Secretly so resentful

posted May 11th, 2020 at 1:22 PM

Yesterday was mother’s day and I know that I am not the only person with toxic parents. But yesterday was rough. Growing up my mother and her partner were extremely abusive to several children in the house hold (emotionally and physically). Like really bad. When I was 12, I had them both charged with assault, my mother lost her career, and I eventually went into foster care. My mother is poor, could not financially support my post-secondary education in any sort of capacity, and is essentially just a hot mess who struggles with a ton of mental health. I’m in my 30s now, and I’m still so resentful because I actually feel like she’s one of those people who had kids, was a total shit parent, and shouldn’t have had kids. But she’s getting old and sick now, so I called her yesterday because the guilt kicked in. I kept it short, didn’t say much and got off the phone after about 20-25 minutes. I know I should go to therapy, but I know it’s going to be years and years and thousands of dollars to unpack everything. Therapy that is going to come out of my own pocket. So happy mother’s day Mom, thanks for all the trauma.

14 Comments

Ungrateful children

May 11, 2020 at 2:03pm

Like you said, go to therapy and learn how to be happy with yourself. It starts with forgiving your mother. You know, she could have aborted you instead whatever happened to you along the way. Who knows, maybe she regrets your life too.

Anonymous

May 11, 2020 at 2:59pm

No one had or has the perfect beaver cleaver family.
We all wanted one, but it never seems to happen.
Love yourself thats all you can really do now. And try to love others !
Sad World out there.
Peace.

@OP

May 11, 2020 at 3:23pm

Similar, abusive mom and older sisters, dad drinking to escape the pain. Ran away at 14,across the country,and somehow didn't get into drugs or alcohol. Haven't spoken to them since,and eventually made something of myself, but still have a lot of issues- I've never had a GF and in general avoid women at all costs.
The last I heard was from a very distant relation,that I bumped into a few years ago... is that my dad died years ago, and those three are all living together on welfare and barely making it.

I am google-able,and I assume they've looked up my good life, but they can rot for all I care.

@ungrateful

May 11, 2020 at 4:40pm

Are you kidding? Anyone who had a parent as awful as the Op describes has every right in the world to be resentful!

Op, ignore such a ridiculous comment. I feel terrible for anyone who had to endure such a difficult childhood. Definitely you should try to find a therapist to help you come to terms with what happened to you as a child. Whether you try to forgive your mother or not is entirely up to you. The goal is for you to get the healing that you need.

Awful advice above

May 11, 2020 at 4:45pm

@ungrateful children ...If you are not a troll, I feel nothing but pity for you. What an awful life to think that way. What an awful life to be a miserable internet troll as well if that is the truth.

For the OP...therapy is not always about how to make amends with the people that mess us up. Therapy is about how you can live a happy and full life, not feeling chained down by your past experiences. You can't remove what's happened to you but you can build a life where you won't continue living with the resentment and behaviours that can be carried from previous trauma. It takes a lot of strength to want to face those things. Practice empathy towards yourself. Therapy is about self care and about loving yourself enough to want to make your life healthy regardless of who has done what to you. That is an investment that pays beyond what you might see in front of you. It doesn't have to be about digging up the past. It can be about how to handle situations that are in the present. Like calls on mothers day.

@ungrateful children

May 11, 2020 at 5:32pm

One who obviously has not had a horrible childhood because of their mentally ill mother. Op, you are not the only one and I feel the guilt too.

We are all members of an immature society

May 11, 2020 at 8:56pm

upon this planet at this time, trying to rise above 'Law of the Jungle.' Every family has some degree of dysfunction. Each one of us need be the change to break the inter-generational traumas. Love & forgiveness is the only way ...................................... "If we carry intergenerational trauma, and we do, then we also carry intergenerational wisdom. Its in our genes and our DNA." - Kazu Haha

Anonymous

May 12, 2020 at 2:40am

Some people aren't qualified to have children. It's the hard truth. They're so ill-equipped for it, they don't even have the self-awareness to ask themselves if they should have children. They just pump one out without thinking of the future. Sadly, there's nothing to be done about it. It's not like you can force people to apply for a licence to have a child.

I find it...

May 12, 2020 at 5:55am

... sort of in bad taste to complain about your parents when they were "so abusive" that you developed into an independent human being who lives on his or her own.

My mom is abusive, and I've never left home. All I get told is how stupid I am. There is low-grade physical abuse---probably, if I were being beaten black and blue, I might have left.

My brother died in his mid 20s after being neglected and abused similarly, I am for whatever reason able to deal with it.

Hear you

May 12, 2020 at 8:50am

SO many OP, like yourself, most likely had it much worse than I did. My was mind games, neglect, manipulation. But its hard to get past it and I am also super resentful. I wish people who don't actually want kids, or have the $ or mental ability would just STOP having them.