Mike Usinger: Pierre McGuire isn’t worth the drinking game that makes an ass of him

by Mike Usinger on February 27th, 2010 at 3:35 PM

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We’ve spent over two weeks together in the same boat, so it’s only natural that it’s getting to the point where people are starting to get on each other’s nerves.

Raise your hand if a tiny part of you can’t wait for the Olympics to be over because, no matter how much fun you’ve had, you’ve finally seen a little too much of certain people. Like that guy in the stands at every hockey game with the ambulance light on his hockey helmet. Or the conspiracy theorist who keeps waving that giant “Investigate 9/11” banner in the background each night when Bill Good and Pamela Martin deliver the 11:15 news. Or Ben Mulroney, partly because he looks like Eddie Munster’s strangely perma-tanned prep-school cousin, and partly because he can somehow manage to turn something like a story on Japadog into a puff-piece about Brent Butt’s new series, Hiccups.”

Amazingly though, no matter how monumentally annoying all these fellows may be, they’ve got nothing on CTV’s Olympic hockey colour commentator Pierre McGuire. For the love of sweet baby Christ, would somebody please unplug the man’s mike. Or, failing that, at least pull him out of his ice-level spot between the two benches and stick him in the broadcast booth, where play-by-play man Gord Miller can give him the stink eye the next time he makes it clear that he has no idea when to shut the hell up.

The easily excited Caillou look-alike was in particularly egregious form during Friday’s semifinal game between Canada and Slovakia, blathering on about everything from what Martin Brodeur was saying to his teammates to the quality of the ice to the price of a large popcorn and diet soda at GM Placer. Err, Canada Hockey Place, or whatever the hell they are calling it. The verbal-diarrhea lowlights including him popping a chub over the “Adonises” on team Canada and referring to riot-dink Chris Pronger as “Christopher”.

And this wasn’t an isolated incident. His gum-flapping is so notorious, someone has actually invented a Pierre McGuire drinking game.

Honest to god—Google it. Highlights include...

Drink one gulp of your drink if Pierre uses any of the following:
* Big Body Presence
* Active Stick
* Calls a Player "Special" or " a fine young man"

Drink two gulps of your drink if Pierre:
* Giggles at any point during the game
* Cuts off Gord Miller
* Goes nuts when a team, has too many men

Have three gulps of your drink if Pierre...
* Mentions a Sutter brother who isn't involved in the game
* Says the Game is a Classic!
* Uses his famous line "He suckin' dirty pond water"

Chug a beer if Pierre:
* Has an Orgasm at the mike
* If Pierre ruins the moment, aka butchers the call.

Anyhow, you get the idea. Tomorrow is arguably the biggest day in Canadian hockey history. Please someone get McGuire to zip it so we can actually enjoy the game, rather than fantasize about getting up and kicking in the flatscreen.

Who would have ever thought we’d miss Greg Millen?

Comments

16 Comments

donforan

Feb 27, 2010 at 4:09pm

I think Pierre is doing a great job - he is a MONSTER...!

Travis Nicholson

Feb 27, 2010 at 5:04pm

You're actually complaining about hockey commentators during this 2-week vacation from Don Cherry's rants, excessive misguided patriotism and subtle, ambiguous racism? Hockey's never been more enjoyable and we have the TSN team to thank for that.

Pat

Feb 27, 2010 at 7:31pm

I prefer the TSN hockey crew to what we would normally be getting if CBC still had the Olympic rights. McGuire is not nearly as bad as the guy who wrote this article thinks, and he knows a lot more about hockey than either Ron McLean or Don Cherry. Cherry has no clue about what is going on outside Toronto and is only good for rants about how he thinks hockey should be played.

Garry Mason

Feb 27, 2010 at 7:48pm

I know who Pierre McGuire is , who the "H" is Mike USinger ??

Moe Sukoshi

Feb 27, 2010 at 9:22pm

Get over it, Mike. Pierre's awesome, and much better than anyone the even smarmier and oh-so sincere CBC could've given us for the games.

ooh, look at you with your own sparkling wit: "GM Place. Err.. "Canada Hockey Place" or whatever the hell they're calling it." Lame dude, especially when you're calling out people for being uncool.

And there's no 11:15 news. It's been on at 11:00 nightly (though 11:30 usually).

Rodger Dodger

Feb 27, 2010 at 10:15pm

The previous 4 posters, and a whole pile of others are the reason we get commentators that offer up the most painfully shitty commentary about nothing of importance. Most people have never played hockey beyond the level of outdoor rink shinny and pee wee B. Fans who know little to nothing about the complexities of the game don't require more than surface level commentary.

Unfortunately, this means fans who would rather eat their own shit than listen to these commentators - who, let's face it, detract from the overall viewing experience (this is me being my most diplomatic) - have no alternative other than to mute their TVs or practice breathing technique every time something pointless rips through the moment.

Finally, TSN/ CTV coverage of hockey, and the games in general is a cheap, exploitative, pale facsimile to the CBCs vastly superior, (relatively) non-partisan approach to covering international sporting events. I suppose it's what you get with the private broadcasting companies, held accountable to no one: glitz, energy, pizzazz... and utterly empty.

Ron Mclean for Governor General.

Roken

Feb 27, 2010 at 11:28pm

At least Pierre retired, "He's a monster!". I'm positive when he re-upped his contract TSN put a clause in there that he couldn't say it. "It's a double Dion!". Shut him up.

MK-KIDS

Feb 28, 2010 at 12:03am

Is it Pierre that goes on about "head on a swivel"? If yes, that should definitely be part of the drinking game... whoever says it says it a lot.

ApplePie and Mom

Feb 28, 2010 at 6:58am

Agreed. Does Pee-air need to fill every minute with an 'analysis'? I've seen the game of hockey before... shall I twitter you what I think of every play, second by second too? It's tedious.

Cut him off the red bull and vodka's I say. I'll be watching the game with the sound off and tunes of my choice.

Ditto for the boot licking Ron McLean. Please. What a shmarmy fellow.

Ditto to the cameraman focusing on the blob with the hockey helmet. That meme didn't quite work out for them. Fake, fake, fake, fake.

If I never hear the theme song by Nikki Yanofsky ever again, I will be much happier. Ugh. What pap. Leni Riefenstahl would be proud.