I tried, I really tried, but sitting through an evening had become unbearable. After a couple years, dread would fill the day leading up to the dinner and I would search for a reason to cancel. The last time we had dinner I spoke up and challenged one of his opinions. He became insistent that I understand his point, but I would not. Finally I just said we will have to agree to not agree. For me it was a debate, nothing personal. We are adults and I don't need you to agree or disagree with me. The next thing I know he gets furious, stands up and storms out right before dinner is served. He left his GF there, my BF had been in the kitchen cooking (all afternoon) and came out asking what happened. Should we chase him? Call him? He went home. We had our awkward dinner and discussed it a bit. The next day it was on everyone's mind so I decided to text him and say "hey, let’s move on." I did not want to, but for the sake of my BF I felt bad and wanted to at least try to smooth things over. He responded with a scathing verbal assault. He said I had accused him of being a bigot, put words in his mouth and a few other things that were untrue. I was SHOCKED. I was physically shaking. It was like being punched in the gut. I had offered an olive branch and he took that branch and rammed it down my throat. That was it. I was done. Unfortunately he comes for Christmas dinner every year. My BF and I talked about it a little, he talked to him and we finally had to address it this weekend. It was the elephant in the room. I was not going to get in the middle of the friendship Christmas dinner, that part I honestly did not mind. They only see each other a couple times a year and as long as it did not include me, I was ok. We came up with an alternative plan. We discussed, we knew it would be hard. It felt OK, and afterwards we knew it needed more time and discussion. I told him that I will not ever spend another second of my life with that person. Ever. I felt he owed his GF an apology. (She said it is fine) and my BF an apology (He said it is fine and really wants to move on) and I couldn't give two shits if he gave me one. The lingering feeling unfortunately is that my BF and his GF seem to be treating his behavior and actions with more understanding. There seems to be much less understanding for the stand I have taken which is, I offered an olive branch, he hit me with it so I am done. I am don't go back for seconds. So I ask you confession readers, what do you think?

I've been having bouts of being intensely suicidal lately, but I don't really have people in my life who I can say that to without making things worse. I can usually survive this okay by focusing on other areas of my life, but now it's all bleak everywhere, so I don't know where to turn. I've been in therapy for a year plus but can't afford to go anymore right now. More than half of my salary goes to debt payments for the education I got for the job that is fueling my depression. I have no connections whatsoever to go get a different job, and my field is 100% nepotism based, I've learned. When I stared this job, they were going to help me finish my thesis, as I got massively ill and had to withdraw at the very end, but that quickly turned into threatening to can me if I made them follow through. So I have all the coursework but not the actual degree until I finish the thesis, which I can't do until I have $2k in tuition and a couple of weeks to finish writing (it's half done). My ex of five years broke up with me in the fall, and if the guy I wasn't seeing hadn't invited me to move in rent free (!!), I'd be on the streets. But as a result, I'm always feeling super insecure about whether I'm taking up too much space or if he wants me around. I was supposed to get a contract renewal at work last month. Then last week. Then today. As it is, I can't seem to get even a scrap of info if I beg. It's been almost three years. The really treat me like crap and I should leave, but I don't have options. After student loans, car/gas/insurance (required for job), and storage locker, I have about $100 a month. My family has no wherewithal to be able to help me, and in fact is generally so dire that my inability to help them is yet another major source of depression. So, here I am, typing to strangers to try to find it in me to not drive into oncoming traffic on the way home, not drive through the bridge railing, not sit in my car and quietly take every pill in my purse. Better yet if I could find it in me to not have film reels of images of me doing those things running through my mind on endless replay.

I secretly want to punch the people who wear excessive perfume in the cologne right in the face. Not only do you stink, you also create horrible side effects for those around. Thanks for ruining my day so you can “smell better”. Have some consideration for others.

Every year that I don't celebrate Xmas, it loses its significance and associations to me, as well as the guilt of not celbrating like everyone else.

Everyday on the bus/skytrain I hear people whispering excuse me and sorry.Why whisper it?How can anyone hear you when you say those words so quietly?

A while back, I wrote down everything I knew about envy. I didn't want to finish until I'd explored every angle—every way I'd let my life be damaged by it. How I'd sold out without even knowing it. Then, a single word, Orpheus. I don't think I'm done yet. I think I need to make that descent again.

What kind of business never contacts their clients when claims are refused based on their specific criteria? To tie up a poor Senior citizen's food and shelter money because the doctor's letter had all the details, but didn't specify left or right limb is appalling!

I think it is forgotten that people sometimes eat while watching tv, and don't want to see ads about bathroom odors, bladder leaks, orgasms, etc.

Why do young people throw away their vote with uninhibited idealism? ... I once did, and now I totally regret it!

Walking home in the rain, having just dropped the kids off for an afternoon visit with their dad, carrying groceries heavy like how I feel, I saw Harry. Harry is a man in his 80s who lives nearby. I see him often in the neighbourhood, and--even better--at karaoke. To be honest he kind of gave me the creeps a tiny bit when I first met him. But then one night at karaoke he told me with misty eyes that I reminded him of his mother. That (cautiously) changed things for me. Harry is inspiring! He comes to karaoke by himself and sometimes even has his walker supporting him as he makes his way up for his turn. He always sings "On the Street Where You Live" from My Fair Lady. He sings it so strongly and beautifully it always pulls at my heart a little bit. Today when I saw him on the street I said "Hi Harry", and then his face lit up as he recognized me. I had just been in that on-the-verge-of-tears-in-public moment but I tried to perk up. He said "How are you?", I said "Oh, I'm ok...how are you?" Harry replied with a tough smile and strong voice: "Terrible!!" "Ha!", I said, "Me too!" I felt a little bit better. I even laughed! That man's honesty perked me right up. Sometimes we just feel terrible and we might as well say it. Throw it right out there into the rain!