Canada's Defence Minister meets with Deadpool 2's Ryan Reynolds to discuss secret national defence program

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      On August 21, Canadian Defense Minister Harjit Sajjan arranged a meeting with Canadian star Ryan Reynolds in Vancouver on the set of Deadpool 2.

      On Facebook, Sajjan posted an image of himself with Reynolds, stating that "Thanks to productions like Deadpool 1 + 2, Vancouver is the third largest film and TV production centre in North America. BC's world class film and TV studios support 42,000 jobs for British Columbians and investments of over $2 billion per year in our economy."

      However, according to unnamed and unreliable sources, the meeting was more than simply a meet-and-greet, as neurotic conspiracy theorists opined that this publicity opportunity was merely a cover-up for Sajjan's secret attempt to discuss forthcoming, architectural plans to implement a covert new national defence strategy with Reynolds.

      The Vancouver South MP was thought to have chosen to consult with Reynolds about the program as Reynolds is reputed to have been cast in the role of Deadpool due to his real-life accelerated healing abilities, impeccable marksmanship, ambiguous sexual orientation, Tourette-style speech patterns, magical green ring, and willingness to expose various body parts.

      Under pressure, Ryan Reynolds has been known to crack, as this image reveals.

      The proposed program will involve training average citizens in the Canadian art of spitting cherry pits at hordes of invading Americans, including neo-Nazis, Ku Klux Klanners, White Lives Matter members, and Ann Coulter.

      Sajjan is a skilled expert in this little-known Canadian pastime—second only to hockey—and he deftly demonstrated his jaw-dropping skill during a July visit to Osoyoos.  

      According to the plan, when alerted through an online and town-alarm notification system, hordes of irate Canadians will be deployed to spit cherry pits with deadly accuracy while yelling nonsensical, foul-mouthed slogans commencing with the pointless Canadian phrase "Sorry, but...".

      Exposure of inappropriate body parts will be left up to the discretion of individuals, contingent upon their comfort level, how often they frequent Wreck Beach, and whether or not they participated in the local version of the World Naked Bike Ride without a bicycle seat.

      Masses of Vancouverites reportedly turned up at Vancouver City Hall on August 19 though their reason for doing so has yet to be determined.
      Amanda Siebert

      On August 19, masses of Vancouverites were heard to have ostensibly assembled at Vancouver City Hall to attend the inaugural cherry-pit initiation and training session. Unfortunately, it was soon revealed that the wrong date had been posted on the Facebook event webpage. Consequently, the event was apparently transformed into antiracism counterprotest event just for the fun of it.

      The cherry-spitting system will replace Canada's missile defence program as a more cost-effective measure, saving the country billions of dollars which can be reallocated to pressing issues such as providing education funding for alt-right Vancouverites who went blind on August 21 after looking up at the sky to see what everyone was staring at.

      Actor Ryan Reynolds posed nude on a rug before a fireplace in this photo while wearing the Deadpool suit.

      In other related news, British Columbians continue to burn down their own province for no apparent reason.