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I went to a funeral. There was a non stop presentation of images overhead. The deceased persons travel images: cruises, beaches, drinks in hand, cruises, beaches, more drinks in hand. It made me think about what I want to show at my own funeral. And I don’t want my travel pictures showing in an endless loop. It looked utterly self indulgent and meaningless. We’re here for a short short time. Are we just here to feel good, masturbate, watch life drift by? I want my life to have more meaning. How did I serve the community, how did I care for things, did I make any changes for the greater good. What sacrifices I made for someone else. Did I care about and do anything about others well being. I never had these thoughts before of what my legacy may be. But vacation pictures are not how I want to be remembered by. Strange as it may sound, I don’t want to be remembered for living a life of pleasure.

Feels good

Nothing feels better than deleting dating apps. Not due to having met someone, more so out of futility and hopelessness, but it still feels like I am shedding something in a good way.

Prove me right or wrong, please.

I was at a concert one night and I wanted to drink hard liquor instead of beer. A couple women to the left of me were looking at me, but I couldn't figure out if it was because of the drink or something else. I do wonder if women look at what men drink. I like to drink cocktails or hard liquor over beer. I love beer and I will ways love beer, but If I can get something stronger, I will. Do I think the 2 women were looking at me during the bands performance because of my drink? I do. Until proven otherwise.

Decency

I guess it’s too much to ask that people treat each other with a modicum of respect or compassion. After several years of being single after being with a super toxic and abusive woman, I put myself out there online. I was hesitant, I have not had the best of luck with women in this city, but out of loneliness I tried. I wish I had not. I know it’s harder for men online. I know there are reasons for that. But I have super LOW expectations and I’m still shocked at how shitty people can be. I’m not even looking for sex. I would just like to meet good and honest people. But maybe they don’t exist here. I don’t know anymore. About anything.

Only way is up, not down.

It's REALLY hard to talk to anyone who isn't my age or older. We are in completely different worlds. I'm 40 in 2 years and 5 months.

Thanksgiving

Today at work, a coworker mentioned that he had multiple invitations to Thanksgiving dinners at various people's homes, and had to choose which invitations to accept. He's going to one on Sunday and another one on Monday. I will be home alone for Thanksgiving. I didn't feel particularly sad about it until today. No one has invited me anywhere, and there's no one I could invite to spend the day with me. My existence matters so little to anyone.

SNOOP

I just learned that my wife of 25 years slept with another man a few years ago. He's a work "friend". I busted her under identical circumstances a few years ago, we worked through it , or past it , though I honestly never truly got over it. Apparently she has a thing for fat-headed bald dudes with wet-lip. Jesus, what does that say about what I bring to the table in her mind. Now to find out that there were more, and even during our time of no secrets and brutal honesty in our road to repair she still hid this from me. I don't know what to do. I feel to bring it up would be re-hashing old news that is supposed to be in our past. She doesn't know that I know, and I feel sick to my stomach. I love her and dont' want to lose what we have. But a big part of me wants to spit this in her face and make her explain. It's childish and I know that I should suck it up, but as much as I can reason with myself, 2 minutes later it's bubbling away in my brain. I can't seem to let it go. At a base level, I know that I would have been better off just leaving her phone alone. But I barely had to dig to find this out. Now I worry about what I would find if I spent more than the 2 minute sneak peak I took. FUCK ME.

Leftover Turkey

I might not eat meat, but every year around this time I start salivating over the idea of leftover turkey.

38 and fit, 40 and fat

The difference just a few years makes. Literally just before the pandemic my life was peak. I was happy to look in the mirror, my bank account was decent and my social life was what I always wanted it to be. I look old and tired now and I have been at the gym twice as long as it has ever taken to shed some tubby and it's not going anywhere. I make more due to pandemic raises but my life seems poorer and more out of reach. Everything changes fast in your 40's.

Wasted Years

When you’re in a relationship with someone you’d do anything for but realise over time that they wouldn’t care if you fell off a bridge, don’t do what I did and wait for it to get better. It doesn’t. Just leave. I wasted so much time and was stripped of my self worth and confidence. I’m starting to get it back but it’s been a hard road. I can’t believe how much better I feel now that I don’t have the stress that relationship caused in my life. I didn’t even realise how bad it was ‘til I was away from it for long enough to see it clearly. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to listen to your intuition. I ignored it so many times, even in the very beginning. I’ll never do that again.

I SAW YOU

Bicycling on the surface of the water

You were doing Tai Chi. I bicycled slowly, through deeply pooled water, not making even a ripple...

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