a Beach Boys Christmas song, why not just go with “Little Saint Nick”, or something else Brian Wilson actually wrote? On second thought, forget I asked.

Insight into the creative process of Gary LeVox, Jay DeMarcus, and Joe Don Rooney is probably akin to finding out how sausages are made. And The Greatest Gift of All is very much like a plate of sausages, 10 overstuffed tubes of mystery meat, glistening and greasy, and… I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I have a hatred of Rascal Flatts that verges on the irrational, a seething aversion that dates back to the Cars soundtrack, on which the trio managed to take “Life Is a Highway”—a song that is practically begging to be taken out behind the barn and put out of our collective misery—and make it even more trite and ham-fisted.

So the very existence of this album is almost enough to ruin the holidays for me.

> John Lucas

Susan Boyle — A Wonderful World

Susan Boyle shot to fame on Britain’s Got Talent not for her prodigious singing voice, but for being, frankly, unfortunate-looking.

Several thousand dollars later, Boyle’s miraculous makeover has landed her a staple role in “You’ll Never Guess What They Look Like Now” click-bait articles—and, more importantly, has given her a visage that (nearly) matches her smooth vocals.

Featuring an oddly charming duet on the classic “When I Fall in Love” with the long-dead Nat King Cole, and a soft, piano-scored rendition of Paul McCartney’s Scottish homage “Mull of Kintyre”, A Wonderful World is full of left-field choices that far outdo her clichéd 2013 offering, Home for Christmas.

> Kate Wilson

Sarah McLachlan — Wonderland

Joni Mitchell’s “River” and Gordon Lightfoot’s “Song for a Winter’s Night” are not Christmas songs. What they are is monumentally depressing.

Fortunately, Sarah McLachlan got those out of her system on 2006’s Wintersong. Her latest offering of soft-focus sugarplum visions is a much safer bet for those prone to crippling bouts of seasonal affective disorder or general sad-sackery.

On Wonderland, she lends her usual earthbound-angel cooing to “White Christmas”, “O Come All Ye Faithful”, and other predictable fare. In this case predictable is good, because those selections won’t make you want to crawl into the fireplace and roast yourself like a chestnut.

> John Lucas

Jennifer Nettles — To Celebrate Christmas

Rather than play things safe and treacly—which the suits in Nashville probably would have preferred—Jennifer Nettles turns “Go Tell It on the Mountain” into a distorted roadhouse raver and then sets up on the back porch for “Do You Hear What I Hear”.

Give the moonlighting Sugarland shitkicker added props for fleshing things out with numbers like “Circle of Love” and “Celebrate Me Home”, rather than the six-millionth rendition of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.

> Mike Usinger

Frankie Valli — ’Tis the Seasons

It’s uncanny how, at the age of 82, Frankie Valli still sort of sings like a teenage boy who’s waiting for his voice to change. The Four Seasons frontman doesn’t bust out that “Big Girls Don’t Cry” falsetto screech anymore, but that’s arguably a good thing.

If this semi-cleverly titled LP has one major failing, it’s that it is grossly overproduced. “Jingle Bell Rock” needs a wall of syrupy strings about as much as I need to immerse myself in a bathtub filled with melted candy canes.

If this had actually come in on CD I would have given it to Steve Newton, since the alleged Greatest Living Rock Guitarist adds some “tasty licks” to “Merry Christmas, Baby”.

> John Lucas

Lauren Daigle — Behold: A Christmas Collection

Through no fault of her own—blame her parents, record label, and the Southern Baptist church—Lauren Daigle finds herself filed under “contemporary Christian” in the iTunes store.

While that should technically make her about as much fun as Christmas cocktails with Ned Flanders, the Louisiana native sings with a smoky, retro-jazzy drawl that suggests, rightly or wrongly, she enjoys a good sidecar and the occasional Lucky Strike.

It doesn’t hurt that Behold has a mild Crescent City vibe that’s more French Quarter at 1 a.m. than Sunday worship session with Amy Grant. Yes, sometimes good things do come in squeaky-clean packages. 

> Mike Usinger

Natalie MacMaster and Donnell Leahy — A Celtic Family Christmas

You could argue about that title for hours; Natalie MacMaster and Donnell Leahy are indeed a Celtic family (of Scottish and Irish descent, respectively), and the married fiddlers here roast a variety of seasonal chestnuts.

Those prone to pick nits, however, might feel inclined to point out that many of the selections here (“What Child Is This?”, “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”, “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”) were actually written by bloody Englishmen!

The music itself is beyond fine, with all the sparkle and polish you would expect from these veteran performers, but ná bí ag iarraidh cluain an chacamais a chur orm!

> John Lucas

Various Artists — A Capitol Christmas

Christmas is all about traditions, whether it’s pouring Avalon Dairy eggnog on your Cap’n Crunch or watching It’s a Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve three sheets to the wind. And because it’s all about traditions, no one can argue that old-timers like Bing Crosby don’t do the season far more proud than the likes of Bon Jovi and the Vandals.

A Capitol Christmas mines 75 years of history at one of the world’s most famous record labels, with everyone’s favourite holiday drunk, Dean Martin, crooning his way through “Winter Wonderland” and Peggy Lee bundling up for “I Like a Sleighride”. Giants like Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra are well-represented, as are lesser lights such as Kay Starr and June Christy.

Christmas surprises, meanwhile, include the revelation that Jack Gleason was good for something other than constantly threatening to punch out his wife on The Honeymooners; a gifted musician and arranger, he goes as old-school as it gets on a retro-strings-drenched “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” and “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!”, both of which sound like a 1920s Christmas at the Hotel Vancouver. 

> Mike Usinger