Talk about a blown opportunity. With Christina Aguilera gone all uptown with Back to Basics and Britney Spears poopin’ out babies like a trailer-trash version of Kelly Ripa, American pop music is looking for a good slut. The artist formerly known as child actor Stacy Ferguson hints that she’s up for the job on her solo debut, The Dutchess. When we last heard from her, she was singing the praises of her boobs, buns, and red snapper with the Black Eyed Peas hit “My Humps”. Besides making a nation of hip-hop fans ashamed that they ever strapped on a backpack, the song proved what Sarah Silverman has known for years: there’s nothing cuter than a chick who’ll talk proudly about her cooter.

The Dutchess bolsters the argument that Fergie is naughty by nature. Featuring such lines as “Sink into me/I feel so warm”, “Velvet” may be the most blatant ode to one’s box since Sheena Easton torpedoed her career 20 years back with “Sugar Walls”. “Fergalicious” finds her admitting that teenaged Willy Wankers “want my treasures so they can get their pleasures from my photos”, and “Here I Come” more or less spells everything out in the song’s title.

But nowhere does Fergie prove herself more of a cock tease than the video for “London Bridge”. As every one who’s ever participated in a rainbow party knows, a London bridge involves two girls and two guys. The dudes do the driving doggy-style while the chicks make out with each other. Urban myth? Well, maybe, maybe not, but that won’t stop Oprah—who blew the rainbow-party whistle a couple years back—from breaking this latest news to red-state America before the month’s out. Given that she’s singing about the kind of thing that Vivid Video features are made of, Fergie would have been forgiven for going for it in the song’s four-minute, TRL–targeted infomercial. Hell, if Jessica Simpson can turn Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’?” into soft-core porn for cretins at your local car wash, who would have complained about the Dutchess playing the role of Raven Riley with Jesse Jane, Peter North, and Lexington Steele?

But the video for “London Bridge” proves Fergie to be like phone-sex workers and Paris Hilton: all talk and no action. Cleverly referencing the much-sampled, Vietnamese suck-and-fuck specialist from Full Metal Jacket, the song has her proudly proclaiming “I’m Fergie Ferg and me love you long time”. You don’t have to be Stanley Kubrick to figure out what she’s getting at: yes, she so horny. And given that, on at least one occasion, she’s seemingly proved to be what Family Business’s Seymore Butts would call a squirter, who are we to accuse her of bullshitting?

Convincing fans that you truly are horny, however, takes some effort. In her landmark video for “Dirrty”, Aguilera realized that there’s no sense proclaiming yourself a ’ho (which Fergie Ferg also does in “London Bridge”) unless you’re prepared to show your fans the money (shot). The result was a video so deliciously filthy that Tina Fey once famously remarked, “I think it gave my TV genital warts.”

Don’t go looking for any sizzle in the clip for “London Bridge”. Evidently having missed out on the memo that the only halfway presentable person ever born in England is Kate Moss, Fergie shot the clip in the land of appalling dental hygiene and blue-blood inbreeding. Forget giving Middle America a diamond-cutter by depicting an honest-to-God London bridge, the sauciest she gets is having a Buckingham Palace guard halfheartedly attempt to slap her ass. And, no, the Ginger Spice–issue ginch-baring sequence on the banquet-hall table doesn’t count.

By talking the talk but refusing to walk the walk with “London Bridge”, Fergie leaves America still looking for a good pop-music slut. Where’s Madge—who knows something about sucking face with women and all things London—when we need her most?