Yes, we all know that Food Network is a completely useless channel now, full of game shows and marathons of Guy Fieri nonsense. Gusto is the channel to watch for honest-to-god cooking programs. But I still find myself throwing on FN for background company, and the latest thing that has driven me entirely up the wall is the cooking contests starring children, especially "Chopped Junior." Now, child actors drive me mental at the best of times, but these kids take my madness to all sorts of new levels. Their precociousness is enough to send me into seizures, and even though I know they are coached, listening to them spouting off "foodie" catchphrases and vocabulary as though they're lifelong professionals makes me nearly homicidal. They all just happen to be camera-friendly and adorable-looking...and just happen to give Lidia Bastianich a run for her money in the kitchen, too? I don't think so. Why aren't these children watching cartoons / learning how to read / riding bikes with their friends / nibbling on Zoodles / torturing their babysitters? Why are they acting like weary, seasoned veterans in the kitchen? Are these kids the products of millennial stage mothers? Sure seems that way. If these ankle-biters are insufferable now, I don't even want to think about how they're going to be once adolescence hits. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us how much they enjoy making artisanal craft root beer and having silent-movie nights with their best friends. Fuck off!