No one can expect others to make their decisions, earn their income, cut their meat, and tuck them into bed.

On the other hand, we can all expect people to be civil, to respond to friendliness and courtesy with the same, to partake in conversation and friendship.

In other words, are you prepared to share, or are you only prepared to take?

Right there with you. Sometimes I scroll through my list of friends or consider talking to my partner. None are really options, this illness is such a burden that my past experience talking to them has proven that it's unhealthy to use their support but I also need it so much. Either save myself (which leads to eroding the relationship) or salvage the relationship by acting normal. Neither are happy options.

Please consider taking it one step at a time. Little things or setting a good daily routine is helpful. What haven't you seen or done? Those are monuments to look forward to.

Best of luck.

I wrote a comment for another "confessions" post that may help. I know you aren't feeling exactly the same way as the other person and circumstances are different but I'm kind of lazy. As follows:

dtc

Feb 24, 2017 at 11:05am

There is a shortage of intelligent sensitive people like you who have been to the brink. You are breathing rare air. Our purpose has nothing to do with money. As you manage to overcome this relative bump in the road you will realize that only one who has experienced so much pain and self loathing can be of any use to someone like yourself who "feels" trapped. Helping even one person recognize this validates your existence. I do not possess a high IQ like you do. You would probably be more eloquent and helpful than I am. This is why we need you and since you're so smart, you know it.
In the short term please go to the doctor and tell him/her how you feel. This happens to many of us and it passes. My story is similar to yours and I have been in your shoes, kick them off because we are what we are, we are not what we feel.
In the long term please remember that your relative worth is not measured by a standard (money, love, etc). Approval is for wimps, just be there when you can see you're needed. That is why you are here and that is why you must stay.

Love, respect.
dtc

"Interdependance", you can support a future you like no one else. I hope that's reason enough.

Love, respect.
dtc

In the same boat as you anonymous. Having a number of health issues, and invisible disability is extremely difficult. I feel your pain op as I've felt that way for years, and my health just continues to deteriorate...... I try to take it a day at a time, keep seeing my counselor, and am slowly confiding in friends, but afraid to disclose too much as I've not had very good support. Maybe try seeing a counselor as a first step. Good luck, and know you're not the only one that struggles like this.

I have a parent that would be extremely inconvenienced by my death. But for a few years during my 30's, they didn't care about my health. They threw me in the line of fire of my other abusive parent and blamed me for being "too sensitive" for "letting them get to me". They didn't let me eat when I was hungry because I was "weak" for wanting to eat lunch. They convinced me that I was worthless and a "sucker" for wanting to take initiative, work hard and be responsible for the direction of my life when I "should" be financially dependent on them instead. I've since run away from that situation, and my parent is behaving better, probably so that I don't completely disappear from their life. Yes, I can relate - my parent would be saddened by my death...but for the wrong reasons.

I spend almost all my time alone. I see other people for a couple hours at group things twice a week, I go to appointments (dr, psychiatrist, etc - I've been doing the getting help thing for years), and other than that, I'm pretty much by myself. Sometimes I talk to people on facebook, but I don't have anyone I see regularly. There aren't a lot of people who really have much of a presence in my life.

People are busy, they have work or school, they make plans with the people they see at work or school, or maybe they want to spend what free time they have with their partners or children or whatever. They have other priorities. There are people I used to see more who I miss now, but they have other priorities.

I'm not that important to anyone, even if I have plenty of acquaintances who seem to like me well enough. I'm not unlikable. I don't think I'm particularly difficult to get along with. I'm smart, I have interests, I have a sense of humour... but I am chronically ill and don't have the kind of life other people do. I haven't been able to work or go to school in some time. As a disabled younger adult, I don't seem to have much in common anymore with other people my age (or really, any age, for that matter). People I went to school with, or knew from work or what have you, have moved on to other things, something I cannot do at present and may not ever be able to do.

So, I go to my two weekly things, I go to my appointments, and other than that, I'm by myself.

I am sad. I have lived quite a long time I guess. However, even though finally there seems to be lip service given in our society to not judging anyone experiencing mental illness, the reality is completely opposite. There is a huge stigma to even acknowledging being depressed! There is the "your thinking is disordered" bunch who like to blame the victim, the "it's all biochemical" bunch who only espouse medication, and the "just suck it up" bunch who seem to espouse never acknowledging ANY negative feelings whatsoever. Those are the worst! I think they're all wrong, and that in life it's rarely so black or white. I truly wish that we could all just comprehend that human feelings are impacted by absolutely everything! Nature, nurture, environment, genetics, all of it. Why is that so hard to understand and why do so many people require absolutes in order to be okay with something? All I know is that everyone experiences hard times and from what I've seen the thing that helps someone going through a bad time the most is love and understanding and support from friends and family. Not judgemental attitudes that actually prevent someone from reaching out for help, but a friend who tells you that they love you and are there, who can encourage you to talk about it and seek the help you need. Isolation is by far the worst part of being ill and wishing you could simply just end it, because at the end of the day, no one wants to feel like a burden.

A local church is on a "mental health" kick. For weeks they had things in the Church Newsletter talking about how people should be open and free with their mental health challenges. Then like 18 months, in they print that "60% of people who disclose mental illness find their support networks get smaller" or something like that.