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Carin' Intensifies

After giving birth I've found my feelings of victim-hood grow proportionally to how short I cut my hair.

My friend is at risk.

They work in a very dangerous profession and it's making them money sure whatever Yah! But it is also darker type work. Now it's coming back to me that family is also encouraging this to which I find shocking. I worry I've decided recently to cut them from my life (not the job at all) because I rarely to never see them anymore and when I do they are usually very hostile to me. projecting a ton of flaws that are theirs to wear not upon me and frankly I am finally just finished still love them just can not watch this out of control train anymore.

Insomnia

Well, I got it. 3 weeks now I can’t sleep at night.

In the Before Days

Long time ago, in my 20s me and the guy that I was dating went to Mexico. We ended meeting a very nice middle aged couple from Texas, who were there to do some diving and spearfishing. They invited us on their yacht trip to just tag along; we could snorkel while they dove. They hired 3 Mexicans and this yacht and we all had an amazing day in the hot sun, in waters that were Scope blue. The Texans brought their catch back in the boat and the 3 guys grilled the fish which we all ate. The Texans were so generous and kind and hilarious and they wanted nothing from us but our company. They just had huge grins which I can still see. I don’t know why this memory surfaces at this time but the travelling, the serendipity, the friendliness, big heartedness and acceptance with no strings attached whatsoever appears like explosive colour in my mind during my very monotone grey days which are filled with doomscrolling and news riddled with hate and confrontation.

Story of my Life

The minute I dump ‘em they get their shit together. Glad I could be of service. For once it would be nice if they could just not lose the best thing they’ve got. When will you people learn? Oh and if you had to “think” about whether this person was the love of your life, they probably weren’t.

Oh Dear

Obviously, this can never go anywhere but this little crush I developed on a doctor who treated me (not my regular doctor) is a bit bigger than initially thought. Ah well. I'll get over it. Hopefully.

Contemplating

Maybe it's today's weather, the bland cloudy white grayness. I reflected on the past and I don't feel anything, good or bad. It's like when you stop being a kid and outgrow your teddy bear. Whatever I fought for is a dim memory, and was, I guess, the perfect distraction to get me comfortable with growing old single. I'd like to say that I'm fine with me, or that I'm enough. That I give me what someone never could or better, actually. That I feel free of the responsibility of another. That I don't have to compromise, or miss out. With covid19, there's nothing to do, nowhere to go and nobody to interact with, so no FOMO. No drama, no disappointment, no broken promises, no failed expectations, no false hopes, no mind games, no having to try, no negotiating, no explaining, no waiting. The thing I tried so hard to have for so long wasn't rewarding to me. Or joyful. Or fun. It took from me and gave nothing back. It left me empty handed. It broke my heart and left me alone to grieve. I cried for what I could have back then, realizing my feelings never mattered anyway. Funny how I thought about it today. I imagine those thoughts are mine alone, as usual.

Silent nights

I did the "right" things in life... marriage, kids, job, house... made my parents happy doing what was expected and living life the same way my friends do, fitting in. And I am so unhappy. Just as I made financial commitments to that life I met someone who made me question everything. I felt alive but I pushed it away. It kept coming back and I fell in love only to have it fall apart. I tried to control everything and it broke. I fake happiness well, nobody knows but I go to sleep thinking I made the wrong choice and wish I did everything differently. I can't seem to be able to really let go.

Adult male dressing goth

But I think people are mistaking me for preppy because I have black pants on all the time..... and everyone wears shades of grey in Vancouver during the winter anyways... so... I have to start wearing mascara and eye-shadow again to make them understand.

Lust Not a Valid Excuse

Most people have that traumatic event they can blame their misfortunes on. Abusive childhoods, crazy ex-spouses, addictions, whatever. Something major. I don't have anything like that. I just saw a pair of long olive legs and something primal said I gotta have that, and the person attached to the legs said NO, and I've been reeling from it for about a decade. But it's not really the kind of pain origin story you can socially unload on people without being ridiculed.

I SAW YOU

You stopped to pet my white bulldog in...

You stopped to pet my white bulldog, and told me about the white bulldog you used to have <3...

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