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No Cakes Required

I hate my birthday. I hate it so much I feel anxious about it. I don’t want to see, hear, smell, think, speak, or do anything related to it. My family doesn’t get it and thinks that if they try harder they can change my mind. It just makes it worse causing me to feel unaccepted, disrespected and alone. It’s a very sad and difficult time of year for me. Acceptance, support, and space are all I need.

A real confession

Occasionally I’ve caught myself having very uncharitable thoughts about a few people who are so judgmental about other people who haven’t lived the privileged life that they have. People I know very well in fact. Sometimes I’ve privately wished just a wee little bit of hardship on them. Like they actually get sick with a real illness that causes them to not be able to to work, for example. Or that they lose a whack of money in investments because of a sudden fall in the markets. I know it’s not good to wish bad things on other people, but sometimes I’d just like life to smack them upside the head to wipe that self-congratulatory smirk off of their faces for just a bit.

Chasing Peaks

True love didn't work out so now I hike. It's been I-don't-know 12-13 years or so of this, but I don't know if it's satisfying.

My friend

A friend of mine is such a scamming cheater she would go into a buffet and eat enough to make herself sick and take half the buffet home in her purse. Then she would complain about the food until she got her meal free, and then she’d steal the salt and pepper shaker. She’s incredibly rude to the staff No joke, she’s crazy and I had to stop going out with her.

Every August

I’m this close to killing myself, and then I keep saying Autumn is coming, Sweet sweet Autumn is coming.

For which I was wrong.

I got a $4 an hour raise a few months ago. I was semi-proud and told anyone in ear shot that it was likely a product of retention towards new employees. A boss took me aside and said something I was not expecting. I got the raise because I am honest to a fault. What sold them was a higher up saying point blank "I don't like the guy or anything about his personality, he f-ing annoys the hell out of me. But I trust him. Coming to work, I know what I am going to get from him and he always delivers. If he f's up, he takes ownership even when it is not in his interest. No one else does. That is the kind of person I want in my daily life."

Recalibrating

I feel like I was happier in 2021 when things were more shut down and isolated. I felt joy at small things like texts to long lost friends, a flower patch in the sun, seeing the sun poke through the trees in the forests, cooking (which I had always hated and considered a chore and a bore). This year, things have reopened and re-entered society, but my happiness is much lower. I don’t feel connected to people in conversations, the crowds and prices of going out are draining, I’ve resumed my hobbies but feel I’ve plateaued. To chase happiness, I am failing this year. Elusive, mythical happiness. It’s not around the corner. I feel like I’ve lost the knowledge and blueprint of how to make myself happy.

F-up

I feel like the biggest screw-up. I'm constantly f'ing up and feel like I should just quit life. I don't mean to but I piss my partner off and do things that they have every right to get mad at me about.

Sunny Vancouver Days

Streets change. People change. Somehow in 40 years the feel of summer sizzling on the Van-city sidewalks always makes me feel young like the first one and everyone after.

I'm an addict

I detoxed in 2019 through a new start program after battling to get myself help for 17 months of violent self destruction. I am one of the stats of 2019 who did not pass. There were 948 deaths in all of 2019. Through out the pandemic I have been a vocally person to my resources that online supports and pre-recorded nothingness is not an effective solution to the crisis. Zoom chats were much needed in 2020 when isolation was new. But as 2021 turned to 2022 and many services found it easier to go online rather than re-open their doors the crisises has not once gotten better. we are causing this. humility sucks when solutions like an app saves 50 people whereas in person services had saved thousands. I'm an addict. always will be. give me in person services or give me death.

I SAW YOU

TransLink Tina

Thank you for a lively and connected talk. Be nice to talk again. R. Coffee.

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