Now all you fine folks of Vancouver, listen up and listen good. Given that we’re currently facing capital-P Prohibition in this, the Year of Our Lord 1920, we know that there are plenty of good-for-nothing ne’er-do-wells around the city who are looking to get bent, blotto, tight, zozzled, and perhaps even spifflicated.

It’s downright diabolical, and we cannot in good conscience (or lawfully, for that matter) point anyone in any direction that would lead to any of that godforsaken giggle water.

What we can do, however, is offer up a list of things to look for as you set out to distract yourself from your hankering for hooch.

Just don’t go spreading the word to every goon on Granville, y’hear?

Zottenburg & Sons Accounting

If you’re looking to take care of some precarious paperwork, 2305 Main Street is the place to be. It’s a great spot to pull up with the whole posse or just your main squeeze for an evening of sound financial advice, as Zottenburg & Sons are incredibly accommodating hosts. Don’t go hanging around in the office’s waiting room; give that door at the end of the hall a proper knock-knock-knocking and you’ll be welcomed into an incredibly intimate interior. A word of advice: be sure to have your keys handy.

BLND TGER Dumplings

There’s nothing that takes the edge off those conniving cravings for crooked cocktails quite like a devilishly delicious dumpling, and you’ll find them aplenty at BLND TGER Dumplings at 251 East Georgia Street. Ordering #7 will include a guided tour of the establishment that is well worth the trip and the tip, if you rightly catch our drift.

The Narrow

Not exactly an establishment, per se, but a delectable spot to (definitely dryly) debauch to your heart’s content. Look for a graffitied wall with a single red light glowing over an unmarked door down a—pay attention, now—narrow staircase. Whether or not you decide to descend those steps at 1898 Main Street and find what’s waiting for you down below is entirely none of our business.

Happy Valley Turf Club

Replace one illegal vice with another completely, totally, respectably legal one by heading out to Happy Valley Turf Club at 518 Main Street to bet on some horses. The club’s bookies are going for broke and you’d better believe that putting down some cold hard cash on the one, the only, the miraculous King Louie is your best bet for a beatific kind of evening.

Hundy Burger & Fries

Head to Hundy Burger & Fries at 1144 Homer Street if you’re feeling peckish for anything from fried fowl to classic burgers that are simply the bee’s knees. This joint is the go-to Yaletown spot for all sorts of fiendish delights—just ensure you don’t go making the mistake of walking through the arched doorway off to the side. Taking that route would surely spell all sorts of diabolical dealings.

Barber and Co

Barber and Co at 1120 Hamilton Street is the place to go if you’re looking to get the most modern hairdo or slick shave. Your best bet is to head over to this particular place just after 10 pm on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, though fair warning: you just might hear some ruckus coming from down a certain stairwell. Now we don’t know what kind of people, performances, or (gasp!) parties may be causing such a raucous racket, but we’d recommend just sticking to a good, clean, proper haircut, please and thank you.