Contemplating

Maybe it's today's weather, the bland cloudy white grayness. I reflected on the past and I don't feel anything, good or bad. It's like when you stop being a kid and outgrow your teddy bear. Whatever I fought for is a dim memory, and was, I guess, the perfect distraction to get me comfortable with growing old single. I'd like to say that I'm fine with me, or that I'm enough. That I give me what someone never could or better, actually. That I feel free of the responsibility of another. That I don't have to compromise, or miss out. With covid19, there's nothing to do, nowhere to go and nobody to interact with, so no FOMO. No drama, no disappointment, no broken promises, no failed expectations, no false hopes, no mind games, no having to try, no negotiating, no explaining, no waiting. The thing I tried so hard to have for so long wasn't rewarding to me. Or joyful. Or fun. It took from me and gave nothing back. It left me empty handed. It broke my heart and left me alone to grieve. I cried for what I could have back then, realizing my feelings never mattered anyway. Funny how I thought about it today. I imagine those thoughts are mine alone, as usual.

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All I can say is...

Apr 8, 2021 at 1:33am

You’ve never been in love.

4 10Rating: -6

@All

Apr 8, 2021 at 10:47am

I have. You couldn't recognize it.

8 3Rating: +5

I knew in my gut

Apr 9, 2021 at 5:16am

She'd never love me. But I was not prepared for the way she filleted me. Realizing one was bad enough but when you find out what a psycho she is as well...well that's a little slice of Hell just for you!

3 6Rating: -3

Anonymous

Apr 9, 2021 at 11:49am

That seems to be the way grieving goes. Non linear. Everything can feel like it's moving forward then a memory will pop up to take you back to a place you thought had healed. It's a continuous journey but you can get to a beautiful place. Keep showing up for yourself. Anyone who tries to tell you mind games and drama is love doesn't understand what love is. Love would never keep a person in a state of perpetual doubt, confusion and brain fog. Love doesn't psychologically abuse. Some people are only ever in our lives to teach us what we don't want and who we don't want to be. They're not meant to stick around. They serve a purpose so we can do the inner work to meet our best self.

13 3Rating: +10

@I knew in my gut

Apr 10, 2021 at 10:31am

Details man!
How'd she fillet (Pisces?) you?
And what did she do that makes you think she's psycho? (Come at you in the shower with a knife?)

5 3Rating: +2

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