a human. I hate this seething cess pool of debauchery, chaos, unkindness, filth and pollution. I hate how cruel people are to each other. I don’t want to be part of this anymore. What is the point of having material things when money can’t change the fact that everyone is so mean and petty and in the end it’s all meaningless?
I havnt been anywhere since before the pandemic. Im aching to travel! I actually have the money to go but I recently started a new job and realized that i dont get any time off till next year. Honestly, this is making me re-think this job. We deserve better. I work so bloody hard for less and less and I dont even get any meaningful time off. I dont know… im just tired and frustrated. I feel a darkness hanging over me and im trying my best to fight it and avoid slipping back into drugs. Its really hard right now. Sorry for this random dumb rant. This probably doesnt even make sense. At least the sun is shining…
Amy I a shitty person for liking a guy who has a girlfriend? I would never do anything about it, as it seems like they have a great relationship. I saw him the other day unexpectedly and realized I still liked him. If we’re meant to be in the future that would be nice. If not, that’s okay too. I’m happy for them. Mostly!
My brother deleted his Facebook & Instagram because he said they were too distracting....yet now he spends everyday looking in the Georgia Straight Confessions & I Saw You's.....how Ironic.
I'm unable to tell a good friend why the clientele doesn't like his business.
I recently realized that this person I tried (and failed) to have a normal relationship with is very likely on the spectrum. Once I started thinking about their inability to relate to a lot of what’s considered normal human emotions the puzzle pieces started to come together. They’ve never had a long term relationship with anyone except their family, so it makes sense if I think of it that way. Otherwise they just seem so cold and insensitive, so thinking of them as being undiagnosed but on the spectrum makes it easier to have some empathy for them even though they don’t have any for anyone else.
I have no chill whatsoever. It’s maddening. I wish that very little phased me, but most of it does. I mentally freeze up often and suddenly everything feels too warm. Speaking up becomes useless as my entire vocabulary decides to have a fire drill and vacate my mind. I wish I could be calm, collected. And I’m not.
I’ve been in a marriage for six years. My partner who was mentally amazing and stayed by me through my illnesses (both physical and mental) for years, is now mentally ill. It’s been horrible. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been yelled at. He’s starting to do the work but it’s been so hard. We’ve had many hardships that would make anyone depressed, but it also really got worse with the pandemic. Some days I feel like the strongest person ever for being a partner through thick and very thin, and sometimes I feel like a total idiot for staying. The yelling has become less and they end up sobbing in my arms after. I am just so so very tired. Anyone been through a bad depressive episode to make it through the other side? He started CBT therapy, and we know antidepressants are an option. I’m just also scared of antidepressants because five out of my eight closest friends are on them and aren’t doing much better. Depression seems like the next pandemic.
As I close my eyes and dream, I am not sitting on a chair typing this. My legs are dangling off the side of a cloud. The ground that I think I feel below my feet is not really there, just the distance between the cloud and the earth. I sit watching peacefully as the world turns. I can't tell which I like more. The bright pockets of lights that are where city hubs are or the greenery of the mountains that are untouched. Life is beautiful. Normalcy is beautiful. Everything I lost over the last few years has returned. Maybe not all for me, but for the community. My heart will be warm this Christmas season and the next few months of the halloweens, the kids birthday, the decorating season will be like starting from scratch. I could not and would not anything else.
By far the best decision of 2022.