A hug from the sun

I'd been a mess for years with no motivation to get up and change. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD which was a relief. It gave me insight to why I am the way I am and that I'm not just lazy. I'd be sunken into my couch feeling so out of control. I hated it and so desperately wanted to get up to take care of myself but felt paralyzed. I have now been on medication for two months and am seeing improvements. I'm frustrated with my family as they don't believe me. I've already been diagnosed with bipolar disorder by two psychiatrists and they just say, "I think it's just circumstantial. Once things get better you'll feel fine!". They don't acknowledge that I nearly jumped off a bridge. I couldn't keep self regulating with alcohol and ended up in a psychward. They don't connect the impulsive behavior. I've been diagnosed with type two. When I'm hypomanic I try to hide it. I spend money irresponsibly and start pointless fights. My brother said because I don't talk fast/act hyper that I don't have it. He didn't see me at my worst after being attacked by my ex husband. I curled up on the bathroom floor literally ripping my hair out. I get annoyed at the ignorance and invalidation. I wonder if I'm surrounded by assholes or if I'm the ignorant one. I had flashbacks of my husband beating me after watching a show called 'Maid'. I was zoned out and accidentally dunked my hand in a pot of boiling water as if I were mashing potatoes with a fork. I don't know where this is going.. Sorry for ranting. Sometimes I feel like a kettle about to explode. I sound depressed but I really am getting better now and I'm grateful. I just want to say to anyone struggling with mental illness that sometimes it feels like you're in a deep cave. You finally see the opening.. you're so close then it's closed off by a boulder. The light disappears. You're left sitting in the damp, cold abyss alone hearing bats echoing off the walls wondering if you'll ever be rescued.. then one day the rocks above come crumbling down exposing the sky above. A ray of sunshine beams down like a warm blanket surrounding you. You levitate to the surface and carry on your way. Dont lose hope.

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AussieBC

Oct 3, 2021 at 7:12pm

Excellent book on adult late diagnosis ADD is “Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD”. Huge insights for a 70 year old woman in a 40 year marriage. Many things are much clearer.

4 0Rating: +4

OP @ AussieBC

Oct 4, 2021 at 10:04am

Thank you, I'll check it out!

2 0Rating: +2

Great Post!

Oct 4, 2021 at 1:15pm

I loved your imagery. This really spoke to me. I don’t suffer from mental illness like you do but I do believe I have ADHD. It looks very different for women than men. Women are much flightier and “spacey” or seem lazy compared to men who typically have a lot of energy and can be a bit spastic. I was told by a therapist that I probably have it but she couldn’t diagnose me because she isn’t a psychologist or psychiatrist. I’ve thought about going on medication because I have so much I want to do and then I get overwhelmed and end up accomplishing nothing. Alcohol definitely makes it worse. I’m happy to hear you’re feeling better and I hope educating yourself will help you to help your family better understand this condition.

5 2Rating: +3

Really good confession

Oct 4, 2021 at 5:02pm

Definitely a bit heavy, but really amazing how you expressed something so complex so well. I wish I could do that, I find it difficult. I don’t know much about bpd2, but I can totally see myself, or anyone really, spacing-out or disassociating when having a traumatic flashback. I hope your hand heals up quickly. Sorry to hear your ex-husband was a piece of shit woman beater. It really only explains what he is inside, and it’s on him, not on you. Congrats on your journey coming out of the cave! I hope things get more clear for you out there.

3 0Rating: +3

Lucia

Oct 4, 2021 at 7:23pm

Hang in there. If you’re feeling desperate, the BC Crisis Line is available to chat with you any time at 1-800-784-2433. For alcohol and drug information, 604-660-9382. I was almost diagnosed with ADHD after an assessment, but the doc wanted to run more tests. She was in a hurry to prescribe amphetamines, and that turned me off. As someone with a history of eating disorders, I didn’t want to risk the weight loss and subsequent spiralling. I’ve quit weed and alcohol, two weeks sober now. This has helped immensely. Sleep quality has improved, panic attacks are gone, suicidal ideation is gone. It’s very tempting to get caught in the “I’m so scattered I hate this let me drink/ smoke this away” escapist mindset. You have to stay strong when you want to self-medicate. Eat candy, watch Netflix, hug a stuffed animal. You may want to contact Vancouver Family Services for counselling.

I believe in you.

6 0Rating: +6

A J

Oct 6, 2021 at 4:43am

... amazing!! Ditto!

0 0Rating: 0

Begin Again

Oct 9, 2021 at 1:44am

Once you understand that life was and always will be this way… you keep your eye on that light. That sweet blinding painless light. No more noise. No more pain.

0 0Rating: 0

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