I will never again judge anyone who finds themselves in a difficult or abusive relationship. I'm going through one. I am surviving. Innately, I just want to be well, and to be loved. I understand now what it's like to play it safe for the sake of being okay for a little while. But at some point, I need to get creative, stop making excuses, and make the goddamn decision to leave and follow through on what I want. Abuse very slowly shakes your foundations, it turns you into a shell. I want to be me again. Now I understand.

Today I was asked directions from somebody trying to find a jobsite. They were 10 blocks away from where they were trying to get to. I explained that they would have to go south 10 blocks but they just fixated on the house numbers on the wrong street. They said "I was already there" and chose to walk in the opposite direction. I've worked with people like this too, and if you are going to ask me for help, don't make yourself look like a fool by doing the exact opposite and act like I'm the fool! I actually know what I'm talking about sometimes. What a waste of time. Headshake. On the subject, though, I was in Boston one time asking for directions and I think the locals give you wrong ones on purpose.

I don't really like going out to eat. I prefer to eat at home. The money is a factor, but even if I could afford it I don't think I would want to go out for dinner or brunch or anything. I just don't like the whole process, being next to strangers and hearing each other's conversations, having to talk to the server, waiting, the music, the chairs, the lighting, not knowing where the bathroom is, figuring out the bill. I just don't really like anything about the process. I guess this might make me sound pretty lame and boring. Maybe I am. But I still prefer to eat at my apartment.

Screw every cyclist in this city that doesn't wear a helmet, blows through stop signs and ignores roundabouts. Buddy, you were so close to getting smoked today and you didn't even realize it. Giving all the good cyclists a bad name. Bring on the car hate, fuckers. I don't see nearly as much bad driving in a day as I do with cycling.

One by one, by friends keep popping out babies, and I keep unfollowing them on facebook.

My confession is that when I moved back to Vancouver in the early nineties after a brief 5 years spent in Alberta there was a strong community in the downtown eastside reflected in their many publications and community groups. All that I really had to do in the downtown eastside was make a phonecall and I got access to help that I badly needed or I was referred to the help I needed. People followed up on me and made sure I was alright long after I left that community having found a subsidized home. In those days you had to be persistent and drug and alcohol free but if you were all of those you had a good chance of getting the housing for your family. I am not sure where things are now for the current resident of the DTES because my disabilities have prevented me from coming back to that community but there was so much good in that area you could feel it just as much as the danger or risk you could feel just by walking into certain environments. When you spend time in certain areas of the city there is a certain mood or vibe I guess but also the downtown eastside had so much variety and history... while concerned for the residents who are left and who remain committed to living here, Vancouver needs to totally change the area to respect the history and preserve the value of this much maligned area hope it can happen

Sometimes the bus service in this city almost makes me cry

To a certain extent, I get it. I get that you weren't ready for a relationship, or that you didn't realize what you wanted or needed. But you were so sweet, so kind, such a good friend, and when I registered that you liked me (in that way) I was elated, because the chemistry was on point and we had such a great time together. One night together, though, and it feels like you got me out of your system. I think the part that stings the most is that we both thought this would be a relationship, and you haven't admitted to me that you changed your mind, despite the fact that I've made it so clear that I want to spend time with you. I really expected our friendship to mean I got slightly better treatment.

...Commercial Dr. & Adanac St. along with the lights at Dunsmuir St. & Citadel Parade change way too quickly! I just mean that more time should be allotted to the busier street but it doesn't seem that way at those 2 intersections.

So I had this crush, but then some feelings ambiguity started messing with me, and if it wasn't messing with her, it was messing me into messing with her. I found out my fight or flight response this year!: It's hyper-rationalization. And, wow is it strong. I'm into some powerful books, so let's just say I have a variety of different inspiration to rationalize with, and self-forgive. And when faced with a scary enough thing, you wouldn't want to know what kind of behaviour I can rationalize my way into doing. Anyhow, somewhere along the way, I couldn't tell how things were playing out with my crush. I made a decision 10 whole months ago to sabotage the plane because I thought it would be the safest thing to do and was losing faith in my previous shot-calling. If indeed I was the one between the both that could handle pressure better, I reasoned a ""controlled"" crash would be best at the time: since our lives seemed to be in a strange parallel anyway- with some mutual anxiety involved. I literally chose that way long ago as the best course of action and it took forever, to kill the anxiety. This is why you should never try and date philosophy guys. But honestly, it's also a good reminder for me to listen to certain instincts, chill, and not trust too many "rational" choices made under duress.