Is this Bullying?

posted May 22nd, 2024 at 11:08 PM

Years ago, I had a supervisor at work who made my life hell. He eventually quit, but I dealt with him for years and continue to grapple with the trauma. I randomly experience feelings of rage bubble up because of all the times I had to bite my lip and suppress my anger when he provoked me. He'd been demoted from a previous position and was constantly terrified of getting fired. To save his job, he wanted me to perform as if I were superhuman or a machine. He followed me around all day and constantly breathed down my neck to work faster and complete more tasks. Unfortunately, quitting was not an option. The company has a carefully worded anti-bullying policy. Basically, managers can't use slurs, violence or any *obvious* forms of bullying. "Ensuring accountability" or “motivating” employees they'd say, is not bullying. The insidious thing about my supervisor was that he figured out how to bully people in a way that didn't appear to violate the policy. He repeatedly used tone and body language by speaking to me like an angry, belligerent drill Sergeant. He'd slam things and take “digs” at me that were insulting but without slurs. He’d gaslight me by telling me to do something while I was already doing it as if that would make me do it faster. On top of the constant nagging, needling and pressure to do more, he'd constantly criticize and complain about every little thing while making me take responsibility for his mistakes. I often started my day listening to a list of complaints and then working without any breaks all day to finish everything so that I wouldn’t get berated. One day, he was speaking to me in such an indescribably rude and demeaning manner that I finally lost it and cussed him out. The senior managers suspended me. I didn't bother to explain the pattern of bullying because I thought their reaction would be, "wait, so he's been driving you as hard as possible on behalf of the company? Haha, that's awesome, keep it up!” I’m still haunted over whether I should've spoken up or not. At the time, I thought that his behavior would be considered laudable, so I quietly accepted my suspension. So tell me, should I have reported him? Is the behavior I’m describing bullying or was I just an unlucky worker with a demanding boss?

14 Comments

Rumination

May 23, 2024 at 9:58am

Asking about what you should have done years ago is not helping your trauma. You need to let this go.

@op

May 23, 2024 at 1:54pm

There are a plethora of horrible bosses out there. Men and women who are manipulative, angry nightmares who skate close to the edge of bullying or bulldoze right over the edge. Just reading this post is making my nervous system go a little haywire. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually go through this day after day. As to whether you should've spoken up, if you're still wondering now if you should've spoken up then, I'd say you've answered your own question. Yes.

Definitely bullying

May 23, 2024 at 4:57pm

I don’t know how long ago this happened to you, but if it wasn’t too long you might have a case against this company for harassment. That was absolutely bullying behaviour and if you quit or were fired because of it, you could have sued them. Of course you should have spoken up when it was happening, but I understand that doing that is very difficult for some people to do. At this point you sound like you have PTSD, and you should try to get some help for that at the very least.

Where was this?

May 23, 2024 at 7:05pm

One of the big UB* universities? It is hell over there right now. Giant capital project from hell. Sounds familiar.

Talk to someone

May 24, 2024 at 1:13am

Yes, it is. And it sounds like you might benefit from talking to a therapist to help process the experience and your feelings of anger.

Definitely

May 24, 2024 at 1:20am

Definitely. Slurs are discrimination under the Human Rights Code and grounds for an HRAT complaint.
Violence is criminal (assault). It sounds like their policy on bullying wasn't actually addressing bullying.
Don't Beat yourself up too much though. I reported a boss for bullying and Worksafe did nothing except make the boss write a policy since he didn't have one. Worksafe has no teeth. I was getting bullied hard and there was no punishment for that boss. However I knew he had a shell company and was evading taxes so I reported him to the CRA instead. He was audited and had to take time preparing all of his fake paperwork for the audit. That was time he couldn't spend running his company. Then he had to pay all of the fines. I felt so good doing that.

I hope you can take solace knowing that you did what you had to do to survive the situation. I've had to get counselling to deal with mine. If you find that you're thinking about it too much, talk to a doctor. There are some free things like Bounce Back (CMHA program) and CBT Skills program that are MSP funded if you don't have funds for private pay.

Yes

May 24, 2024 at 6:16pm

This supervisor continues to gaslight you, as you’re not even sure now that this treatment was wrong.

There should NEVER be berating at work. It doesn’t sound like you were not delivering on your end.

You could consult an employment lawyer, especially if you still have some proof ie emails documenting your punitive treatment.

By staying silent, you allowed the situation to continue. I understand quitting was not an option for you. But no one is ever going to advocate for you. Only YOU will defend your best interests.

I worked with a jerk boss once. I never said Sorry for anything, as I never did anything wrong. The best thing to do was quit. They’re not going to change. And there are other jobs out there.