Maybe those days could come back

posted February 5th, 2021 at 12:41 AM

There is an anger in me that will not go away.. a monster in fact who lays in my body. It's there when I sleep, when I awake and all through the day controlling a fair amount of how I feel and react. I never used to believe in this type of stuff but I truly feel that I am possessed by some form of intense negative energy. It's a dark cloud that I have unfortunately been cursed with and perhaps may be a generational curse passed down through my family. It's been 7 years of rainy days. These are dark days. I miss the days when we would sit at the top of the hill with the big old tree after school laughing so hard our bellies hurt and we couldn't breath. Of course we would run rampant in the night worrying the shit out of our parents but those... those were better times. Although bits of it were still depressing and testing at times.. I'd kill to go back in time to sit on the roof of the house beneath the stars. Mom would give us crap in the morning because we were stupid and left the screen off the window or shoe prints on the car hood giving ourselves away. I miss the music, the freedom. I'm going to send all of the positive feelings from the memories I feel into the universe and maybe it will a have a boomerang effect. I wish happiness for everyone and that we can experience this world some day soon without the gloom and doom. I'm going to turn off my phone and see how bad the withdrawal is.. the benefits will outweigh that however, undoubtedly. I suggest you do the same.

11 Comments

Regan Goneril and Cordelia unbound

Feb 5, 2021 at 3:58am

Couldn't have put it better (even if they wanted to)

Yes, but.

Feb 5, 2021 at 8:02am

Please, don't get caught up in thinking you are possessed by something. That path doesn't go anywhere but downhill. It's depression you are experiencing, and times really are challenging right now. Go easy on yourself. You aren't cursed, sounds more like genetics, although it might feel that way.

that

Feb 5, 2021 at 8:04am

is moving

You graduated in 2014?

Feb 5, 2021 at 8:11am

Or you've just felt angry since then?

Darkest before the dawn

Feb 5, 2021 at 10:44am

I absolutely love this confession. I appreciate the honesty with which you describe the darkness of the present while also embracing the parenthetical light in the past and future.

Turning off the phone sounds like good advice. Wishing you well and thanks for inviting us in. May we all walk together and watch the sun rise over the midnight city.

monster ego cloud

Feb 5, 2021 at 11:02am

I too have a similar entity/cloud/shadow that I have been able to witness during meditation. I recommend you come face to face with this monster ego cloud by sitting peacefully with no external distractions... and greet it and look at it and see it for what it is and send it (and in turn, yourself) compassion. It will be painful, but shining a light on it will assist in lessening its intensity and hold over your life. All the best x

Let’s Not

Feb 5, 2021 at 12:18pm

Imagine the cigarette companies having a special day every year to raise awareness for lung cancer.
Our telecommunications industry is doing just that. Incredible.

You know i prefer

Feb 5, 2021 at 2:05pm

Anger with a big old fat capital "A "
Yes Anger
Keeps you on your toes cause its a bloody jungle out there in Varnia.
Lots of shit monkeys and ugly clowns.

Maybe fear

Feb 6, 2021 at 3:25am

Local doctor Gabor Mate wrote a good book, When the Body Says No. He said we often mistake fear for anger. My psychiatrist said the same. Your sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive. Not surprising in the current situation. I've been like this for a long time - diagnosed with PTSD. Please get help. You don't have to live like that.

@Maybe fear

Feb 6, 2021 at 3:30pm

If the OP says they feel anger, they feel anger.

The sooner we squarely face our anger and call it what it is, the sooner we can get on the path to healing both ourselves and this entire fraught world.