I've been going thru the Confessions starting from the beginning - Feb '11. (a few months later was the last time I saw him) I'm not reading all of them, skim most of them... just read the interesting and/or the funny ones.
Now up to 2017.
See the ones that were to him and the ones that could of been from him.... some i hope are, some i don't.
But there was one, that i haven't seen since that year, that really seemed like it could have been from him because it mentioned things that only he could have known along with his incorrect, although understandable, assumptions. What was the punch was learning that certain mutual aquaintances had been apparently (either innocently or not) suggesting stuff that was way off track.
A friend asked why i would care about someone who would believe lies, but i understand why he would want to believe that.
Choosing to believe that the other person is a bad person is easier than acknowledging that things didn't happen because of a lack of communication.
I could have told him how i felt, sure. But logic seemed that - why would he want to be with somene who's only attractive on the inside when he could be with someone who's both inside and out (like him)?
He probably thought i was contacting him to try for a 2nd chance, but if i didn't think i was worthy back then, i sure af am not going to think i'm worthy now. Plus even if i was worthy, i'm not into trying for another woman's man.
It probably wouldn't have lasted (most older woman/younger guy relationships don't) but it would have been fuckin fun.
Everyone is in masks in my little part of reality. I saw a PICTURE of a woman with red lipstick and my body immediately told me I must be super stimuli deprived right now.
I followed all the rules, lost things and momentum from an amazing year like everyone. Wrote down the 3-4 things that matter to me. my #1, Face to face counselling for destructive recovering addicts may be allowed, but places aren't open yet. relapsing is not an option. But the #2 on my list opens tomorrow. They were happy to see me today as I socially distanced plunked down some cash got a speell of how to act tomorrow when I show up.
life is tough. but life is beautiful. I felt young before all this and i'mma feel young in a couple weeks as I baby step emerge.
A vulva tea cosy, because why the fuck not?
after I tipped the coffee barista with no acknowledgement from her.
No problem, it's a crazy time, our minds are all a bit distracted these days.
Then I tipped the same person a second time, no reaction.
I know it's only $1 on a $2 cup of coffee but that's a 50% tip for 30 seconds work poring a black coffee. If every customer tipped you $1 that would be a pretty good shift.
I'm just sayin, a simple thank you goes a long way.
The reopening rules make it absolutely impossible for me to keep my small business open and profitable. I have decided to give up and do something else. I expect I am not the only one. I believe the waves of unemployment and closures have only just begun. I believe Trudeau pumping money into everything will allow some business to survive for a bit by selling a dollar for 80 cents, but this can't last. They are going to have to loosen the rules soon or it will be the death of this country.
Who can afford a home?
I certainly cannot. Science major, OK salary. Chance to own a home? Hell no
I sat kinda close to a girl the other day. I think she liked it.
After being treated with blatant disregard by a long time friend over a matter I took very seriously, and this person knows this, I find it quite sad that during Covid, just nothing, no attempt to rectify things. After so many years as friends, there is this huge hole in my life, and by their silence I understand that for them, "no biggie" It's made me feel nothing towards basically everyone and every situation. What a shame. But really, I should have known better to try, I am such a fool.
I thought I would use this time alone to quit smoking and drinking and get my physuval and mental health in line. Joke's on me because I'm starting to feel there's very little reason to because there's no end in sight and no-one to keep track. Well aware my life could be worse.
As "Jane Says" - 'gonna start tomorrow'.