The most prevalent theme for me this past year: Love or Death. But death seems to be winning out for it's realistic and appealing quality. I don't see it as negative. The prospect of finding, acquiring, keeping, and nurturing love not just for another person but also myself? Daunting. 0+

I confess that I haven’t blocked their number because I’m waiting to see if they ever send me something real. So far it’s just a lot of casual nonsense stuff so there’s nothing for me to say. I know the chances are slim that they will finally get it, but I’d hate to block them only to find out later that they sent something I’d really want to hear.

I had a variation on my recurring dreams last night. I think of them as familiar places that have unexpectedly changed dreams. Often, the dreams are almost identical, sometimes, only the situation is similar. I am most often on my bicycle, but sometimes on foot, and very seldom by car. I start off riding in a safe area which I know well, and that I clearly recognize. Then, I make the same wrong turn, or a similar wrong turn, or the road has changed, and I end up in known area that I know to be dangerous, like very dangerous neighbourhoods in New York City, where I grew up. Sometimes, I am only at one of the confusing three-way intersections in a place like Victoria and always seem to pick the wrong way. Sometimes the wrong way leads me to a longer wronger way, although I had a feeling I was on the right road or direction. Last night, I went through what seemed to be an empty/vacant house and came across a young mother lying in bed with two boys so close in age that they might have been twins, but were not twins. She was not nursing them, but they were laying on her chest and she was holding them and the boys were sleeping. They all had black hair. The woman was not undressed, but was wearing a loosely fitted but not revealing white blouse. Then I thought I found the right way but there had been construction and I could not proceed and I was unsure whether it had actually been the right way. I never have any bicycle problems in the dream. It is always daytime, although sometimes close to the end of the day. I never find my way home. I don’t wake terrified, but unsettled.

I remember this girl who I went to college with some years ago. We had fun times together and worked on a lot of cool group projects. Whenever we didn’t have to do any homework, we’d meet up for dim sum at authentic Chinese restaurant near North Burnaby. By the time grad came around, we both drifted. Nothing happened or anything. We just lost touch. If only there was a way I could locate her and reconnect. Back in the day, she told me she didn’t have social media. So I wonder if it’s still possible to reestablish connection.Haven’t forgotten our dream team.

By sex I’m a Woman, but I’m gender queer. This isn’t a thing I really talk about but it’s what I am. I don’t identify with gender culture and am coming to terms with my gender queerness. While I don’t identify with the culture I am still incredibly impressed and in awe and proud of this body that carries me- this body of a Woman. I am a Woman by body and I shirk off any obligation to comply with a prescribed way of being a Woman (ie gender culture). Changing surveys and forms to ask from Gender instead of Sex was a step sideways not forward. Asking a pronoun instead of wither sex or gender would make some sense. That’s asking specifically how you wish to be addressed. Being asked Gender in these forms feels super invasive and in many cases is forcing some folks to out themselves in situations.

I was scrolling through my camera roll of an old phone from 5 years ago and I found a photo I had taken of someone's dildo that had been dropped on the bus. I've since transferred the photo to more permanent storage. People would never believe the things I find on transit.

So there’s this guy that I used to chat with a while back. He lives in the United States. I couldn’t relate to him since he basically didn’t want to grow up. His entire life revolved around watching children’s entertainment, day in and day out. Never watched any adult shows like a sitcom, a soap opera or even the news. He once said to me how watching kid’s shows have corrupted his life in many ways and has made him want to be a kid forever. No, I don’t think watching children’s entertainment makes him want to be a kid forever. He knows it’s not for his age, but he’s in denial. It seems to me more like he has Peter Pan syndrome. And if that is the case, it’s something he’s going to have to eventually move on from because life only gets tougher as you get older. It’s all a part of growing up.