News for Youse: Who are we to say Fran Drescher wasn't abducted by aliens?

As one of your few reliable news sources, we here at News for Youse took the time to painstakingly search through at least one and a half pages of Google results to trace the source of this story.

But there is no source. So, the tale of Fran Drescher’s abduction by aliens apparently arrived in an unfully formed and maddeningly vague condition on HuffPo on Friday, where the poor thing was left to fend for itself against a million lame-ass jokes about that “Nyeeeeeeehhhhhh” sound Drescher makes every time she opens her mouth.

And yet there it is: a statement to the effect that Drescher was kidnapped and given an implant when she was a kid, nyuk nyuk nyuk. In the same article, her gay porno-themed ex-husband, Peter Marc Jacobson, disputes Drescher’s explanation for what she claims is a small implant scar on her hand, claiming it came from a drill bit or a hot cup of coffee.

But Drescher has an answer for that. "I said to him, that's what the aliens programmed us to think… But really, that's where the chip is,” she said. Followed by, “Nyeeeeeeehhhhhh!”

Still, even though we never really cared for her outside of her role in American Hot Wax and that excellent cameo she did in Spinal Tap, Drescher has the sympathy and support of News for Youse. As does anybody who’s had their brains scrambled by inexplicable and profoundly terrifying border experiences and/or evil military experiments, either one of which would be a serious douche.

It’d be nice if Drescher had that implant examined, mind you, something she could probably do using this amazing iPhone accessory. The iBaby is a portable ultrasound device developed by Philips for that plum constituency of new parents who are totally unqualified to interpret the results of their in utero baby snaps.

Since pregnancy isn’t already worrying enough without the added panic over why your unborn child looks like Billy Barty in Nephilim make-up, News for Youse declares that this is an idea whose time has come. We’re also certain that obsessive home ultrasounding is perfectly safe.

In other whiz-bang news, a cheap and portable DNA sequencer had delegates at the Davos Global Economic Forum losing their shit. The device, compared to a Star Trek tricorder by the nerdier journalists out there, could very well revolutionize healthcare—a chilling possibility that attendees at Davos immediately set about to destroy as swiftly and brutally as possible.

Coming from the same general direction is this story from Forbes concerning the murder of a factory boss by workers in India. “India Factory Workers Revolt, Kill Company President,” screams the headline, although Forbes employs a significantly quieter tone when it explains that the event followed the killing of a union leader by “baton-wielding riot police” called in to “quell” a labour dispute at the Regency Ceramics factory.

Bosses “quell”, workers “kill”—cheers for the clarification, Forbes.