I’ve become a dull person. I wish I had the resources to go find what wakes me up as a human being but I don't. I feel afraid to risk the stability I’ve acquired. But which decision will I regret when I’m 80? Will I curse myself for not saving enough money to live or will I regret not making my life worth living? I don’t think I can strike a balance to afford both.
I hardly visit my mother anymore like I used to. Our relationship has been broken in the last couple of years. She’s always anxious, on edge and does nothing but cry day in and day out. I could hardly be myself around my mother since she became increasingly overly sensitive. It’s like you have to walk on eggshells when you’re around her, otherwise she gets so offended easily and blows sky high. She never used to be like this back in the good old days. My mom constantly me that her anxiety stems from a dysfunctional abusive family that she grew up in. She was a victim of physical, verbal and sexual abuse. I guess that’s probably why she turned out the way she did. But I’m not sure what to tell her anymore because I am not A psychotherapist. I even suggested that she should try seeking therapy of some sort to address the problems that she’s had in her own life, but she refuses to listen to me. She doesn’t want to help herself and is afraid that some shrink is going to provide her with pills and drug her up. It’s beyond my control and there’s nothing more I can do but carry on and live my own life.
Don’t ask me to tell any dad jokes. I don’t know what those are.
On rainy days like this I love opening the windows and blinds to watch and listen to the rain. The awed hush it brings to the environment, the muted and potentially electric light in the sky, the smell. It’s the greatest feeling in the world for me. Somehow I become more awake, alert, keen. I breathe deeply and my body relaxes.
I used to think a lot about having my own little
house in the woods. I still do from time to time, but lately that's been overtaken by the idea of creating a living space inside of a natural cave, something cozy but still airy. Living inside a tienkeng would be amazing too. I think it appeals to my subconscious desire to escape and be hidden.
I feel like I was bred to be a low level worker and conditioned to enjoy this way of life best. What is the alternative? I suppose living out my days on an isolated island or hanging from a bell tower.
If I could have my way I would buy a small RV and travel around seeing new places stopping in little towns along the way, meeting new people and live life on the road. Take the roads less traveled and camp all over B.C. and get back to nature and record all my escapades on video camera then maybe get a reality T. V. Show.
Dreams and Wishes :)
I’m changing my personality and outlook for the better. During these past few years, I let a lot of stupid people take advantage of me. All they ever did was suck the life out of me physically, mentally emotionally and financially. But ever since I woke up and cut them loose, my life has improved. My bank account has increased and I’m a lot more confident than I ever was before. I’ve learned to create healthy boundaries out of self respect. Not going to associate with idiots just for the sake of not being alone. Once you cut stupid people completely out of your life, you do not go running back to them. If it takes a while for me to find decent people to hang out with who value me for who I am, then let it be damned.
But I don't know why because it's so stupid. For example, I like to eat just ice cream cones without ice cream. My girlfriend came shopping with me the other day and she noticed I bought ice cream cones but no ice cream. I'm lactose intolerant and ever since I was a child I would just eat the cone but I love them and I eat them like cookies. Well I didn't want her to think I was weird so I just lied to her and said I get my ice cream from somewhere else. I don't know why this is so embarrassing. I just like snacking on the cone.
Repent at leisure. Or so the saying goes. So I’ve wondered if they’ve ever regretted that impulsive decision made after drinking and having a temper tantrum. So many people seem to make these big choices in the midst of a heightened emotional situation without understanding that words once said can’t be unsaid. So in my case I’ve definitely made some dumb decisions when I wasn’t emotionally calm. However, as I’ve grown older I’ve learned that I need to always keep the harsh things I might be feeling in the moment to myself, unless my intention is to permanently wound someone or destroy a relationship. Sure you can always try to apologize, and they might forgive you, but I guarantee that they will never forget what you said.