About a lot of things and guess what I now have the last piece of the puzzle, the piece that makes the whole picture quite clear.
Not a pretty picture !
I tell you this if things don't start changing in a more positive light I'm going to sing like a damn bird.
Sing I tell you .
I miss the days of making the trek to Van, crashing on a friend's couch, wandering the neighbourhoods, looking for parking near West 4th to get to Zulu Records, listening to everything recommended by staff, and crossing the street for sweet and savoury crepes. It was a time when the Coquihalla still had a toll. The city smelt of petrichor on rainy days. There was a lively buzz in the air. Chinatown felt larger. I'd never heard of Lululemon. Sushi was exotic compared to my small-town fare. My god the food. Calling ahead to ask on the quality of the pearls that day for bubble tea at Dragon Ball and bringing extra cash. After experiencing banh mi from Bale I was sold. This would be my new home. I fell in love with the raccoons. The shy skunks known to forage around 2 am. Diving crows protecting nests. Finding kinship with blue herons by sea at sunset. So many hydrangeas. Fist bumping lion statues at each Vancouver Special. Discovering Breka and finding a midnight haven amongst patrons. That first time climbing Grouse Grind and finding comfort on the places worn on rails and trees by hundreds of hands steadying themselves in their ascent. Riding the skytrain like it's a carnival ride and switching sides to marvel at the landscape. Wandering the booths at the Richmond Market and losing myself in the crowd. Concerts in the living rooms of heritage homes and feeling the pulse in the old wooden floors as everyone tapped in time. Grilled cheese at The Rio. Cherry blossoms in Queen E Park. Someday I will have to leave you, yet all the things I've loved about you will remain with me.
The degree to which people are so fucked up is now astounding me.
I never understood the capacity or the depths that some would go too, the fact that another human being could be so evil and ridiculous even existed but on television shows. To see it first hand before your very eyes blows ones mind. Has the whole world truly gone mad ?
Holy Shit !
I am in love with a woman. She is amazing. She doesn't have any interest in me at all. She knows I have told her that I live her. It doesn't phase her at all. When she sees me she gets a look on her face that screams; "oh shit, not this loser". She looks stressed, which gives me pain. I love her, the last thing I want is for just seeing me to cause her grief. I think of her always.
I had an opportunity today with a sexy and very attractive woman today and It just made me want the woman I love even more.
I seem to attract only very beautiful women... But not her.
I wish she would give me a chance to show her I'm not a player or whatever she thinks I am. I am not. I am in love.
With her, only her, I can help that.
I leave her alone, what choice do I have? I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with her. But it's not to be. This is no junior infatuation, or lust or anything superficial, I have never been so taken with anyone.
Life can really suck. Mine sucks now and for the last four years, ever since I laid eyes in her.
Each year on Groundhog Day I like to imagine I will have to live the day countless times over. Will I be sailing through a predictable paradise or will I be compelled to drive off a cliff with Puxatwney Phil? If my answer is the latter I know big changes need to be made in my life. This year I'll also be considering the importance of recognizing one's shadow. From one standpoint, it seems like a misfortune to live in a prolonged winter. However, the opportunity to fully see oneself, shadow and all, no matter the consequence, seems a gift.
Shells. Some require breaking out to grow. Others require growing with and adding to. How to know if breaking through or fortifying is necessary?
I mean like just turn on the TV, flip to a channel and watch. Now it's like, hey, let's watch the hockey game... what app is it? TSN? SportsNet? ESPN? Maybe it's CBC, no wait... then you find the app and it's not logged in... wtf is my password, wait which e-mail address... ok got it, WRONG PASSWORD, FUCK.... wait, I have a account with TELUS, log in with that... ok, what's the code, ok "CJ4PF5" -- type it in! I'm trying, it's not working, it's just spinning... wait, the Wifi is disconnected, is your Wifi ok? Should be, it's working for me, I don't know... ok turn off the Wifi and just use cell data... I can't, I have data turned off -- well, fuckin turn it on for 10 seconds, ok wait the Wifi is back... ok are we logged in? YES, there it is!! with 10 seconds left in the fucking period... great. Now what, should we order pizza? Sure, order something. Where? DoorDash? Skip the Dishes? Uber Eats? Why don't you just use the PizzaHut app directly... ok... fuck, I forgot my password
I’ve lost a lot of things in my long life. People, homes, pets, a few of my organs, a couple of careers, and most of my money (losing the organs helped with that part). I’ve had people ask me how I’m still going, and why I don’t linger in memories or would’ve could’ve should’ve thinking. The answer is simple: it doesn’t help. Moving on is the only choice unless you want to remain in misery indefinitely. It’s brutal at times, and it’s important to allow yourself time to recover and grieve the loss, but then you just put one foot in front of the other and you carry on. Eventually you get to a point where remembering isn’t as painful, but it takes time so be patient with yourself. Life is a journey and there might be something wonderful just up ahead.
Sometimes life choices are simply wrong. There's no bad guy, there's no redemption. There's no silver lining that the tough times mattered for some greater good. That hindsight will set one free towards enlightenment. Sometimes people f*ck up. Plain and simple. Jobs, relationships, parenting, facing the mirror. Can't win them all.
He's a beast of a man. He ravaged me, defiled me. I was left damaged and depraved. I'm certain I wasn't the only one who fell victim to his studio and his charms. Stay away from painters! They will ruin you forever.