Times have changed

posted April 18th, 2019 at 7:36 PM

I have been thinking about this for a long time, and at this point I am quite certain that my experience is both rare and common amongst many other dysfunctional families. I do not know how to explain this properly but the worst and most distressing times that my family went through also brought us closer together. My father had a car accident and it almost killed him but miraculously he survived it with only partial injuries and it took him a long time for recovery, and this time was the most stressful time in my family's life because we had no income and my parents were worried they would lose the house. My dad had a small business and he lost that business. They used up all their savings. They fought, sometimes so angrily that all the neighbors heard my father swearing. He was too proud to accept welfare at all and somehow managed to get through and begin working again but on a lower pay level and that set us back in some ways but once again he rallied and of course over the years we had both good times and bad times. What is striking to me now is how the neighbors supported us. They knew that we had suffered and that my father was never compensated for the accident and had to bear the burden himself and was too proud for welfare so they always pitched in if he needed help and when they hunted they gave us game and gave us vegetables from their farms in the countryside where their members of families lived or even from their backyard. Neighbors shared baking cooking and ideas and every child played together. Not one person ever called the police on my parents and even though sometimes I reflected back thinking oh maybe they should have now that I am much older I really appreciate those neighbors supporting my parents as they were, despite their problems. There was always a kind word, a supportive discussion, because they were not violent. Angry yes but no not beating anyone up. These days they might be split up because no noise is tolerated and even if a couple argues they are frowned upon well how is anyone going to ever work anything out anyway? Of course sensible people talk calmly but family dynamics are sometimes intense and loud or angry does not outweigh the positive side of a good neighbor or someone who deserves support look beyond the surface if you can

3 Comments

Lucky

Apr 19, 2019 at 7:02pm

You family had supportive neighbours.. Who cared..
Nice to have caring support group..
So lucky..

Cakewalk

Apr 19, 2019 at 8:33pm

In comparison to people that I grew up with, your life was a cakewalk. How about growing up with two crackheads for parents, or a single mother that works as a prostitute out of the house you grew up in, or how about growing up with parents that thow pales of frozen ice through grocery store windows to steal bread for their children in December, one week before Christmas. I can't stand reading petty stories like this when there are real struggles out there. Oh.. my daddy lost his job.. yours and everyone else's dad lost their job!

@Cakewalk

Apr 20, 2019 at 5:33pm

nah, you're just whiny. The utter hell of lower middle class living is far, far worse than having an obviously failing frackhead mom. So way at 16, 18, etc. you didn't think "mom is a fuckup." Mom probably thought she was a fuckup. Lower middle class (not lower class) parents who soldier on working, fighting, making things hell, etc. do far, far more damage than the "lower class" parent does because everyone agrees mom and dad shouldn't be crackheads. The middle class parent who 'tries hard' but still fails, that is what all parents do, it's just that many succeed at it.

And this bitter 'everyone else's dad lost their job,' this isn't the case, especially for those of us over 30. For those of us over 30, the majority of us had competent upper middle class parents who fed, clothed and exercised us properly. Where lower class parents failed to do these things, the children tend to get out (because the parents can't support them, if nothing else) and either sink or swim. When the middle class parents (especially mothers) fail, they get their hooks in, and you end up with poor children living with their mothers until they're in their 30s.

It's a really huge problem in the west, but it's all covered up because we tell everyone that the problem isn't marginally/incompetent upper middle class mothers who fuck people up, it's obviously incompetent mothers---everyone knows mommy who is smoking crack and bringing johns home is incompetent. Most people won't admit that middle class mommy who can't take care of herself, her kids, but "soldiers on" is probably more of a danger, because that middle class mommy's kids are going to have problems, but nobody is going to go 'well, duh, mom's a crackhead.'