They are as much a part of the New Year's experience as the midnight lip lunge from the champagne-soaked guest next to you at the dinner table-and they can be equally unpleasant. Those bold, often hastily conceived promises we make after a half-dozen crantinis at year's end to abolish the booze, quit smoking, lose 20 pounds, or exercise every day but Sunday. Those promises that most of us abandon like yesterday's newspaper by February 1-as many as 70 percent of us, writes clinical psychologist Clayton E. Tucker-Ladd in his book covering a wide range of psychological issues, including motivation and self-control.

Keeping resolutions is tough enough as it is, but throw in the complex dynamics of a relationship and the odds against success can be much higher, says North Vancouver registered psychologist Lynda Grant, whose private practice includes couples counselling.

From her home office she told the Georgia Straight she is not surprised that most of us, partnered or not, fail to keep New Year's resolutions. "When we make New Year's resolutions, we are often resolving to give up something we enjoy or to acquire behaviours because they are good for us, not because they make us feel good," Grant said. Such changes require constant work, she added. "If you can maintain a changed behaviour for three months, it becomes a habit. But up until then, it really is a matter of daily effort."

On top of that, we often try to tackle too many resolutions at once, or we ring in the New Year without first saying goodbye to our inner critics. "We end up battling our internal voices," said Grant, "the ones that tell us if we slip up once, we've blown it."

We face an uphill battle all on our own, but if we are one half of a couple, that hill can quickly turn into a mountain. Imagine deciding to lose a few pounds by cutting out junk food, but your mate continues to stock the cupboards with your favourite sugary or high-fat snacks. Or you want to exercise more, but your couch-bound other half tempts you into spending your fitness time watching movies with him.

According to Grant, such scenarios are in part the result of our hard-wiring: "We are pack animals, after all. We don't like change, and there's a group dynamic that occurs when one member changes; the pack tries to pull them back into line."

More often than not, though, failed resolutions are the consequence of a lack of communication on the part of the resolution maker. "If you announce on New Year's Eve that you're going to do something that impacts the other person," Grant said, "you're not likely to get much cooperation. Your partner might say, 'Because you want to quit smoking, now I'm thrown out in the cold.' Yet if you'd discussed quitting with them and they had agreed to smoke outside, they might be okay with that."

Grant suggests people go over their resolutions with their partners well in advance of changing their behaviour-even a few days' notice can help-and that they talk in terms of how they can do it together. She also suggests writing down exactly what's expected from each side. That way, there's no confusion when things get tough later on.

And things will get tougher once the novelty has worn off and choosing a carrot over a cookie for the thousandth time is more than boring-it seems downright depressing. Lapses are inevitable, Grant insists, and good communication is key to getting through them. "Say your mate lights up a cigarette in the house when they've promised to smoke outside. You've quit smoking, so you're stressed and hypersensitive. Try not to attack, but if you do and it leads to a fight, don't leave it at that. Once you've both cooled off, sit down and figure out what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future."

Janine Timmons knows firsthand how crucial communication can be. From her North Vancouver condo, she told the Straight that she gave up cigarettes last New Year's after more than 30 years as a smoker. She and her partner, a nonsmoker, treated her resolution more like a joint endeavour, with plenty of discussion from both sides on what to expect.

"When you quit smoking, it's a physical, mental, and emotional journey," Timmons said. "You need a partner who understands that you might be very difficult at times. That's part of the reason I didn't even try to quit for a long time; I wasn't sure what kind of monster I would become. There were times when I'd just cry, and you need to feel safe enough around someone to just let it all out without feeling like you're being judged."

In certain instances, what appears to be unsupportive behaviour is more a reflection of somebody's upbringing than of how they feel about their partner. "Some people come from a family background where the norm is self-reliance; if you do something, you do it on your own. Their behaviour is not unloving; it's just what they grew up with," Grant explained.

In less positive relationships, obstructionist or unsupportive behaviour is rooted in a deeper problem. A husband might be concerned about his wife losing weight because he thinks she won't love him anymore, for example. Or underlying hostility turns the situation into one more opportunity to pay somebody back for prior hurts and wrongdoings. These couples, Grant said, likely need professional help because the roots of the problem go so deep that the behaviour is not even recognized as hostile.

As for Timmons and her partner, they survived last year's resolution, and 12 months later the household is still smoke-free. Although Timmons can't say for sure that she'd have quit without the support of her mate, one thing is clear, in addition to her lungs: success would have been a whole lot more difficult.